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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Thoughts of Thanksgiving (please bow your head):
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
and your pies take the prize,
and may your Thanksgiving dinner
stay off of your thighs.
---Unknown
"Gratitude is the heart's memory."
---French proverb
"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."
---John F. Kennedy
"God gave us our relatives; thank god we can choose our friends."
---Ethel Watts Mumford
"A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all other virtues."
---Cicero
"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor."
---Phyllis Diller
Cheers and Jeers starts in the Extended Copy section... [More mashed potatoes?] RIGHTNOW! [Splot!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, November 23, 2004
By the Numbers:
Days `til Thanksgiving: 2
Days `til Christmas: 32
Number of rights & benefits of civil marriage: 1,049
(Source: General Accounting Office)
Per capita U.S. consumption of turkey in 1975: 8.5 pounds
Per capita U.S. turkey consumption in 2003: 17.4 pounds
"You forgot Poland! What about Poland?" 9.8 pounds
(Source: USDA)
NEW!! Your Puppy Pic of the Day:
"If we stick together, that Big Bad Bush can't touch us..." http://www.andrew.cmu.edu/user/cwestbro/Puppy%20Pile.jpg "...can he?"
CHEERS to the best story of the day. Via Chris at Americablog: A pod of dolphins saved swimmers in New Zealand from a shark attack: http://www.cnn.com/2004/WORLD/asiapcf/11/22/nz.dolphins.reut/index.html. Moderate Republicans take note.
CHEERS to the Dean Machine. Iowa Gov. Tom Vilsack drops out of the running for DNC chair, so Howard's chances improve markedly: http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=548&u=/ap/20041122/ap_on_el_ge/democrats_vilsack&a
mp;printer=1. All those in favor repeat the Kos mantra: "I am a reform Democrat."
JEERS to Vietnam redux. Here we go again. One-in-six soldiers returning home from Iraq suffers from post-traumatic stress syndrome or major depression. The Los Angeles Times (via The Week magazine) quotes former Army sergeant Matt LaBranche: "I'm taking enough drugs to sedate an elephant, and I still wake up dreaming about it. I wish I had just died over there." Wouldn't it be nice if we could sedate the party of the elephant...
CHEERS to delicious irony. The Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich was purchased on eBay for $28,000. The winner is that bastion of Christian values, the Golden Palace online casino. Since the icon brings nothing but good luck to the owner, wouldn't savvy gamblers, knowing the odds were now hugely stacked against them, go elsewhere, causing the site to go bankrupt? Now that would be golden.
JEERS to bloody noses and broken windows. The FBI says hate crimes were up in 2003, directed mostly at African Americans and gays: http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/nation/20041122-1238-fbi-hatecrime.html. That's why C&J always carries never-fail thug repellant: a signed portrait of Barbra Streisand.
CHEERS to crises averted. Under threat of sanctions, Iran ceases uranium-enriching operations: http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2004-11-22-iran-nuke_x.htm. But secret flubber research goes on unabated. Prepare the landing boats!
CHEERS to getting caught. Hey, all you beer- and food-throwing nincompoops who participated in the violence at the Indy/Detroit basketball game Saturday: you're BUSTED! http://www.clickondetroit.com/sports/3938054/detail.html. And look what's just two days ahead: the big football game between Indy and Detroit. Polish up your metal pipes and brass knuckles, sports fans.
CHEERS to bad presidents. Now placing just a notch above George W. Bush on the incompetence scale: New Hampshire's Franklin "#14" Pierce. From 1853 to 1857 he stuck his head in the sand and pretended slavery was good. But---sigh---you just can't kick a man on his 200th birthday, so go say hi: http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=814&pt=Franklin%20Pierce.
JEERS to really bad Presidents. On November 23, 1921, President Warren "Dick" Harding signed the Willis Campell Act, which forbade doctors from prescribing beer or liquor for medicinal purposes. Which is why C&J dosh all its own diagnoshing. Nurse! More peanuts!
CHEERS to Thanksgiving turkey abusers. Like the guy who used a chainsaw to cut his bird in half, and then wondered if the meat might taste too oily. Don'tcha wish you were sittin' at his dinner table? (More horror stories---and consumer helplines---here: http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2004-11-20-turkey-talk_x.htm)
JEERS to Republicans. After getting a public spanking for slipping intrusive tax return-inspection language into Saturday's spending bill, they've started hiding their riders in places where Democrats wouldn't dare look: http://www.spicyhumor.com/pictures/rude_lunch.jpg. Here's your flashlight, Lieberman. Good luck.
CHEERS to John and Jane Q. Public. New USA Today/CNN/Gallup poll shows that Americans---by a margin of 2 to 1---want the President to pursue "programs that both parties support" instead of a Republican-sponsored bloodletting: http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2004-11-22-poll_x.htm. Behind closed doors, Bush wonders why these people are answering poll questions when they should be shopping. Time to raise terror alert?
JEERS to language barriers. Hospitals are in need of translators for non-English-speaking patients: http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2004-11-21-hospital-translators_x.htm. Because there are so many subtleties of "Aaaaahhhhggghghh!!"
CHEERS to holiday DVD'ing. Today's releases include Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Hank Azaria, Spielberg's The Terminal, and Costa Gavras' mesmerizing '82 drama, `Missing.' After eating our turkey, we plan to be awake for at least the first 10 minutes.
JEERS to ripping out pages 34-47 of the Guide to Better Sex. A San Francisco group called End Male Dominance Now wants to ban the missionary position. Says EMDN's Maggie Hustbeam (a fine, robust name, no?): "How can we build a society where men and women are equal if, in the most important room in our homes, the man is always on top?" Because the bathroom is the only place guys get any peace and quiet, you crazy loon.
JEERS to the end of an era. VCRs are going the way of the vinyl record: http://www.reuters.co.uk/newsArticle.jhtml?type=internetNews&storyID=6885439§ion=news. And we'll go to our grave not knowing how to set the clock on the damn things.
CHEERS to legends. Happy 117th birthday, Boris Karloff. We loved him as a horror icon, but he melted our heart as the narrator of `How the Grinch Stole Christmas.' Remember: Fire...baaad. Pay respects...goood: http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=2212&pt=Boris%20Karloff.
Cheers and Jeers Flashback: February 23, 2004...
JEERS to Ralph Nader. He's running again. Fool...that sound you hear is your legacy getting flushed down the toilet. Way to rub salt into still-fresh '00 wound. ABB? Try ABN!
CHEERS to Kos's endorsement of John Edwards for President. C&J believes, also, that Edwards is the best candidate (and last Wednesday's poll showed 84% Edwards support among C&J readers). Fresh, energetic, smart. Kerry vs. Bush will be Clinton vs. Dole in reverse.
And just one more...
CHEERS to illiteracy. You may be dumb as a rock, but it won't stop you from getting a job: http://www.spicyhumor.com/pictures/why_is_literacy_important.jpg
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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