Death on the Street in San Jose

I'm writing here because I know this is a good community of kind intellegent people, and I don't know what to do.

My boyfriend was walking home from work tonight, and a car hit two pedestrians crossing the street, a father and daughter.

He has lifegaurd training, and went over to them to help. The father died, very bloodily, in his arms. He witnessed death for the first time, and a sudden, tragic, pointless death... I'm overwhelmed by it. A family ruined... in a moment.

It's such a waste. Such an awful waste of a human lifetime, to end so suddenly and horribly.

We're both devestated. We're having trouble understanding it.

My boyfriend lives too far from me for me to be with him, and I'm not sure what to tell him. I think he's traumatized.

What's the best way to help him?

To explain it...

•  There's no explaining that will get thru

  right now.  I think the best you can do, even over the phone, is just to listen.  He'll feel you there, and that's probably the best the world has to offer right now.

  I've seen awful things, and sometimes the easy thing is understanding, once the shock wears off.  The worst part is just absorbing the trauma.

  I'm sorry.  

  by 2lucky on Tue Nov 02, 2004 at 12:05:47 AM PDT

•  Take this with a grain of salt....

  ...I think you can do a huge amount of good for him,  and maybe the greatest amount, just by being with him. Anything after that, is a bonus.

  by jbeach on Tue Nov 02, 2004 at 12:07:46 AM PDT

  •  and i mean, being with him emotionally.

    On the phone, sending him a letter, whatever. Just knowing that you're with him in a larger sense, and that you care.

    by jbeach on Tue Nov 02, 2004 at 12:10:17 AM PDT

•  Get him help...

  Please, please try to convince him to see a counselor of one sort or another.  Trauma like this needs to heal and the best way is to start talking about it.  There is definately a grieving process he needs to work through, regardless of how well he knew the victim (or not, in this case).  Talking with a trained professional is the best thing he can do for himself.

  With that said, I'm soo sorry that this has happened.  Facing death is never easy, but circumstances like this make it even more unfathomable.  

  Perhaps it might help to focus on the daughter, who it sounds like survived.  Yes?

  I'm not sure what else to say, except there is one very notable factor.  Both of you ran toward the sound of the guns (figuratively) and not away.  Count yourselves among the few that can say that.  Again, I'm incredibly sorry.

  by minorchaos on Tue Nov 02, 2004 at 12:09:04 AM PDT

  •  yes, the daughter lived, blessedly...

    and thank you for your words, i don't even know why i posted here -- my community, i suppose, having been here so much trying to help with the election. i just knew there were people here with more life experience than i have...

    again, thank you all for your words. i just couldn't hold this alone.

    by nomes on Tue Nov 02, 2004 at 12:15:20 AM PDT

•  Oh, god...

  As a former EMT, I can tell you that viewing death leaves an impression that never fully dissipates.

  There really is nothing to understand in such an incident, that is a incredibly tragic anecdote in this tale of life.  The best, and only, assistance you can give him is to just listen.  If he has family in the area, see if he is interested in going to see them.

  God that's horrific...May the family of those two people find peace...

  by Tripleg on Tue Nov 02, 2004 at 12:12:51 AM PDT

  •  I agree...

    As a former EMT myself I would recommend listening to him. He will probably discuss what he thinks of the incident over and over again until he comes to terms with it. If he doesn't talk about it to you he probably isn't talking about it at all, and that isn't a good thing.

    The best thing you can do is listen, and don't try to rationalize things, speculate etc. You don't need to do anything like that, just listening is good enough. Also if you can find a way to be with him it's better to be with him than just talking to him on the phone.

    Also you might want to suggest he try to contact the family. This may be a good way for them to both cope with this. They will be more than likely very grateful for the help he provided during their family members' time of need. Having them express this to him will help him cope. Also knowing what happened to the daughter will help as well. Sometimes knowing that a person died (especially the adult) is not as bad as not knowing about the other, especially when it's a kid. To find out he can try to contact the EMS operation that took these people to the hospital, they may tell him which hospital they took them to. The problem is that they just passed a law called HIPPA which seriously restricts the ability of medical providers to give out patient information (even to family members).

    Lastly, if he needs someone to talk to who knows where he is coming from he can contact me directly at Toktora[at]hotmail.com.

    Good luck with everything.

    by Toktora on Tue Nov 02, 2004 at 12:27:48 AM PDT

    •  I should also mention...

      That there is no understanding death. One minute you're living then BAM! you're not. It's always like this even when the person has been sick for a long time. That's the hardest part in dealing with being a witness to death...coming to terms with how fragile life is.

      by Toktora on Tue Nov 02, 2004 at 12:31:24 AM PDT

•  There Isn't

  An explanation.  There just isn't.

  I was a lifeguard too, and was once in a similar situation (albiet one my training had prepared me for.)

  If he's still employed as a lifeguard, the employer should have access to resources that can help.  They do, after all, have to deal with this sort of thing sometimes.

  People who've been through tough situations tend to latch onto rationalizations that help them understand them, even when (as in your circumstances) they defy any real understanding.  This is natural and not unhelpful, but it's important to realize that they are just that, rationalizations, and that you eventually need to move beyond them.  A good counselor (again, ask at work) can help with this.

  by Slade on Tue Nov 02, 2004 at 12:14:04 AM PDT

•  Just listen

  There's nothing you can tell him -- except tell him that you're there for him.  

  Tell him you'll listen, now and tomorrow and the next day.  

  Tell him you care about him.  

  Tell him that even though it was horrible, you're proud that he was there for that man and that little girl, and that the man didn't have to die alone.

  Tell him that this kind of death is not "God's will", but his being there was God's gift to that man.

  Tell him it's OK to be really mad at God for allowing things like this to happen -- God can take his anger.

  If you CAN be with him, do so.  If not, do everything you can to be sure others are with him.  If he belongs to a spiritual community, let someone know.  Make sure friends know.  Be sure family knows.  Be sure there's someone to help him through....

  And tell him there's a pastor in MA who holds him in prayer right now, for his courage and caring.

  Pastor Sue
  "God is Still Speaking,"   -- the United Church of Christ
  

  by revsue on Tue Nov 02, 2004 at 12:20:14 AM PDT

  •  thank you...

    ...i will tell him. i wish we had a kind good pastor here we could talk to. at a time like this, i deeply wish we had a spiritual community.

    by nomes on Tue Nov 02, 2004 at 12:47:00 AM PDT

•  While worrying justifiably about ...

  ...your boyfriend, don't forget yourself. YOU saw this incident as well you say, so it's not just him, I imagine, who is traumatized.

  I know that silence is the absolute last thing the two of you need now. Talk to each other, get your friends to listen, see a counselor.

  by Meteor Blades on Tue Nov 02, 2004 at 12:20:38 AM PDT

•  Thank you all...

  ...for your acts of kindness in writing me tonight. My family is fast asleep, and there's no one to talk to till morning. You have all been a comfort, because of your caring. Thank you so much. I've never faced anything like this before....

  He (my boyfriend) is calling his family right now -- I'll go out to him as soon as I can in the morning. I've mentioned to him seeing a councellor... but I hesistate to push anything. I will kindly suggest it in the days ahead.

  Thank you. Again.

  by nomes on Tue Nov 02, 2004 at 12:28:49 AM PDT

  •  Travel Safe

    You'll be pushed to the limit with emotions tomorrow and probabaly not sleep well. Make sure someone else is driving you to see him. ALL THE BEST to you, your boyfriend, and of course that poor family.

    by feverpytch on Tue Nov 02, 2004 at 12:39:17 AM PDT

•  If possible your boyfriend should talk to

  A counselor, or a member of the clergy as soon as possible, just to check him out and help him navigate through the immediate aftermath.

  One avenue for him would be to request someone through the police who could put him in touch with someone qualfied.  

  Another would be the nearest hospital or community mental health center.  If he has trouble sleeping or is agitated to the point where he has trouble getting through the day sometimes medication can be given for a short period of time to get some relief.  

  Depending upon his job, if there is counseling available, that is another source.  

  Job can be tricky but depending upon how understanding his boss is letting the boss know might get him a day off, though he may want to go to work as work can provide an anchor to stabilize him.

  Letting the boss know also might be a good idea in case he is called to testify at a legal proceeding down the road as a witness (but that's getting ahead of things).

  You're doing a lot just by listening to him.

  You don't need to have any answers for him.  Just tell him that you love him and you're sorry.  That'll go a long way.  

  Don't feel like you need to fix a particular moment.  Sometimes a moment of "don't know" leads to something...valuable...it's hard to explain.

  It isn't fair, and it doesn't make sense, and life is that fragile, and the father didn't die alone, and your boyfriend did the best he could to save him, and his efforts do mean something.

  They do.

  It makes a difference that he died in someone's else, as senseless as it was.

  I watched my father die in a hospital bed.  It was different because I knew it was coming.  Later I didn't leave my apartment for six weeks.  (The diner delivered).  

  Then I did a lot of walking.  I walked a good chunk of the length of Manhattan.  I didn't realize anything, but it was good to get out of the apartment.

  It's okay if your boyfriend "holes up" for a while, but in the long run he needs to keep going.  Even if to do so feels wrong, or stupid.

  I wouldn't throw all this at him at once.  Start with a suggestion that he talk to someone but don't push it.  I know I said ASAP but I don't want you to get flak from him for pushing...it's tricky.  If he gets on with his folks maybe you could pass this on to them and then they'll get the flak and you won't.  Nothing wrong with that.

  I gotta sleep.  I will check back later in the day.

  He's lucky to have you.

  by seriously blown cue on Tue Nov 02, 2004 at 12:50:54 AM PDT

  •  whoops I took so long to write this

    You got the responses you needed.

    He's superlucky to have you.

    by seriously blown cue on Tue Nov 02, 2004 at 12:53:30 AM PDT

    •  No, no...

      ... as with everything written here, I read over your responce a few times...

      thank you so much for sharing you experience. i can't express how much the comisseration helps. i don't have the life experience to give this any context, and your responce, and other's, helps so much.

      this was so sudden, and posting here was a random, gut reaction. i'm glad i did though, every word of your posts is a comfort. i don't feel alone tonight -- though maybe a little surreal.

      by nomes on Tue Nov 02, 2004 at 01:00:10 AM PDT

•  Tell him he's a good man for rushing to help

  and that the memory of his coming to their aid will stay with the daughter in every moment when she thinks of her father's death.  The knowledge of goodness and generosity in the world - even in that moment of tragedy and loss - will help her cope and give her strength.

  I think he should contact the family if he can.  It will reinforce his own sense of doing what he could and help the daughter put her loss in context too.
  

  by LondonYank on Tue Nov 02, 2004 at 12:59:07 AM PDT

•  You're certainly in the right place

  to find folks willing to help.

  You've gotten most of these answers, but I'll weigh in, too.

  He needs to talk.  A counselor (local fire department will provide one if he can't afford it), pastor, or someone who professionaly handles this type of trauma.

  In your conversations with him, you need to stress two things:  

  1.  The daughter lived.  Every life saved is precious, and he can't let the death of the man overshadow her survival.

  2.  I can't stress enough how much it means that he was there for that man as he died.  He was afraid and hurting, so his mind was desperately searching for some relief.  Having someone there, touching him, helped more than you can imagine.  This was an act of kindness more meaningful even than comfort given to the survifor.  Don't let him think he didn't do enough, or failed somehow.

  Tragedies happen, but your boyfriend responded to it beautifully.  And it meant a great deal to that man as he lost his life.

  by Ray Minchew on Tue Nov 02, 2004 at 01:05:02 AM PDT

•  Just to second what's said here

  about counseling. Family services should be available there.

  My sister works in grief counseling for bereaved and traumatized clients, and I can assure you these kinds of professionals have vast experience with the subject and can help.

  Good luck.

  by timelad on Tue Nov 02, 2004 at 02:08:46 AM PDT