From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Valentine's Day: The Dark Side...
Top Ten Signs You're In A Bad Relationship
- You call her "sweetie"; she calls you "that guy whose food I'm poisoning."
- You share the same prison cell.
- I'm sleeping with your wife.
- Your husband comes home with a new dress for you and another one for himself.
- You sleep in separate beds, in separate rooms, in separate houses, in separate states.
- He has spent the last three-and-a-half years fleeing from cave to cave.
- She watches "Desperate Housewives" for ideas on how to cheat.
- Your spouse is late for your anniversary because "the gay bar didn't have a clock."
- Her response to your marriage proposal: "I guess."
- You married Star Jones.
---Late Show with David Letterman
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I remember one Valentine's Day I had to be away on a business trip. I wired flowers for my lovely wife, but she found the fuse.
---Author Unknown
Koufax Finalist Cheers and Jeers spreads the love in the Extended Entry section... [Swoosh!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, February 14, 2005...
By the Numbers:
Days `til Spring: 34
Percent of February that's over: 50%
Number of DNC members who voted Saturday: 447
Number of DNC members who voted for Howard Dean: 447
Percent of teachers who describe their experience working with parents as "very satisfying": 25%
(Source: MetLife survey via Time magazine)
Temperature inside the Windsor Building in Madrid at the height of the fire: 1400°F
CHEERS to the Democratic Wing of the Democratic Party. Knock knock. Who's there? Howard Dean. Howard Dean who? Howard Dean, Chairman of the Freakin' Democratic National Committee, Baby!! http://www.cnn.com/2005/ALLPOLITICS/02/12/dean.dems/index.html. Memo to self: breakdancing after 40 = Bad Idea.
JEERS to cheap shots. Tell me...did you read a single "mainstream media" story about Howard Dean over the weekend that didn't include a reference to his Iowa rally "scream?" Me neither. And what can you say about cheap shots like this: http://www.creators.com/editorial_show.cfm?comicname=cb. How about, "He who laughs last..."
CHEERS to the Valentine's Day Bandit. Every February 14th, a mysterious someone goes around Portland's downtown in the wee hours and tapes red hearts on virtually every street-level window, and we just love it. Mainly because it takes our mind off the previous week's visit by the Genital Warts Awareness Day Bandit.
JEERS to our guy. The Iraq votes have been counted---and recounted---and interim prime Minister Allawi limps to a 3rd place loss with only 14%. The big winner: al-Sistani and his All-Shiite Band: http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/meast/02/13/iraq.main/index.html. Now racing up the charts: `Sunni Days Aren't Here Again.'
CHEERS to more Maher. At the top of his ad in Entertainment Weekly is this: "Pol-i-tics (pol-i-tiks) n. 1. `Poli' means many. 2. `Tics' means blood-sucking insects." Real Time with Bill Maher returns Friday night on HBO. Welcome back. It's been too long.
JEERS to corporate douchebags. Non-profit community and school groups---like the middle school-aged Dribblettes---used to be able to put on shows and displays at the Maine Mall for free. Now that it's under new management (the coldly-named General Growth Properties, Inc., which owns 209 malls nationwide), those groups have to cough up $3,000: http://pressherald.mainetoday.com/news/nemitz/050213nemitz.shtml. And a corporate representative must be on hand at each event to randomly trip the children and laugh. You got a problem with that?
CHEERS to AmericaBlog. For this amazing discovery: Jeff Gannon's all-access White House pass is now up for bid on eBay (over 40 bids so far): http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=4103&item=3957884948&rd=1. Ouch...you should get that ear looked at.
CHEERS to new additions. On February 14, 1859, Oregon officially joined the Union, and 53 years later Arizona followed suit. One is the "Beaver" state. The other is the "Grand Canyon" state. And your mind is filthy.
JEERS to Bush's numbers. Molly Ivins minces no words: "...what a sham, what a rotten, phony, fake document this 2006 budget is": http://www.creators.com/opinion_show.cfm?columnsName=miv. That's our Little Miss Restraint.
CHEERS to the Grammys. Jon Stewart (Comedy Album), Bill Clinton (Spoken Word), Green Day (Rock album), and a total of 8 to Ray Charles. Sure wish he were here to feel the love.
CHEERS to The Gates. Or as we like to call it, the World's Longest Self-Serve Car Wash: http://apnews.myway.com/image/20050212/THE_GATES.sff_NYR101_20050212095436.html?date=20050212&do
cid=D8871J600. For an extra 50 cents you can get it waxed.
JEERS to Presidents' Day ads. They're all over TV and print hocking everything from cars to mattresses---bad actors in bad Abe and George costumes spouting lines like "We'll free your credit with no payments `til 2006!" and "We cannot tell a lie...we're dealin'!!" And advertisers wonder why they always find themselves at the bottom of the professional food chain.
CHEERS to women on the move. On this date in 1920, the League of Women Voters was founded in Chicago under the direction of president Maude Wood Park (she's the one on the right): http://womhist.binghamton.edu/lobby/park.jpg. It still amazes me how hard women had to fight for basic equality in the land of "Liberty and justice for all." Guys: tonight you cook.
CHEERS to America's mom. The perpetually sunny Florence Henderson (aka Mrs. Brady) turns 70 today. You did send her a card, right?
C&J Flashback: September 14, 2004...
CHEERS to Attack Dog Edwards. Speaking in Santa Fe, he delivers this zinger on a Bush health care speech: "I hear it's a short speech. The best I can tell, his health care plan is pray you don't get sick." Please, John...can you teach Kerry how to string together one-syllable words like that?
JEERS to Republican tightwads. A little unfinished business from the New York convention: it may have been a bigger financial bust than Boston, according to Andy Rooney: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/09/03/60minutes/rooney/main640930.shtml. But if that's true, how come so many hookers in the Big Apple are walking around today with brand new gold fillings?
And just one more:
CHEERS to a Happy Valentine's Day. Guess who got an upgrade when they lifted the assault weapons ban? http://pages.ripco.net/~zabolots/alyssapics/1st%20Valentine's%20Day%203.jpg. And no safety lock...how careless.
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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