A Fake News Broadcast
In an last-ditch effort to save the life of Terri Schiavo, living Republican slime-wave Tom Delay has brought Ultimate Fighting coach Randy Couture to Schiavo's bedside.
"My hope is this," said the abominable, roach-fucking Delay "that through a dedicated regime of boxing, weight training and a form of brazilian Jiu-jutsu developed in the evil heart of the Amazonian rainforest by vengeful nature spirits, we can enable Mrs. Schiavo to defend herself from her murderous husband, from the medical terrorists trying to assasinate her, and from the constant stream of homosexuals trying to turn her gay."
Spotting a female nurse changing Mrs. Schiavo's bedpan, the odious troll then screamed "I SEE YOU, YOU PUSSY-HUNGRY SODOMITE!".
Caught for comment en route to Afghanistan, the First Lady turned her soulless, pallid eyes towards the screen and dissembled having a soul.
"This is an extremely complex case," Mouthed the meaty poppet, "and demands that we err on the side of live. I for one am confident that within two weeks, Terri will be tearing the scrotums of her so-called doctors, and eating them for nourishment."
She then giggled in a high-pitched voice, reached over, and slowly squeezed the eyeball of Secret Service Agent James Finn Reynolds until it popped with a gush of yellowish fluid.
Coach Randy Couture is confident in his abilities.
"I've been consulting exclusively with television psychic John Edwards. And he assures me that though Mrs. Schiavo has no brain activity whatsoever, her consciousness is fully present, and prepared to work the heavy bag in preparation for a final showdown with Michael Schiavo."
He spat.
"I've seen Mr. Schiavo fight. He's all flash. When he throws a left, he leans way too far forward and loops his hand out from his body. He's off-balance and cocky, and then our little firecracker here will tear him a new feeding tube hole. Isn't that right Terri?"
Said Schiavo: "Nnnnggggnnnnn".
The results of the training will be filmed, and aired simultaneously on Fox News, and Spike TV as "Terri Schiavo's Courageous Story of Godly Courage and Not Turning Gay".