[Washes hands obsessively for an uncomfortable period of time]
Back in December, Markos gave me two secret boxes marked `A' and `B.' I chose B. As it turns out, box `A' was a million dollars in cash. Box `B' was permission to post Cheers and Jeers on the front page. I really wanted the cash.
So we flipped a coin. Then we played "Rock, Paper, Scissors" and "Rock, Paper, Scissors, Dynamite." We even resorted to: "Rock, Paper, Scissors, Dynamite, Star Wars Missile Defense Shield, Exploding Donkey Cart." To no avail. It always came up `B.'
So yesterday Markos gave me the keys to Daily Kos, the Millennium Falcon of blogs. And aren't you thrilled.
Look. If you don't "get" the popularity of Cheers and Jeers, take a number. I don't either. All I know is, if I don't laugh at the world I might as well pull my Bacardi feeding tube and go bye bye. I'm not quite ready for that yet.
So here we go. Cheers and Jeers starts on the front porch... [Swoosh!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!]
NOTE: Past performance does not guarantee future results. We've lost a lot of people a lot of money, let me tell you. In fact, we recommend you find another broker...one with a license that isn't working out of his car. But...the free discount coupons to Hooters are totally legit.
By the Numbers:
Days `til taxes are due: 10
Days `til Mothers Day: 33
Average expected tax refund this year: $2,259
(Source: IRS projection via The Week magazine)
North Carolina 75 Illinois 70
Amount spent last year on personalized ring tones and other cell phone accessories: $1.2 Billion
(Source: Time magazine)
Grams of fat in the new Burger King Enormous Omelet sandwich: 47
Number of calories in the damn thing: 730
Percent chance that it will be a huge seller in America: 92%
Your Puppy Pic of the Day "We met in Düsseldorf on the Konigs Allee. She had me at 'Schniffen sie zis, mein Schatzee'."
CHEERS to rays of sunshine. Then: Tom Delay is unstoppable and will crush us all. Now: Tom Delay is quite stoppable and will get crushed by us all. Pay attention kids---this is a great way to view the natural survival instincts of the cockroach. (Careful, though. He will bite).
JEERS to the Crasher-in-Chief. George W. Bush says he will attend the funerals of the Popes on Friday. Which means the entire Catholic hierarchy will have to get tickets in advance and sign a loyalty oath. And don't get wise with your T-shirts and bumper stickers, Monsignors, or you'll end up in the parking lot.
JEERS to the coming whitewash. Certain provisions of the Patriot Act are set to expire in December, and Congress is reviewing them this week. By "reviewing," we mean using them as coasters for their martinis. So keep ratting on your neighbors, kids---it's the American way.
CHEERS to the perfect length. Tony Blair has asked the Queen for permission to dissolve Parliament, paving the way for new elections. Instead of our never-ending campaign cycle, the Brits will go to the polls exactly one month from today. Those poor blokes at "Thames Barge Veterans for Truth" won't have time to get their smear campaign out of the starting gate.
JEERS to domestic terrorism. Senator John "Dick" Cornyn---another unstable isotope from Texas--- says violence against judges is perrrfectly understandable. Kudos to lefty blogs for uniformly piling on this nutcase (and I suspect the judges thank ya, too). Now...will the mainstream media sleep through yet another GOP outrage? Only if the world is round.
CHEERS to reclaiming your soul. As a Marine recruiter, James Massey says "I lied, I cheated, I begged, I borrowed and I stole. I did anything to find my quota, to get bodies in the Marine Corps." Now, as an anti-war activist, Massey says he's getting his soul back by speaking up. With the way things are going, he'll have a lot more company on the lecture circuit. Soon.
CHEERS to big mojo for the little guy. The Pulitzer Prizes were announced yesterday. The (yawn) Wall Street Journal and Los Angeles Times won two each. But we're most impressed by the recognition of Nigel Jaquiss at the alternative paper Willamette Week in Portland, Oregon, for reporting on the sexual misdeeds of a former governor. C&J got recognition, too---our restraining order was renewed for another 6 months. Aww...we blush.
CHEERS to home entertainment with a kick. Out on DVD today: the hard-hitting and critically-praised documentary 'The Corporation', and the Oscar-winning wine epic `Sideways' (the commentary by stars Paul Giamatti and Thomas Hayden Church is reported to be funnier than the movie itself). Small suggestion for optimal enjoyment: Clean your screen...it's filthy.
JEERS to grandpas on the left. Don't ya hate slowpokes who get in the passing lane and stay there? Well, in Colorado they're mad as hell and they're clamping down with a new No-Dawdle law. Memo to the Democrats in Washington: Hammer this into a bill that applies to all our nation's highways and you'll score major points...even in the red states. But do it now before the GOP gets wise and passes ya on the right.
CHEERS to the freedom on the march. Sunni days are here again as the Iraqi parliament "overwhelmingly" chooses Hajem al-Hassani as their speaker. Tomorrow they'll pick a president, two vice presidents and a prime minister. But if the insurgents get their way, they'll have to do it all again next week.
CHEERS to tyranny by the numbers. Morbo at the Carpetbagger Report (via Bob's Newswire) shows how anyone---yes, even you---can run the country like George W. Bush in 10 Easy Steps. But you should know that two crucial "pre-step" steps are missing. 1) Scramble the curiosity lobe in your brain, and 2) Sell your soul. Now go on, li'l nipper, and make us proud.
CHEERS to Great Moments in Medicine. On April 5, 1933, the first operation to remove a lung was performed at Barnes Hospital in St. Louis, MO. Unfortunately the guy was just there to visit his grandmother, but the point is: Progress!
C&J Flashback: April 5, 2004...
CHEERS to free speech. Kos finds himself in hot water over comments about mercenary (excuse me..."contractor") deaths in Iraq. C&J is neutral about whether he's right or not. But this much we know: his argument was thoughtfully explained, heartfelt, and fueled by horrifying personal experience: Click here to see the fireworks. Shall we hang him now...or wait for our Ron Popeil Showtime Human Rotisserie to arrive?
And just one more...
CHEERS to the mojo wars. We understand some folks believe C&J'ers toss around 4's with reckless abandon. Well, when you can trade `em in for stuff like this, can you blame us? Seriously, we'll tone it down...as soon as we take delivery of our yacht.
C&J sends Meteor Blades and his family our heartfelt wishes for speedy recoveries and happy days ahead. Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?