"Bereft on the Left: The Week in Satiric Review"
Cheney defends government's bank account monitoring program that secretly tapped into a vast international data base. Begun after evidence emerged that the Bank of America had issued a Visa card to a terrorist's dog.... After a year-long investigation, the F.B.I. exposed a Keystone Cops-like plot to attack Chicago's Sears Tower hatched by members of a group called "Seas of David."
Under intense questioning from suspicious reporters, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales had to admit that the "David" referred to is David Hasselhoff.... California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger turned down a request from Bush to send more troops to the Mexican border.
He's still considering a White House request to expel Ricardo Montalban, Jennifer Lopez and Andy Garcia from S.A.G.... McCain receives a standing ovation at the Ronald Reagan Library in Simi Valley, Ca. Then John headed for the Nixon Library to complete what's being termed his "Dead Presidents Tour."....
See you below the fold!
As I was aying before being so rudely interrupted...
Cheney says in a CBS interview "If we launch a preemptive strike on Korea, we'd better be prepared to fire more than one shot." One shot is enough to bring down an elderly Texas lawyer, but Korea? Dick may have a point.... The U.S. soccer team was knocked out of the World Cup competition by Ghana. Soccer moms across the nation lowered the flags on their SUV antennas to half-staff.... To ease their disappointment, the team displayed the bronze medal the US basketball team won in the 2004 Olympics.... Israeli's prime minister apologized for the air strike deaths of Palestinian civilians and then kissed their president. The apology probably would have sufficed.... Iraqi prime minister may offer amnesty to insurgents who "killed only Americans, no Iraqis." Known in military circles as "collateral damage control.".... So far, Al Gore's global warming documentary has grossed $7.3 million. Roughly the same number of votes he won the 2000 presidential election by..... The Army has raised the maximum age of enlistees to 42. Mess halls now feature an "Early Bird" dinner that includes M.R.G.'s----Meals Ready to Gum. Arthritics are excused from saluting and, if wounded, are awarded a Purple Prostate..... G.O.P.-controlled Senate refuses to raise the minimum wage which has been in effect since 1997. Snapped one on his way to lunch with a fat cat defense contractor, "I already tip the busboy!".... The new Interior Secretary has scrapped Gale Norton's plan to expand access of snow mobiles and ATV's in National Parks. There may be hope yet during the remainder of Bush's environmental fiasco. The Mint has also dumped a plan to replace the nickle's buffalo with a Hummer.... Rice warns North Korea: "A missile test would be taken with utmost seriousness." Well, there goes any hopes Margaret Cho might have had for another sitcom.... The helicopter that carried Richard Nixon from the White House after he resigned is now on display at the Nixon Library in Yorba Linda, Ca. Minus, of course, the "I Am Not a Crook!" banner that was pulled behind it....
Marine officers teaching a refresher course in "Core Warrior Values" in tents near Haditha use computer-generated slides projected onto a pull-down screen. Showing a variety of circled silhouettes of Iraqi civilians with a line drawn through them.... Scalia-led Supreme Court rules that police needn't "knock and announce" before entering a private home. On the plus side, if they don't knock the door down within 30 minutes, the pizza is free.... (Photo caption) Bush signs first major overhaul of mine-safety laws in 30 years. Hoping the measure will benefit the mining of coal in Kentucky and votes in November. Bill Gates announces he'll leave Microsoft in 2008. Actually, he's not retiring. He was typing his name into the corporate flow chart and accidentally hit "delete." Bush speechwriter and Evangelical Christian Michael Gerson to step down. Mike was responsible for such literary gems as "I never read newspapers," "New-cue-lar," and "I'm the decider." .... Said Marine 2nd Lieutenant John Warren "They may get hit with an IED or shot at by a sniper, but even this does not guarantee them a face-to-face with their assailant. The insurgents simply refuse to come out to play." Sir, could they be playing a different game?..... On Friday, a state of emergency was declared and Baghdad was virtually shut down amid the deadly chaos. Blamed on fierce fighting among three finatical elements----Shiites, Sunnis and Marines.
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Hope you drop by soon! The Jokesmith