From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest run by the English Department of San Jose State University, wherein one writes the first sentence of a bad novel:
Grand Panjandrum's Special Award (by Jeanne Villa): "She sipped her latte gracefully, unaware of the milk foam droplets building on her mustache, which was not the peachy-fine baby fuzz that Nordic girls might have, but a really dense, dark, hirsute lip-lining row of fur common to southern Mediterranean ladies nearing menopause, and winked at the obviously charmed Spaniard at the next table."
'04 winner (by Dave Zobel): "She resolved to end the love affair with Ramon tonight...summarily, like Martha Stewart ripping the sand vein out of a shrimp's tail...though the term "love affair" now struck her as a ridiculous euphemism...not unlike "sand vein," which is after all an intestine, not a vein...and that tarry substance inside certainly isn't sand...and that brought her back to Ramon."
The fine literature that is Cheers and Jeers starts in the Extended Copy section... [Swoosh!] FORTHWITH! [Gong!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, December 1, 2004
By the Numbers:
Days `til Hanukkah: 8
Days `til Christmas: 25
Days `til `Return of the King' extended DVD: 13
Number of American troops killed in November: "At least" 135
Rank on the `deadliest months since the war began' list: 1
(Source: AP)
Percent of Palestinians who believe Arafat was poisoned to death: 80%
(Source: Al Najjah University, Jordan)
Major hurricanes during the '04 season, which ended yesterday: 6
(Source: National Geographic News)
Number of fruitcakes recovered from dumpsters last January and repackaged for this holiday season: 13.5 million
Your Puppy Pic of the Day
Meet the Five new Kos guest bloggers: http://www.serengetiranch.com/Webpage-%20Aggression%20Dogs2.jpg. Sic 'em!
CHEERS to December. The year's glorious, sparkling, musical, snow-bedecked, cheer-filled, Norman Rockwellesque grand finale. We say...Bring on the 12 drummers drumming already (preferably from the Chippendales percussion section).
JEERS to December. The year's stress-filled, frickin' freezing, mall-mad, dark-by-3, be-cheerful-or-else, I-didn't-get-your-Christmas-card-yet grand finale. Can we get this over with already?
JEERS to November. Ugh. A buncha muckety mucks tested their new "mandate" last month, and Gadflyer's Sean Aday has the results: http://gadflyer.com/flytrap/index.php?Week=200449#1238. Clif's Notes version: A mandate and a buck'll get you a cup of coffee....but not a brain.
CHEERS to Resignation Alert Level: RED. Tom Ridge says he's taking his color-coded ball and going home. And we feel safer already. P.S.---Good luck in your new job, sir: http://bobs.net/Merchant2/graphics/00000001/full_M02.jpg.
JEERS to this fucking war. Freedom is on the march...so let's march ten thousand more troops over to Baghdad Club Med: http://www.michaelmoore.com/words/index.php?id=422. Hey...are those the kids of our congressmen hopping on the first plane? Didn't think so.
CHEERS to George's Big Canadian Adventure! "Ohhhh...I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day!" http://us.news2.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/ap/20041201/capt.ottp10912010411.bush_canada_ottp109.jpg. "I cut down trees. I wear high heels, suspendies, and a bra. I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear Mama...!" (Memo to border patrol: There's a crisp five-spot for ya if you don't let him back in.)
CHEERS to the New Kids on the Blog. Kos welcomes five new Irregulars rarin' to stir things up on the main page. Sweets and flowers to A Gilas Girl, Armando, DavidNYC, Hunter, and Kid Oakland. Ready...Set...Snark!
JEERS to clueless beancounters. Let's review: Holiday weekend sales Sunday afternoon were "brisk!" Monday the figures looked "tepid." Yesterday analysts predicted sales would end up "sluggish:" http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=578&e=6&u=/nm/20041130/ts_nm/retail_holi
days_dc. And with accuracy like that, guys, your holiday bonuses look "shredded."
CHEERS to the last straw. On December 1, 1955, black seamstress Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat to a white man on a Montgomery, Alabama bus. Her arrest---and the ensuing boycott of the buses---became a rallying point for the civil rights movement. No punchline from us...just two big `thumbs up' for the old gal.
CHEERS to Don't Ask, Do Fund. A federal appeals court says the military can't deny money to colleges and universities just because they engage in the unspeakable practice of not discriminating against gay people: http://www.365gay.com/newscon04/11/112904military.htm. How do those deans sleep at night?
CHEERS to fresh faces. The answer: Ken Jennings finally loses to California real estate agent Nancy Zerg on Jeopardy after amassing more than $2.5 million since June. The question: "What is: IT'S ABOUT FRIGGIN' TIME!?"
CHEERS to allergic cat lovers. You'll soon be able to fondle your own feline without breaking out in rashes and runny snot, thanks to a new hypoallergenic cat (a form of British shorthair) being developed by the Allerca biotechnology company. Price tag: $3,500---enough to make you break out in rashes and runny snot.
JEERS to Pope John Paul II, M.D. (Medical Dickhead). Just in time for World AIDS Day, the Vatican---that bastion of medical breakthroughs like the 5-day exorcism---says AIDS is caused by a lack of moral values: http://www.alertnet.org/thenews/newsdesk/L30393913.htm. Oh, and if the victim floats...definitely a Witch.
CHEERS to the Maine Mob. Our Secretary of State Dan Gwadosky said yesterday that Vacationland voters went to the polls November 2nd in record numbers. 751,519 folks---that's 73.8 percent---turned out. Thus confirming the allure of the polling place Bucket-O-Pastries.
CHEERS to sweet anticipation. The trailer for the extended `Return of the King' DVD is out---it's 6 glorious minutes long: http://www.aint-it-cool-news.com/display.cgi?id=18907. Harry Knowles pegs it: "The best movie of 2004...though tragically not on a silver screen." Somehow we'll manage to muddle through it.
JEERS to sitting on pins and needles. On this date in 1824, the presidential election got tossed to the House of Representatives because the votes were so close. Anthony Hopkins as John Quincy Adams ended up defeating Andrew "Big Hair" Jackson, William "Please, Call Me Bill" Crawford, and Henry "Dice" Clay. Voters were steamed when they heard the news...sometime around 1832.
CHEERS to Return of the Ch' Ch' Ch' Chia! The perennial Christmas favorite is back! And look at what's new for 2004: http://www.photogslounge.net/graphics3/saddam_chia_thug.jpg. You pour the water in the little spider hole in back.
Cheers and Jeers 6-month Flashback: June 1, 2004...
JEERS to "total sovereignty." Iraqis are pissed because we wanted them to choose their president from a pre-approved list of marginally-acceptable candidates of questionable repute. Welcome to the club---here in America we call that an HMO.
JEERS to The Greatest Generation Gone Wild. Busted furniture...used condoms in the hallways...broken Schlitz bottles...3am police calls. Hotel owners say it'll take weeks to recover from W.W. II Memorial dedication weekend.
And just one more...
JEERS to the awful truth. Now that December's here, it's time to break the news to Junior: http://www.spicyhumor.com/pictures/a_grave_discovery.jpg. So who's gonna tell him about the Easter Bunny and the SUV?
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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