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Breaking News! While drinking my morning cup'a'joe I inadvertently spilled some of that "black gold" onto my keyboard, causing sparks to fly, crackling sounds, psychedelic voodoo on my screen and third degree burns on my thighs. Sigh. If I'd bought my coffee at Mickey D's I'd be a millionaire now.

Anyway, when all of the wailing and screeching was over, and when my PC had finally settled into a quiescent (and mostly dormant) state, I discovered a secret memo that was inadvertently called up by the cyber lord, Sparky. It was from Doug Feith to his pal, Dickie-boy. Have a read of some of it:

It is with some sadness that I must inform you of my resignation from the (secret) post of Misinformer in Chief. I will, of course, continue to befuddle and amaze both friends and enemies alike (well, mostly friends) but I won't do any of it "officially" any more. [My last "official" task was completed in early 2002]

Prior to leaving, I thought it important that I go over with you the results of the Iraqi elections one more time to ensure that all branches of the Dick Cheney, er, Federal Government get their stories facts straight.

Here then, are the final election results:

Percentage of registered voters who cast ballots:     67%
Free Kurdistan Party                                   1.2%
Compliant Fawning Kurdistan Party                     29%
Real Baathist Sunnis for Real Iraq                     0.045%
Allawi Sunni Review and Variety Party                 18%
Sistani's Sissy Shiites                                4%
Shiites Love America Party                            48%


We had discussed that turnout had to be higher than Saddam's last election, say 99.9997%, but frankly, Hannity at FOX didn't think he could push the envelope that far. I reminded him he'd already done that with the Swift Boats and Rathergate, but he pushed back, so we settled on 67%. Sounds nice and representative, don't it?

The Free Kurdistan Party is clearly not going anywhere, so we threw them a bone in return for just going away. 12 years of turning our backs on them and they still don't get it.

Our people have decided to keep the Real Sunnis on the ballot to show that we have participation from all groups. Of course, real Sunnis are either dead or wish they were, but you can't sell products unless there's a good news story somewhere.

Sistani's getting 4% as a courtesy. That raghead asshole won't play ball unless we agree to some of his terms. We? Agree? Who the hell does he think he is? Us??!

My calculator shows this adds up to more than 100%. That can't be right. Obviously I need a new calculator. I'm sick of having to get new calculators, watches and calendars because the results they give me aren't what I want. It took me a long time to replace that stupid calendar that had September 11 happening a day earlier than planned. Like, has 11 always been before 12? I never got a memo on it. Anyway, have the guys at DIEBOLD hack it like they did Ohio for us.

Anyway, FOX is going to run the "Legitimate Elections in Iraq Success" story for a few days and we'll bring in the "Allawi and Parliament vote Iraq to become 51st State" story in about four weeks. We still have to check on how we can marginalize the Puerto Ricans who will be pissed about being passed over.

PS Let me know if you want more help putting together your margin of victory in the 2008 Presidential campaign. By then I think we can start moving into landslide territory, don't you?

Forever yours,

Pookie Douglas Feith

NOTE: Italicized items, items in grayboxes, and items without any other qualification may be tortured according to a memo from Gonzales attempts at humor. Some readers may not share this sense of humor. Viewer discretion is advisable.

Originally posted to thingamabob on Fri Jan 28, 2005 at 07:45 AM PST.


When will the Iraq election results be known?

0%0 votes
8%1 votes
8%1 votes
16%2 votes
66%8 votes

| 12 votes | Vote | Results

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Comment Preferences

  •  Humor me (none)
    Please leave a comment if this diary did anything for you. Made you laugh. Made you weep. Made you cancel your ISP. Whatever.

    Actually, just leave a comment. I collect them. The more the better.

    "...there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." Hamlet, Act II, Scene ii.

    by thingamabob on Fri Jan 28, 2005 at 08:30:18 AM PST

    •  Don't feel much like laughing these days. (none)
      But this did help.  I will say that when i first heard the 48% figure last week my gut reaction was, "they fixed it!"  And now that all the talk is of a Chalabi victory, i'm sure of it.  Thanks for the Laugh, er smile.
  •  More (none)
    Especially if it's "more". I mean, I like "better" too, but I'll take "more" if I can get it.

    "...there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." Hamlet, Act II, Scene ii.

    by thingamabob on Fri Jan 28, 2005 at 08:31:19 AM PST

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