As some of you know, I don't like Texas. While California and Minnesota and a few other states work hard and try to help their people, Texas has, since Enron, been the black sheep of America.
Some people have attributed this erratic, anti-social, and psycho-sociopathic behavior to various things, including mad-cow disease (my candidate) or just plain stupidity, but researchers have finally found a possible answer: the drinking water.
Possible Mercury, Autism Connection Found in Study
Thu Mar 17, 7:55 AM ET Top Stories - Los Angeles Times
By Thomas H. Maugh II Times Staff Writer
Texas researchers have found a possible link between autism and mercury in the air and water.
Studying individual school districts in Texas, the epidemiologists found that those districts with the highest levels of mercury in the environment also had the highest rates of special education students and autism diagnoses.
The study does not prove that mercury causes autism, cautioned the lead author, Raymond F. Palmer of the University of Texas Health Science Center in San Antonio, but it provides a "provocative" clue that should be further investigated.
So, they're not crazy, they're autistic. So, we should treat them as such: they will henceforth be sent to a "special congress," medicated 24/7, and marginalized by all the other states and not be allowed to sit at the same lunch table.
Also, I propose a new act, "No State Except Texas Left Behind," where the state is stripped of all disposable assets and walled off from the rest of the country to protect us from contamination. Of course, guns and liquor will be provided because of cost-cutting measures.
However, stiff opposition from mail-order companies is expected as most call-centers are located in Texas prisons. Fear not! Soon, computers will be able to replace Texan autistics, and companies will not need to use prison labor and receive massive savings instead of paying the whopping $1.00/hour.
But what about the oil? Plans are already underway to recycle all the pillaging equipment from Iraq. These soldiers, tanker trucks and IED equipment can easily be used to suck the oil out of Texas quickly and easily...with air support, of course. Can't take the oil without a few bombs!
Of course, rednecks/insurgents will probably hide underground and try to offer resistance. But, thanks to Bush, we will soon have nuclear bunker-busting bombs that will be able to take out these desert rats with ease!
So don't fear, America! Soon this cancer in our country will be scourged, and once again, we can bring democracy to a 3rd-world hellhole!
apparently, people from texas don't have any humor either, and need jokes explained to them.
[edit]
This entire diary is based on Swift's "A Modest Proposal," in that something can be dealt with in the same way that we are dealing with another problem, causing irony.
Here, I am commenting on various things that are wrong with the US as a nation but applied to one state. For example, how are special education students, in general, treated in this country? I hoped the parody here was obvious and would allow people to understand the rest. Apparently, people from Texas can't. Also here, Texas feels the need to dominate the rest of the country by controlling energy. The reference to medication was basically how would they feel if another large conglomerate had control over them? In this case, the pharmeceuticals.
The next point I made is that Texas is very similar to Iraq: an oil-rich area led by an extremist military dictator who fixes elections and practices political nepotism. Sound familiar? Here, I am shining the light of humor on Bush's Iraq policy. What's that sound? Waah? I think it's the sound of yet another joke going over a Texan's head.
Another point was that Bush labels anybody who opposes him as "an insurgent." And, i guess anybody who criticizes Texas is a "fucker". So be it, but Texas is still a shithole.
Don't worry, revenge-driven, Texan mercury contamination victims! Tip jar coming soon!