With hurricane season merely hours away, now is a good time to take a moment and ask yourself if you're prepared for this year's severest of severe weather. Answer the following questions as honestly as you care to and find out if you learned from others' mistakes and have what it takes to survive a hurricane's aftermath.
1.) A helicopter has arrived to help with the evacuation of the Superdome. Do you:
a.) Remain calm and wait for instructions from the proper authorities.
b.) Set a car on fire.
c.) Assist the elderly and infirm.
d.) Shoot at it.
2.) You have run out of water. There's a convenience store down the street, but it is locked and boarded up. Do you:
a.) Consider the context and realize that you need water to survive, and break in to retrieve some.
b.) Set a car on fire.
c.) Fuck the convenience store. Let's hit the Circuit City.
d.) Shoot at it.
3.) A category 5 hurricane is approaching, and the local authorities have issued a mandatory evacuation. Do you:
a.) Gather enough food and water for several days and evacuate immediately.
b.) Gather enough crowbars and what not for possible future looting opportunities.
c.) Wait it out. After all, you're 93 years old and in a wheelchair. How bad could it get?
d.) Shoot at it.
4.) You're an oil company executive. Do you:
a.) Keep gasoline prices stable but raise them in accordance with the market needs to avoid inflation.
b.) 3 words: gouge, gouge, gouge.
c.) Watch the looting on your TV and say, "Let's do that, but while in really nice suits."
d.) Set a car on fire.
5.) You're a city official. you need to find a place to house 10's of 1000's of hurricane refugees. Do you:
a.) Choose a place based on a central location easily accessible to all those in need.
b.) Choose a place with, for all intents and purposes, no real roof.
c.) Choose a giant rundown eyesore in the direct path of the hurricane that will lose power almost immediately.
d.) Blame something/someone.
6.) You're a political pundit. Do you:
a.) See the humanity of the situation and suspend politics and instead embrace all that is good about being an American.
b.) exploit the situation for your own political gain.
c.) Yell and spit.
d.) Set a car on fire.
7.) You're a politician. Do you:
a.) See the humanity of the situation and suspend politics and instead embrace all that is good about being an American.
b.) Exploit the situation for your own political gain.
c.) Yammer on and on and on without ever answering the question.
d.) Remind yourself to take a tax write-off for your beach house that's just been destroyed.
8.) You've been, through no fault of your own, reduced to looting. Do you steal:
a.) Food and water.
b.) 34 pairs of jeans.
c.) Speakers.
d.) Football jerseys.
e.) A large screen plazma TV.
f.) Gasoline. (For car fires.)
g.) Beauty supplies.
9.) You're a rescue worker. Do you:
a.) Perform heroic acts of bravery.
b.) Watch helplessly as people drown because you can't get to them.
c.) Watch helplessly as people steal speakers.
d.) Get shot at.
10.) You're a network news station. Do you:
a.) Report the news.
b.) Engage in the most awful kind of emotional pornography since the tsunami.
c.) Report to hair and make-up.
d.) Show scenes from the hurricane aftermath using the music from American Beauty as an underscore in order to achieve b.) above.
e.) Set a car on fire.
11.) You're an American not in the disaster area. Do you:
a.) Give money to the red cross, donate blood and donate time.
b.) Watch helplessly as people drown and steal speakers.
c.) Engage in all of the emotional pornography right along with all of the network news channels.
d.) Try to get on with the business of living.
So how'd you do? That bad? Congratulations, you are now dead.