From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
(An oldie but a goodie) You know you're a Republican when...
...Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
...trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
...A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
...Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
...the best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
...providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
...global warming is junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
...being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
It's June and I'm still a reality-based Democrat, thank you. Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, June 1, 2005...
Note: For the last time, please put the cap back on the toothpaste!
By the Numbers:
Days `til Father's Day: 17
Days `til summer: 20
Days `til summer in Maine: 34
Days `til `Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince': 45
Number of Democratic House and Senate members who drive fuel-efficient hybrids: 8
Number of Republican House and Senate members who drive hybrids: 6
(Source: U.S. News & World Report)
Number of letters in "Bush just lies like a rug": 20
Your Puppy Pic of the Day "Okay, we've been sitting here for three days. I think somebody has to get out and push this thing."
CHEERS to June! Dad and the flag get their day, gay pride breaks out across the country, and rumor has it summer starts in states south and west of Maine. Please write us letters and tell us what it's like. Maybe with a pressed flower or two??
CHEERS to stealing Bush's thunder. Preznit Tinkerbell's Big Watered Down Press Conference was overshadowed by revelation of the true identity of `Deep Throat,' the secret source that helped bring down Nixon. Ooh, that's gotta hurt. Oh, by the way, just as I thought, it was Jerry Lee Lewis all along.
P.S. Help me out here. Which party did Nixon belong to when he brought such disgrace and dishonor to the presidency that he was forced from office? Repepsican? Repubichair? Red Pelican? Gosh, it's on the tip of my tongue. Rubikscube?
JEERS to the lamest statement of the year. Bush at his news conference: I think the Iraqi people dealt the insurgents a serious blow when they had the elections [in January]." That's right, kids...the bad guys have been blowing themselves up for the last five months because of low self-esteem. Paging Dr. Phil...
JEERS to rigged elections. On this date in 1869, Thomas Edison received a patent for his mechanical voting machine. He lost money because no one wanted to use it. If only that were the case with Diebold's machines.
CHEERS to overriding Mitt the Twit. In Massachusetts, the Legislature overrode a Governor Romney veto, paving the way for the state to become a leader in stem cell research. Their first major project oughtta be isolating and replacing the Big Fat GOP Habitual Liar Gene.
JEERS to retirements up in smoke. A GAO report due out today says unscrupulous corporations (I know...that may be redundant) can cook their books to make their pension plans look healthier than they really are. Translation: the pension crisis is just beginning, folks, so horde your pennies.
CHEERS to news junkies. 25 years ago today---in 1980---CNN started our information addiction by broadcasting round-the-clock news. On our wish list: A Bernard Shaw, Mary Alice Williams and Lou Waters reunion week.
JEERS to little oopsies. The Supreme Court ruled yesterday that the Justice Department acted like a schoolyard bully when it sought to convict accounting firm Arthur Anderson for shredding everything Enron-related they could get their hands on (some employees are still missing). The reason: instructions to the jury were flawed. They were given in plain English.
JEERS to crafty boycotts. The conservative Christian American Family Association is calling for a boycott of Ford because the carmaker supports gay and lesbian causes. Which means, in order to help blunt the effect of the AFA's action, we should all buy a Ford. On second thought...how `bout we write letters first.
CHEERS to Oliver Wendell Douglas. We forgot to mention this yesterday: Eddie "Green Acres" Albert died last Thursday at 99. As a character actor, he was as dependable as they come, and quite the environmentalist, too. Hopefully his good works will persuade God to grant a restraining order against Mr. Haney.
CHEERS to the legal separation of drums and guitars. 43 years ago today, FM stereo was enjoyed for the first time by radio listeners in Schenectady, Los Angeles and Chicago. It's nice, but we'll take the snap-crackle-pop of AM any day.
C&J Flashback: June 1, 2004...
JEERS to cheesy souvenirs. Now we learn that George Bush keeps Saddam's pistol (the one he had with him when he was caught in that spider hole) in his office. Fueling rumors that his facial scabs weren't caused by his bike fall, after all.
CHEERS to Devon Largio. University of Illinois graduate's honors thesis explores reasons Bush went to war with Iraq, and finds 23 of `em. Wow, did Dubya really say "my dog ate my exit strategy?"
And just one more...
JEERS to weapons of mass potassium. Oh my god...the insurgents have switched tactics again !! Wait'll you see the damage they can do with mashed...
Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"We're all grown men and women and we're behaving like we're in Cheers and Jeers."
Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC)
5/22/05
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