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                     Hell Running Short Of Special Places

    In what is believed to be a first for the blogosphere, if not the legacy press, I was recently granted an exclusive audience with Satan.  In a wide ranging interview The Prince Of Darkness spoke with me on a number of topics, focusing primarily on his difficulty in preparing enough "special places" for Bush administration members.

       After removing the blindfold I'd been required to wear in transit I found myself in Hell's waiting room.  "Don't call it purgatory," the receptionist sternly admonished.  Pleasantly furnished with several couches, some potted plants, and a low table holding a half dozen or so neatly stacked US News & World Reports, it could have been the anteroom to any corporate CEO's office.  Only the incessant bleating of Kenny G. through the ceiling speakers gave away our netherworldly location.
    At precisely the appointed time a large door behind the receptionist's desk burst open and a beaming Satan strode towards me extending a well manicured claw.
    "Please allow me to introduce myself," he said, enthusiastically pumping my arm.  "Let's do this in my office, but you'll have to excuse the mess."   
    He ushered me into a richly paneled office strewn with what appeared to be rolled up blueprints.  A tray of dark chocolate cake, elaborately prepared hard boiled eggs, and overly salty minced ham spread was offered.  The Devil must have sensed my surprise at seeing a PC on his desk.  "Yeah, we all have to use Windows ME down here," he sighed.  "It really is Hell."

JM:  Before we begin, how would you like me to address you?  Satan?  The Devil? Beelzebub?  Old Scratch?

Satan:  My name is legion.  Call me anything you want; just don't call me late for the last supper! (laughs)  No, call me Satan, Satan's fine.

JM:  If you'll forgive my saying so, your office is a bit of a mess.  Business must be good, huh?

Satan:  Well you know, we're getting our usual allotment, nothing more.  It's upstairs that's getting swamped.  A hundred thousand or so innocent Iraqis, plus all those poor young men and women dying for their president's lies.

JM:  So you have some problems with the Bush administration?

Satan:  Oh, don't get me wrong.  In some ways they've been very good to us.  We've even hopped on the outsourcing bandwagon.  You know all those America Online CDs you see everywhere?  We do that.  And those little cards that fall out when you open a magazine; that's us too.   We undercut everybody on price.  Believe me, we bring a new definition to the term sweatshop!  
    But it's the special places; having to design them and getting them built that's driving me nuts.

JM:  Special places?

Satan:  Yeah.  You see, first of all I don't get nearly as many customers down here as most folks think.  The man upstairs?  Well you wouldn't believe the forgiveness being doled out up there.  I mean you mortals try to grasp it but it's beyond your ability.  It's like a fruit fly trying to comprehend the cosmos.  Or Jessica Simpson trying to understand Buffalo wings.  
    But I still get plenty of business; I'm not complaining.  It's mostly routine, but when a really, really evil person dies I have to make sure that there's a special place in Hell for them.  The ordinary lake of fire stuff just won't cut it.  And we're backed up on being ready for the Bushies.

JM:  Are you telling me that there are members of the Bush administration who are going to die soon?

Satan:  Oh, Hell no.  I don't get that information down here.  (Looking upward and speaking loudly) I don't know why that is!  Really, you wouldn't believe how much I've tried to get God to the bargaining table, you know, merge Heaven and Hell.  The savings would be phenomenal.  Real synergy and redemption.  Bastard won't even return my calls.  
    So you see, since I don't know when anybody's going to die I have to be prepared ahead of time.  Fortunately I've been doing this long enough to be able to recognize who's going through the pearly gates and who's gonna be checkin' into Motel Styx.  Oh yeah, we'll leave the light on for you; you bet your ass!  And the anticipated influx from the Bushies is just overwhelming me.

JM:  So you're afraid you're going to run out of room?

Satan:  No, not at all.  Space is nearly infinite down here.  Hell is just a vast, ugly plane.  Sort of like that Airbus they rolled out a few weeks ago.  Hey, I just made that up!  Write it down!

JM:  Got it.

Satan:  Like I said, it's thinking up the special places, and then getting them built.  I'm intimately involved in every aspect no matter how small.  You know, The Devil is in the details.  
    We're way behind schedule.  My contractor's bleeding me dry with shoddy work and cost overruns.  I'd fire them if I could, but we've only got one contractor down here:  Helliburton.

JM:  Helliburton?

Satan:  Yeah, and I know what you're thinking and you're right.  They're a subsidiary.  Cheney set it up when he was incorporating all those shell companies so he could do business with Iraq and Iran.  Pack of fucking thieves is what they are!

JM:  So give me an idea of what sort of things you have in store for these folks.

Satan:  Well, some of them are pretty easy.  Ashcroft?  We've got a simple room set up for him.  But instead of wallpaper he'll see women's breasts everywhere he looks!  Damn I'm looking forward to seeing the horror on his face when he sees that!  Then we'll just play a soundtrack of the screams of the 9/11 victims, you know, the ones he might have been able to save if he hadn't decided to focus on drugs and porn instead of national security.  
    And his replacement, Gonzales?  That's almost too easy:  All torture all the time!  Down here we also consider the Geneva Conventions (makes quotation marks in the air with his talons) quaint.  And in Hell, organ failure isn't fatal! (laughs)

JM:  How about Colin Powell?

Satan:  Well, he's one of the more difficult cases.  A once honorable man who embraced the dark side, so to speak.  Hey, I think there's a movie in that!  Anyway, I was thinking of going with a Steppin' Fetchitt theme, maybe make him dress up like a lawn jockey or something.  But I've settled on Goethe; a continuous performance of Faust.  Just 24/7 of reminding him what happens to a man when he sells his soul.

JM:  How about people who aren't actually members of the Bush administration, but support its agenda?  Like Senator Santorum?

Satan:  Oh I'm especially proud of his special place.  The Sanctum Santorum I'm calling it.  First, I'm going to see to it that there's always a few hounds of Hell sniffing around his ass, if you catch my drift.  He seems to have a real preoccupation with that sort of thing.  Then, he's going to be bombarded around the clock with people performing Broadway shows.

JM:  That's a punishment?  I'm not sure that I follow.

Satan:  You didn't let me finish.  Broadway shows written, performed, and directed only by straight people.  No Cole Porter.  No Noel Coward.  No Oscar Wilde.  Nothin' but straight people tryin' to dance!  Trust me; it'll be brutal.

JM:  Perhaps in the same vein, how about Alan Keyes?

Satan:  That's another easy one.  People get all worried about the fire and brimstone.  The flame that burns yet does not consume yada yada yada.  
    But they're wrong.  The worst damnation is isolation from those who love you; the knowledge that you'll never see them again, never get to put things right.  So Alan Keyes will simply spend eternity surrounded by photos of his daughter.  The one he disowned, not because of who she hated, but because of who she loved!  Listen, I take pride in my work; I can dish out some mean shit.  But the worst Hells are often the ones we make for ourselves.

JM:  I guess that leaves us with the man himself.  What sort of special Hell are you preparing for George W. Bush?

Satan:  (Pauses for several seconds, looks down.)  You know, that's the one that's keeping me up nights.  Ever since that White House Correspondent's Dinner.  I was there, seated next to Brit Hume.  
    (Looks up with moist eyes.) There he was.  Only a few months before he had sent hundreds of his nation's finest to their deaths.  It was obvious that more would follow.  Thousands more were horribly maimed.  Tens of thousands of innocent civilians dead.  He had said there was a reason for it.  A reason why it had to be done.
      And the reason had been proven wrong.  It had all been for a falsehood.  Every bit of it.
    And he stood up there in front of the world and he joked about it!  He stood up there in front of a big photo of him peering under his desk and he said "Nope, no weapons of mass destruction there!"      Then they showed another picture of him lifting up some pieces of paper on his desk and he said "Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be around here somewhere!"  He fucking joked about it! (visibly trembling.)  
    I realized then that creating a special enough place in Hell for him was the least of my worries.

JM:  How do you mean?

Satan:  Listen, I have been doing this for, well...forever.  And I know I turned on the charm for you here today; I can do that.  Hell, I'm the guy who invented PR.  But make no mistake; I am one nasty, mean- ass, evil motherfucker.  Since the beginning of time I've had no equal!  But when that son of a bitch gets down here....I'm out of a fucking job.


Originally posted to jazzmaniac on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 12:50 PM PST.

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Comment Preferences

  •  Hell-air-I-O-U-S!!!! I needed a good chuckle n/t (4.00)
    Where's the tip jar?

    9/11 was a Faith-Based Initiative - Bill Maher

    by glazeone on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 12:55:53 PM PST

  •  Terrific (none)
    Second the tip jar request
  •  Unreservedly Recommended (none)
    Kenny G., Motel Styx, Sanctum Santorum, oh god there's more!

    Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. - Mark Twain

    by Rolfyboy6 on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 12:59:11 PM PST

  •  C.S. Lewis would be proud (none)
    a modern remake of the Screwtape Letters.

    How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?

    by getmeoutofdixie on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 01:00:10 PM PST

  •  excellent! (none)
    Very nicely done! You turn a mean phrase. Thanks for the laugh. Recommended.
  •  Reminds me of (4.00)
    Heinlein's "Job - A comedy of Justice"

    Hell is not enough for Bush

  •  *clap*clap*clap* (none)

    Well done.

    Proud member of the Social Security google-bomb project.
    Be proud. YOU'RE A LIBERAL.

    by changingamerica on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 01:22:24 PM PST

  •  Fallen Angel (none)
    No wonder Satan got cast out ---

    He'e a LOT funnier than the Big Guy!


    rok for dean

  •  Wholeheartedly (none)
    Recommended.  You have no idea how much I needed a laugh like this!
  •  That was great!!! (none)
    Although for some reason it did make me think about how funny it would be if Ashcroft actually got a boob job.  

    Eeeeeesh, why did you make me think that????

    Gonna take hard work. Gonna have to work hard.

    by AriesMoon on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 01:31:07 PM PST

  •  I especially liked (4.00)
    "It's like a fruit fly trying to comprehend the cosmos. Or Jessica Simpson trying to understand Buffalo wings. "
    "Hell is just a vast, ugly plane. Sort of like that Airbus they rolled out a few weeks ago."
  •  Ahahaha! (none)
    Too funny!

    Like Jessica Simpson trying to understand Buffalo wings.  Oh man, such comedy.

    "I feel your scorn and I accept it." - Jon Stewart

    by starkness on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 01:32:07 PM PST

  •  So would that have been... (4.00)
    ...devil's food cake and deviled eggs that were served?  Great Fiction!!!  It is fiction, isn't it?

    Be the creature. (But not a Republican.)

    by boran2 on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 01:38:44 PM PST

  •  You got recommended (4.00)
    when I hit the Windows ME line.

    But then, impossibly enough, it got better.

    Laws, sausages, and software- once you know how they're made, you'll never trust them ever again.

    by bhurt on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 01:43:25 PM PST

  •  Special Place In Hell (4.00)
    Satan isn't out of a job when Bush gets there. I'm sure they were able to find a special place in hell even for Hitler.

    The problem with Bush is that you'd have to make him intelligent enough to see the error of his ways. You'd have to teach him everything about everything. Perhaps then he would see the true majesty and terror of the universe he does not now understand. After that you could just leave him alone for eternity. Alone to weep at the memory of his sins.

    Anyway, good bit of writing!

    •  And add a dose of empathy! (nt) (none)

      "what could possibly go wrong?"

      by dennisdeveny on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 03:18:16 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

    •  send him back to prep school.. (none)
      as the poor boy on scholarship having to defend himself against rich bullies.  That's what I would do to Bush until at least he learns to pronounce nuclear.  So in other word millennia!

      Then I would move on from there.

      We Glory in war, in the shedding of human blood. What fools we are.

      by delver rootnose on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 03:33:55 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

    •  I've got an idea for Bush's Hell. (3.66)
      Since Bush is so phobic about death, it's time for him to attend a few funerals. Just lock him in a room filled with all the coffins of the people he's responsible for killing. 1500+ US troops, 100,000+ Iraqis, throw in the 9/11 victims for good measure.

      Open caskets, of course.

      I can hear the horrified mewling already.

      "A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine." - Thomas Jefferson

      by EsnRedshirt on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 03:43:27 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

    •  I think Bush has turned my America to Hell on (none)
      Earth, so it is appropriate that he would be a great leader for the underworld.
    •  i think that's Bush's hell (none)
      He gets an IQ upgrade and then has to spend eternity studying all the things he's fucked up: economics, politics, sociology, math, science, history, military strategy, and ethics.

      Needless to say, his connections will cause him to be graded MORE strictly and not less, and there will be no frat houses to escape to. And all the while a tape of his actions during his Presidency is played for him in a continuous loop, so that he can keep finding fresh things to regret.

      Why, the book-reading requirement alone will be torturous.

      The Americans will always do the right thing... after they've exhausted all the alternatives. - Sir Winston Churchill

      by drewthaler on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 10:43:02 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  and (none)
        If you think the prices at your campus bookstore are outrageous, just think what they're charging at Hell University.

        The Americans will always do the right thing... after they've exhausted all the alternatives. - Sir Winston Churchill

        by drewthaler on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 10:47:36 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

      •  Kinda like when Angelus (none)
        was cursed with a soul and spent the rest of his "un-life" repenting for all of the horrible things he'd done while a vampire.   Damn, that's it!!! Bush will be cursed with...A Brain!!!!!

        9/11 was the Neocons' Reichstag fire.

        by Bulldawg on Thu Mar 24, 2005 at 01:01:55 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

      •  Bush's Hell (none)
        Oh, yes! Give Bush an IQ increase waaaaay up to 80, then let him go to every serviceman's funeral that he's responsible for, and spend some real quality time with all the surviving members of his/her family all the while being unable to tell a lie. That would be real hell.
        I'd give John Asscroft a huge boob job, permanent streetwalker make-up, a permanent come-on look and make him tour all the Naval & Marine bases in drag. For all the neo-con's; Feith, Abrahms, Negroponte, Bolton, Pearle, Wolfowitz, et all, ad nauseum. I'd give 'em all lots of big Star of David tattoos and parachute them into Iran, Chechnya or maybe Somalia... naked of course.
        For our special friends, our favorite chickenhawks: Rumsfailed and Dr. Fear; Dick Cheney, I'd let them get a glimpse of REAL FEAR, the fear of war in the real world. I'd have them serve as foot soldiers in a perpetual war starting with the Greeks, Romans and Persians. I'd have them see every battle, every horror, every atrocity ever commited up till the present day. They'd be right in the middle of every battle and after a few millenia they might figure out that war truly is HELL.
  •  Thats twice today I had a good laugh (none)
    Great diary. Recomended.
  •  EXCELLENT!!! (none)
    Would it be alright to email this one around? Great ending.

    Social Security: No Crisis! Here's your cat of the day

    by Rome890 on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 01:59:28 PM PST

  •  Snort, snicker, s..s..s..s.. (none)
  •  I bow to your superior writing talents! (none)
    you da man (or woman? it doesn't say)

    --- Physicians for a National Health Program

    by tiggers thotful spot on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 02:10:02 PM PST

  •  what about (3.75)



    somebody needs to be greeted with flowers.... dead thorny ones.... endlessly..... thousands of little nicks..... endlessly....

    I support Soulforce - seeking Justice for God's GLBT children. Please join us.

    by its simple IF you ignore the complexity on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 02:15:31 PM PST

  •  Kenny G Muzak (4.00)
    I always knew MalWart and Hell had a lot in common!
  •  Motel Styx and a Straight Broadway... lmao (none)
    occasionally I love being a nerd... intelligent humor is highly underrated... and you are hysterical.  As well as very insightful.  Fabulous diary.
  •  God, I needed the laughs ... (none)
    this may well be the funniest diary I've read on Kos!  Thanks for brightening up my day, and leaving me with bruised sides!  (-;
  •  Loved it - a big recommend and a 4! (none)
    I think the best literature out there these days is on dailykos - both serious and comic!

    You should be a playwright (maybe you are?)

    "Our particular principles of religion are a subject of accountability to God alone."--Thomas Jefferson

    by hopesprings on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 02:48:17 PM PST

  •  excellent (none)
    send this to jon stewart
  •  The Devil and Georgia (4.00)
    Did you talk to the same devil that went down to Georgia?

    The Devil Went Down To Georgia

    The devil went down to Georgia
    He was looking for a soul to steal
    And he was in a bind
    'Cause he was way behind
    And was willin' to make a deal.

    When he came upon this young man playing
    a fiddle and playin' it hot
    the devil jumped up on a hickory
    stump and said,
    "Boy let me tell you what:

    I bet you didn't know it
    but I'm a fiddle player too,
    And if you care to take a dare
    I'll make a bet with you
    Now you play a pretty good fiddle boy
    But give the devil his due
    I'll bet a fiddle of gold against your soul
    'Cause I think I'm better than you."

    The boy said, "My name's Johnny
    And it might be a sin
    But I'll take your bet, your gonna regret
    'Cause I'm the best that's ever been."

    Johnny you rosin up your bow and play your
    fiddle hard 'Cause hell's broke loose in Georgia
    And the devil deals the cards
    And if you win you get this shiny fiddle made of gold
    But if you lose the devil gets your soul.

    The devil opened up his case and he said,
    "I'll start this show."
    And fire flew from his fingertips

    As he rosined up his bow
    And he pulled the bow across the strings
    And it made an evil hiss
    Then a band of demons joined in
    And it sounded something like this

    When the devil finished Johnny said,
    "Well you're pretty good ol' son!
    But sit down in that chair right there
    And let me show you how it's done!"

    Fire on the mountain, run boys run
    Devil's in the house of the rising sun
    Chickens in the breadpan, picking out dough
    Granny does your dog bite? No, child, no

    The devil bowed his head
    Because he knew that he'd been beat,
    And he laid that golden fiddle
    On the ground at Johnny's feet
    Johnny said, "Devil, just come on back
    if you ever wanna try again.
    I done told you once,
    You son-of-a-bitch,
    I'm the best that's ever been!"

    He played:
    Fire on the mountain, run boys run
    Devil's in the house of the rising sun
    Chickens in the breadpan, picking out dough
    Granny does your dog bite? No, child, no.

    If you did, when is the re-match vs. Johnny?

    "Carry the battle to them. Don't let them bring it to you. Put them on the defensive. And don't ever apologize for anything." --President Truman

    by Eloy on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 02:59:38 PM PST

  •  Swell New Construction by Satan (4.00)

    I stayed in one like this once, the service was diabolical.
    (pic: Hell, Norway)

    Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. - Mark Twain

    by Rolfyboy6 on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 03:00:33 PM PST

    •  Hey! I was there, too! (none)
      Actually, waiting at the train junction, under the midnight sun.  Had my daughter hop up on a "hand-cart", under the "Hell" sign.  Photo's around here, somewhere...

      If a thousand men were not to pay their tax bills this year, that would not be a violent and bloody measure, as it would be to pay them, and enable the State...

      by HenryDavid on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 11:06:51 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

    •  My word, that place is ugly. (none)

      Alterius non sit qui suus esse poteste. - Paracelsus

      by asterlil on Thu Mar 24, 2005 at 07:19:05 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  I thought you meant Dick Cheney (none)

  •  This post sets a new standard for 4's (none)
    The Sanctum Santorum -- loved it! Ah, I loved all of it.
  •  Loud, sustained, standing applause. n/t (4.00)

    "Michael Savage is the concience (sic) of the conservative movement"--Free Republic Poster

    by soonergrunt on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 03:17:45 PM PST

  •  NICE! (none)
    And cheers for the "Ol' Scratch" reference. My favorite nickname for the bastard. You kinda have to see my brother-in-law say it to get the full effect, but it gave me a chuckle.

    Good times.

    Blog this! Visit me at K Street Blues. It will change your life.

    by AggieDemocrat on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 03:19:39 PM PST

    •  Angry Johnny & the Killbillies (none)
      My old pal Angry Johnny has a special knack with the phrase "Old Scratch", himself.  Has rather a personal relationship it's always seemed.

      Angry Johnny & the Killbillies video--RealPlayer

      Lyrics to "Jesus, Please Come on Down", featuring use of "Old Scratch".

      Jesus, please come on down
      Please come and see me when you're in town
      I'm waiting, waiting around
      Please come on down
      Come on down when you're in town
      Jesus, please lord stop by
      I'm all alone, I don't know why
      Maybe you'd like a beer
      Why don't you come down here?
      Come down here
      Come on down
      Jesus, I'd like to talk
      Why don't you come see me
      We can go for a walk
      Down the road we'll walk a ways
      And you can take me up your highway
      Lord come on down
      Jesus I'm so confused
      Why don't you come and see me
      Tell me a little bit of truth
      Old Scratch tells me that he knows all the answers
      Says he's gonna set me free, lord come on down
      Jesus, don't let him win
      I love her Lord, tell me why is that a sin?
      The clock up on my wall is winding down
      Oh help me please Lord come on down
      Jesus, don't let him win
      I love her Lord, tell me why is that a sin?
      The clock up on the wall is winding down
      You gotta help me out here, Jesus
      You gotta come on down
      Please come on down
      When you're in town
      Lord come on down

  •  Jazzmaniac should be syndicated. (4.00)
    I still remember the diary right around the first debate, where he had Bush defecating on himself and melting down in angst over "Daddy" .... and still "winning" the debate in the SCLM's eyes. Pure genius. Thanks for the laughs!

    First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. -- Mohandas Gandhi

    by trueblue illinois on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 03:34:32 PM PST

  •  One correction.... (4.00) the last statement, you say Satan will be out of a job. Doesn't he know, Dubya works in the "Spirit of Bipartisanship?" I am sure Dubya has a warm place in his heart for Satan ;)

    Great diary. I would point out where I laughed, but I would have to reprint the entrie diary. Now I have to go e-mail (The url) this to my friends and family :D

    Reason obeys itself; and ignorance submits to whatever is dictated to it. -Tom Paine

    by Alumbrados on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 03:36:51 PM PST

  •  you are going to hell for this... (none)
    But at least you already have a contact on the inside.  I hope you were nice to the receptionist.

    I wonder what the receptionist in hell would have in his/her candy dish?

    We Glory in war, in the shedding of human blood. What fools we are.

    by delver rootnose on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 03:38:05 PM PST

  •  missing a part (none)
    for Lieberman aka "JoeHellDoom".

    "Hell Bill, even McCarthy got a few people to show up." George Clooney

    by Euroliberal on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 03:42:50 PM PST

  •  Well done. (none)
    Great build up!
  •  What about Cheney? (none)
    I can't believe you left out Richard "The Dick" Cheney!

    Otherwise, perfect.  And as a former Windows ME user, ROTFL!

    (Insert Democrat Here) for President in 2008!

    by teenagedallasdeaniac on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 03:57:28 PM PST

  •  Brilliant....just brilliant (none)
    Thank you, I needed that.
  •  excellent job (none)
    Thanks for sharing this! Not one wasted word and I love the subtleties. 2 enthusiastic pitch forks up!

    "I have lived with several Zen masters -- all of them cats." - Eckhart Tolle

    by catnip on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 04:21:23 PM PST

  •  Brilliant--thanks for a good laugh! (none)
    And I love your signature. I'll try to keep it in mind every time I feel the need to watch the evening news. Maybe it will help me break the habit. Bill Moyers is my hero. I miss seeing him every week on PBS.
  •  Please allow me to introduce myself (none)
    that was geniously funny !

    Let the Democratic Reformation Begin

    by Pounder on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 04:31:11 PM PST

  •  sssssssssssssssssss (none)
    I just love it. Thank you!
  •  Front runner for the Koufax (4.00)
    Post of the year!

    Remember, folks, Roxtar pays $9.70 for the best news tip of the week!

    by roxtar on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 04:40:23 PM PST

  •  All joking aside (4.00)
    I have head more than one person seriously mention the idea that GW truly is the anti-christ.  

    The Truth is all that matters.

    by genethefiend on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 04:58:14 PM PST

  •  Hell ,yeah!!! (none)

    The truth will set you free,but first it will piss you off.

    by mint julep on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 05:09:17 PM PST

  •  One Helluva good Diary n/t (none)
  •  This should get a 4+ (none)
    Also there should be a disclaimer before starting recommending all food and beverages to be completely digested before starting to read.

    From the ME jab to the excellent delivery to the punchline, I had to make sure my snack was well out of arm's reach.  Maybe the follow up to this lets us see what Ol' Scratch has in store for the puppeteers and other assorted players in the game (can't forget to make special places for Paps & Babs, as well as finding out whatever happened to his direct progenitors).

  •  Fabulous! (none)
    It's been a long, tough day.  I needed a laugh.  Great stuff.  Do you work for Jon Stewart?  Are you Jon Stewart (just wondering)?
  •  Bravo! (none)
    Encore!  Encore!  Encore!
  •  THIS (none)
    I'm just happy to see someone treat these matters as they are. We all laughed and thought that things like EVIL were just extreemist points of veiw, that is till George Bush cheated his way to power.
  •  ahhh, I see... (none)
    Southpark got it wrong.  It wasn't Saddam who made the Devil cry.
  •  jazzmaniac (4.00)
    This is the first diary by another kossack I've linked to my blog.

    Best. Satan. Interview. Ever.

    We can make the world a better place by laying them by the heels. -- Sherlock Holmes

    by Carnacki on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 06:51:27 PM PST

  •  Hall of Fame! (4.00)
    Do we have one?

    You know, they say the Devil is not mocked.

    This does not mock anything in the theological realm -- in fact, it honors the highest values we hold, by showing them in relief to their opposites.

    It is the small meanness of a particular bucket of human flotsam that is mocked here, and they would never get it.

    (Question for us is, How can we, who do see some part of this, fashion our nation's politics to embody those values trampled on by Hell's Class of 2020?)

    You are good, really good.  Thanks for this view from on high...

    If a thousand men were not to pay their tax bills this year, that would not be a violent and bloody measure, as it would be to pay them, and enable the State...

    by HenryDavid on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 06:51:31 PM PST

  •  The Prince of Darkness afraid of our (4.00)
    Brainless Horseman of the Apocalypse ?

    Hillarious and scary!!!

    In the future people will wonder why most didn't challenge Bush's excesses
    The truth? Complacency was easier

    by lawnorder on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 06:58:00 PM PST

  •  My version of Hell (4.00)
    The only channel is Fox News and the only place to shop is WalMart.  The radio only has two stations - one plays modern country music (Toby Keith and Charlie Daniels) and pop music (Whitney Houston's "I'll Always Love You").

    What color are your pajamas?

    by Unstable Isotope on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 07:00:22 PM PST

  •  Well, Jazzmaniac... (4.00)
    ...we might as well close down DKos, MyDD, Freep, and all the other blogs, because you've won. You've showed us all how the game is played, and I don't think anyone can top this, ever.

    Sanctum Santorum... < snork >

    "All this time spent trying to stop people from having sex. Now I know how the Catholic Church feels." --Stewie Griffin

    by PerfectStormer on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 08:32:03 PM PST

  •  Very very clever ... (none)
    ... and funny ... in a sad, bitter way.  It truly captures the immoral depravity of these people, and helps us remember how outrageous their actions have been.  

    But I wonder about projecting concepts like "evil" and "the devil" onto others ... even the Bush administration.  From a spiritual growth perspective, it is more important to reflect on our own actions, to develop compassionate awareness about how we might be contributing to the suffering of others.  

    Simply pointing fingers at "the evil-doers" (to quote the man himself), will not make the world a better place.  

    Having said all that, it does often seem to me that the only explanation for the Bush White House is that Cheney's chief advisor's is, in fact, Beelzebub.  

    May all beings be free from fear.

    by shakti on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 08:38:16 PM PST

    •  Normally, I'd say this belongs (none)
      in the realm of psychological introspection, but:

      There is complicity -- active and passive -- on so many levels.

      Americans pay GWB's salary, and pay the fare for his depredations around the world.

      Americans who know about these persisting crimes do not unite in a feasible way to shut down these deeds.

      I believe people get tied up in issues of Guilt.  What a waste!  If you saw a child in the path of a moving truck, you not think a moment about guilt, past or prospective; you would intuitively focus on effectiveness.  So -- what's the diff here?

      If a thousand men were not to pay their tax bills this year, that would not be a violent and bloody measure, as it would be to pay them, and enable the State...

      by HenryDavid on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 11:22:03 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  Thank you all (4.00)
    for your kind words, your 4's, and especially for recommending it enough that plenty of folks got to read it.
    You have my gratitude.

    News is what powerful people don't want you to hear. Everything else is publicity.-Bill Moyers

    by jazzmaniac on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 09:12:46 PM PST

    •  Oh no, thank YOU! (none)
      Do you have any idea how hard it's been to laugh these last few days?

      And thanks for permitting forwarding this on - I'm sending it out to several friends.

      As long as I count the votes, what are you going to do about it? - William Marcy Tweed

      by sidnora on Thu Mar 24, 2005 at 09:33:19 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  Now that Buffy's off the air, (none)
    it seems like the Hellmouth has moved to Florida. A whole lot of weirdness going on for one little ole state. Here's the latest, if you'll forgive a self-pimp.

    We've all heard that the best magicians are masters of misdirection. Perhaps W is just a sidebar, and it's Jeb who's the real Lord of the Down-Button.

  •  If (4.00)
    any mainstream corporate media hacks happen to reading this...

    The next time you or one of your colleagues bloviate an opinion about why people are reading blogs instead of you, here's a simple answer: the writing is better. Case in point this diary is one of the best humor/commentary pieces I've read recently.

    •  That's it -- (4.00)
      and, apparently, and honest view of facts is a precursor for good writing.  Probably something about clearing the mind...

      If a thousand men were not to pay their tax bills this year, that would not be a violent and bloody measure, as it would be to pay them, and enable the State...

      by HenryDavid on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 11:11:45 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  Incredible diary. (none)
    Perfectly constructed. So many subtle references that I'm sure that I missed a couple. (Oh yes, what were the chocolate, eggs and ham all about? Hmmm)

    And a killer ending. I know many posters had a handful more people that they wanted you to include but it was just the right pacing and length. I'm not sure that any more wouldn't have marred it some.


    "You don't lead by pointing and telling people some place to go. You lead by going to that place and making a case." - Ken Kesey

    by Glinda on Wed Mar 23, 2005 at 11:45:53 PM PST

    •  the food was. (none)
      devil's food cake, deviled eggs and deviled ham.

      We Glory in war, in the shedding of human blood. What fools we are.

      by delver rootnose on Thu Mar 24, 2005 at 02:34:15 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  Oh ...duh! (none)
        Aha! It was a basic reference not an obscure reference ... I am such a moron sometimes.

        Ya know ... when my 9-year-old read this, she immediately picked up on the brilliance of the reference and explained it to me. Maybe it's all of the Math test prep.

        She's so amazingly, "dawningly" smart! I'm so proud at what she's accomplished.!

        Oy! And I realize that I'm losing it in tiny increments. "Effin" disturbing! But that's the cycle of life! Oy!

        "You don't lead by pointing and telling people some place to go. You lead by going to that place and making a case." - Ken Kesey

        by Glinda on Thu Mar 24, 2005 at 07:31:09 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

        •  I understand. (none)
          We all sometimes look so hard for the subtle details that we miss the obvious pie in the face humor.  It comes with, not age but, the cluttering of one's mind that happens as the details of life take over.

          Childhood is so simple and usually joyful

          I understand more and more the appeal of becoming a monk as my ennui of life grows.

          By the way if you think your mind is cluttered with details I am an assembly level mainframe programmer.  The devil is in the details.  

          We Glory in war, in the shedding of human blood. What fools we are.

          by delver rootnose on Thu Mar 24, 2005 at 07:50:16 PM PST

          [ Parent ]

          •  Aahhh! (none)
            MF Assembley language! Yep that qualifies as "details". I've forgotten most of it. But I still can create JCL that executes correctly even if I haven't done so in years! Funny how that stuck with me.

            "You don't lead by pointing and telling people some place to go. You lead by going to that place and making a case." - Ken Kesey

            by Glinda on Fri Mar 25, 2005 at 04:40:24 AM PST

            [ Parent ]

  •  Uh oh (none)
    Free, unfettered, brilliant humor. Something's wrong here. What world am I living in? Am I dead?

    "the prophet is a fool, the spiritual man is mad... for the multitude of thine inequity, and the Great Hatred" - violent femmes

    by Tirge Caps on Thu Mar 24, 2005 at 12:13:10 AM PST

  •  Thank You (none)
    The hours you spent writing this are clearly appreciated by the Kossak community.

    It certainly helped me start my day off right.

    Thank you!

    (May I have some more please?)

  •  My first pompous reaction (4.00)
    (not my first reaction, which left coffee on the keyboard, but my first reaction to your kicker of a message) was, surely, not - surely Hitler was worse.

    Because I agree with posters who get upset when comparisons are made between Bushies and Nazis.

    But on reflection, on a personal moral level, I think you might be right. That stupid stuff with the WMDs sums it up.  He doesn't seem even to have any moral mission, however misguided. He always gives me the impression he thinks being president is a bit of a lark, a prank.  Hence the smirk.  His henchmen are hideous, and have clearly adopted him as cover for their hideousness - but maybe we should credit them with some fundamental sense that they are doing what they think is best for the world.  Bush doesn't even seem to have that excuse.

    He's a brat. And he's president of the United States.

  •  Special Rooms Suite (none)
    Does he have any special rooms for LBJ, Nixon, James Baker, all of LBJ's associates, Karl Rove, Lee Atwater, evey Oilman in Texas, Oklahoma and Louisanna, Bob Novak, Henry Hyde, Sen Sununu (sp), Elain Chao, Phil Gramm (sp), Coach K, Mike Ditka, Dennis Miller, Joe Lieberman, John Mitchell, Oliver North.......

    He could have one section alone for Texans involved in modern GOP politics

  •  Question. (none)
    What's the average age of your regular Kossack?  

    I find it difficult to believe that so many people find this piece of fiction so absolutely hilarious.  Is it merely the generation gap?

    •  Maybe a poll (none)
      Would be a good idea to find out? I'm over 40 (not gonna get more specific) and found it funny, but probably not hilarious.

      Thought the Helliburton stuff was a bit weak. However, it is very good, for something which was basically given away for free. If the author was getting paid for it, he probably would have spent more time and polished it up. However, the spontaneity of the piece has its own charm.

      •  I'm 59 (none)
        and I thought it was hilarious. Maybe the original poster meant that he was young.

        Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. - Mark Twain

        by Rolfyboy6 on Thu Mar 24, 2005 at 09:00:55 AM PST

        [ Parent ]

        •  yep. (2.50)
          Yes.  As someone just hit my quarter century, I really really cannot understand why so many people like this.  I seriously doubt it's any sort of educational or cultural difference, as we're all relatively educated and all North Americans.  The only conclusion is age.

          There's a serious generation gap between the people who can relate to a mild, kind of soapy-satire and those who find this kind of thing really dated and antiquated.  

          I guess it's the reason why so many people under 25 read authors like Burroughs avidly, while so many OVER 25 just start to despise that style of intense satire at some point.

          I dunno.  I just find the above story about as funny as an episode of "The Facts of Life".  Which is to say...  not really.

          •  You just lack the experience (none)
            to understand the goofiness of a unverse whose leading operating priciples are accident, error, and stupidity.

            Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. - Mark Twain

            by Rolfyboy6 on Thu Mar 24, 2005 at 09:25:54 AM PST

            [ Parent ]

          •  Don't think it was so much age (none)
            My teen-aged son liked it pretty much the same as I did. No belly-laughs, but a good chuckle at the Windows ME.
          •  People are just different. (none)
            I don't think it's an age thing, just a personal preference. I thought it was hilarious.

            (35 years old-many my age read Burroughs, HST, Tom Robbins, etc.)

    •  273 this Friday. (none)

      9/11 was the Neocons' Reichstag fire.

      by Bulldawg on Thu Mar 24, 2005 at 05:37:06 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  You have topped Mark Twain on this one! (none)
      Seriously though, have you considered sending this in to the papers as a guest Editorial?

      I'm sending the link on my distribution list this is well written and well thought out. I want more of same!

  •  <<applause>> (none)

    George Bush vacations in Texas; he LIVES in Denial.

    by Joon on Thu Mar 24, 2005 at 08:16:57 AM PST

  •  My Dear Screwtape: (none)
    Any publicity is good publicity. Remember, our guy invented PR.

    I don't leave marks... only impressions. - J.D. Guckert

    by hndrcks on Thu Mar 24, 2005 at 08:47:21 AM PST

  •  Wonderful read (none)
    Brilliant. Couldn't stop laughing at Santorum's fate.
    Thank you.

    "One of the biggest changes in politics in my lifetime is that the delusional is no longer marginal." Bill Moyers

    by Lahdee on Thu Mar 24, 2005 at 08:59:46 AM PST

  •  home run (3.50)
    there are so many tiresome attempts at humor here (my own sometimes included) that I get jaded and tend to pass up obviously satiric posts, but this is a masterpiece. I vote for Samuel L. Jackson as Satan in the movie; there's just something about the rhythm of the speech that he could do perfectly: "they deserved to die, and I hope they burn in Hell!".

    A Prince, whose Character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the Ruler of a free people.

    by faugh a ballagh on Thu Mar 24, 2005 at 10:47:23 AM PST

  •  Simply Brillant (none)
    I must go and read diaries by you that I have missed. I hope you write for a living. If you don't, you should!

    Let's send Bush to hell now. Iraq-here he comes.

  •  Well, somebody's gotta post it (4.00)
    before this spectacular diary works its way to the bottom, and I apologize on the front end for those who have seen it before:

    One day in the not so distant future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

    "I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

    I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

    In this room Bush saw Dick Cheney, who was running back and forth along a large wall from which there were several streams of water pouting out.  Dick kept sticking his finger in the holes, but every time he plugged one up, another would appear, and Dick was soaked from head to toe.  George said to the devil, "What's this all about?" and the devil said, " Oh yeah, well, Dick is having a tough time with the drains for the urinals here in Hell. He just can't seem to keep up."

    George thought this was just awful, and although he felt sorry for his old VP, he told the devil, "No way! Sorry, Dick!"

    The devil led him to the next room, and George immediately pulled back as the smell was awful. In it was Tony Blair, who was busy shoveling away at a huge pile of dirt in front of him.  Unfortunately, no matter how much he shoveled, the pile kept getting filled from above.  Tony was covered in the mud.  George looked up, and was horrified to realize that they were underneath a huge outhouse. He backed out of the room quickly, and told the devil "Absolutely not! I really appreciate that Tony did everything just like we told him, but no way am I taking his place!  

    The devil shrugged, and said  "OK, just one more room to go."

    The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, with a smile on his face, "Yea, I can live with this."

    The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

    •  I spewed my Cheerios (none)
      all over the keyboard for this one!  Thx...

      If a thousand men were not to pay their tax bills this year, that would not be a violent and bloody measure, as it would be to pay them, and enable the State...

      by HenryDavid on Sun Mar 27, 2005 at 03:58:52 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  *claps* (none)
    That was awesome.  Very funny.  Especially Santorum's punishment--the straight Broadway shows--perfect!  The best part, though, was this: We've even hopped on the outsourcing bandwagon.  You know all those America Online CDs you see everywhere?  We do that.  And those little cards that fall out when you open a magazine; that's us too.   We undercut everybody on price.  Believe me, we bring a new definition to the term sweatshop!

    Have you read Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett's Good Omens by any chance?  I think you would enjoy it.

    "Our struggle is not with some monarch named George who inherited the crown. Although it often seems that way."

    by erinya on Thu Mar 24, 2005 at 01:56:37 PM PST

  •  Most of it is good, but... (3.66)

        ...I can't say I like the end: it just plays
    into Bush's notion of himself that not only
    will he never be punished for what he's done,
    he'll be rewarded.

        My ending? This:

    JM:  I guess that leaves us with the man himself.  What sort of special Hell are you preparing for George W. Bush?

    Satan:  (Pauses for several seconds, eyes focussed somewhere off in the distance, a particularly devilish grin on his face.)  You know, that one would have kept me up nights,
    if the answer wasn't so obvious....

    JM: Oh?

    Satan: Yes. It's simple. Send him to Heaven.

    JM: What...!

    Satan: (still grinning) Oh, not THAT Heaven,
    of course. The Heaven he thinks he wants.
    Imagine someone like George W. Bush having to
    spend eternity actually BEING as moral as he
    claims he is. It'll drive him crazy. And having
    to worship someone, instead of the other way
    around? Delicious!

    JM: Jesus, you ARE e-

    Satan: (coldly) I think we're done here.


    •  Heaven might be suitable (none)
      No family connections... no staged townhall meetings... no media coverage... lots of riducule...

      But the bureaucrasy upstairs may object.

      •  No objection from upstairs (none)

            since it would be a phony Heaven which was actually part of Hell, like that old Twilight Zone
        with the gambler who dies and thinks he's gone to Heaven ("Hey, this is what you said you wanted....muhahahahahahaaaaaaa!"). :) And knowing
        he was spending eternity as a 'living' part of a cliche like that would chap his ass even more

               In the REAL Heaven you can drink and dance
        and listen to rock 'n' roll (even late-period Beatles(!))! Heavens! ( to speak.:}) Or as Dave Allen put it, "The bars would never close!
        And there'd be endless strippers...well, not
        ENDless...." ;)
               I mean, what better way to get people
        to give eternal glory to God? Whoo-hoo! ;)


          ( gives new meaning to the phrase
                "got a date with an angel..." ;))

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