You've read about the 10 Books That Send Conservatives Into Fits, right? In an exclusive scoop, C&J has uncovered a handful of others that are so scandalous the Bawk-Bawk-Bawk Brigade couldn't even print their names...
Goodnight Moon. Because the bunny is wearing blue pajamas and we all know what that means.
Webster's Dictionary---Because it has all "those words" in it.
Roget's Thesaurus---Because it helps you find even more ways to say "those words."
The Pet Goat. Because even the hardiest freepers cringe when they think about Bush and those seven minutes on 9/11. Ticktockticktock...
Yertle the Turtle. Rick Santorum can't read it without fainting. It's just all male turtle on turtle on turtle...wriggling and writhing and wet. What's next...a "Pride" parade??
Richard Scarry's Best Counting Book Ever. Because math leads to science. Science leads to heathen claptrap like "evolution" and "global warming" and "stem-cell research."
Alice in Wonderland. Written by a pothead for potheads seeking to legitimize the reefer.
Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun. Actually...they can live with that one.
Cheers and Jeers reads the riot act in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Note: There is a large yellow ball in the sky this morning. It is warm, yet stings the eyes. Developing...
By the Numbers:
Days `til Father's Day: 17
Days `til `Charlie and the Chocolate Factory': 43
Number of dry days in Maine during May: 7
The last year we had over 14 dry days in May: 2001
Ounces of gold still contained in Fort Knox Bullion Depository: 147.3 million
Current value of the gold: $60 billion
(Source: U.S. Mint via Newsweek)
Value of gold foil-wrapped chocolate medallions in the C&J household: $1.95 plus tax
Your Puppy Pic of the Day "Quiet, please. I'm tanning.
CHEERS to Rep. John Conyers. For pointing out the retroactive lessons of Watergate: "Back then we had an aggressive press corps. Back then we had men of courage. Back then we had a Justice Department that was willing to take an investigation wherever it would lead. Back than we had a Congress that was willing to hold real hearings and conduct real oversight of official misconduct." That's right---things are so bad now that we remember Watergate era as the good old days.
JEERS to addictive mergers. 20 years ago today, The R.J. Reynolds Company proposed a major merger with Nabisco that would create a $4.9 billion conglomerate of food distribution and other products, including tobacco. Which explains this uncontrollable urge I have to eat a Fig Newton every ten minutes.
JEERS to the clumsiest dodge of the year. The military is missing its recruiting goals left and right, so what do they do? They delay posting their recruiting data by a week. Smooth move...nobody will notice that!
CHEERS or JEERS to the Rumble in the Lowlands. Yesterday the Dutch rejected the European Union Constitution. Hey, YOU try reading 40,000 single-spaced words stoned.
CHEERS to everyday low-priced exposés. Hooray! Robert Greenwald is making a new documentary. His latest will shine sunlight on the rotting underbelly of Wal Mart. This is total conjecture on my part, but I believe Wally World's legal counsel has gotten wind of it. Oh, this'll be fun.
JEERS to excuses revisited. John at AmericaBlog posted this yesterday. The ending is hokey, but hearing Bush and his flunkies justify the Iraq invasion with bogus claims keeps their high crimes fresh in our mind. Besides, it's excellent for seething practice.
CHEERS to happier days. 13 years ago today, President Clinton clinched the Democratic nomination for president. Like last November, it was a Bush's election to lose. Damn you, History That Doesn't Repeat Itself!
CHEERS to the spinning of the green. In today's must-read, Bill O'Reilly goes mano y mano with Yoda in the No-Spin Zone. After that ordeal, I think the Green One would prefer Sidious's lightning bolts.
CHEERS to loooooongevity. A British couple just marked their 80th wedding anniversary---making theirs the longest marriage on record. As you can see, they have perfect chemistry: she talks, and he fakes being asleep. Many blessings on your camels, kids---that's an amazing feat.
C&J Flashback: June 2, 2004...
CHEERS to the Marquis de Dean. In his first syndicated column, Vermont's saucy, sexy beast tackles touch-screen voting machines. Great...more competition for my Pulitzer.
CHEERS to a woman's right to choose. A federal judge rules that banning late-term abortions---performed almost exclusively to protect the mother's life or health---are unconstitutional. Bush will cry "Activist Judge!" The rest of us will cry "Common Sense!"
And just one more...
CHEERS to Calvin Trillin. The Nation magazine's "Deadline Poet" never ceases to amuse us. His latest:
BOLTON CHASES FRENCH AMBASSADOR UP A TREE
(Another Headline in the Future of John Bolton as American Ambassador to the United Nations)
The Frenchman voted wrong, in Bolton's mind---
Against a war. He doubted we would find
These weapons just where Bolton said they were,
Despite the fact that Bolton seemed so sure.
As Bolton shouted that the French were yellow,
His face took on the shade of cherry Jell-O.
The Frenchman thought it prudent then to flee,
And that's when Bolton chased him up a tree.
"How dare you!" Bolton shouted from below,
As with his shoe he struck the trunk a blow.
The French Ambassador was plainly scared.
He kept repeating "Zut, alors!" and "Merde!"
The White House, backing Bolton, said that he'll
Continue putting forth the case with zeal.
Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
Anakin: You're so beautiful.
Padme: That's only because I'm in Cheers and Jeers.
Anakin: No, it's because I'm in Cheers and Jeers with you.
'Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith'
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