Subtitle: To Kill a Mockingbird (apologies to Harper Lee)
Okay, here's the problem. I don't hate cats. I don't hate anything except people who want to enslave me (which, alas, includes most Republicans).
But I have a serious cat problem and I'm ready to resort to violence. Killing animals is immoral, IMO, but I need to impress three cats strongly enough so they will stay the heck out of my yard and, as a last resort, murdering them will accomplish my goal.
So I'm asking for help. Suggestions, that is. Alternatives. Or three cats will suffer.
When I was six years old, my dad gave me a small Daisy lever action BB gun. First thing out of the box he shot me with it in the back of the leg -- to teach me how much it hurt in case I ever got the idea to shoot one of my four brothers.
That was 1957. We lived at the edge of the woods in rural Florida. Learning to make our way in the woods was a family heritage thing. My forebears came to Florida in 1835 to murder Seminole Indians (the ancestors of Meteor Blades) and steal their land. They didn't think of it in those terms, of course. They thought of themselves as dutiful patriots defending America against murdering terrorists. But their mission, directed by their democratically elected government leaders (Republicans all, I am sure) was murder and theft.
I'm pretty sure my ancestors were unsuccessful, but that's probably just wishful thinking on my part. They certainly enlisted in a murderous enterprise, fuck whatever rationale they used to assuage their conscience. History books may forgive them, Meteor Blades may even forgive them (he seems to have a giant heart and a discerning intellect) but I don't. They were wrong, and I know they knew they were wrong. They were human beings, after all, and human beings have a conscience.
Okay, sorry. This is about cats and BB guns. With detail I still remember vividly today, my dad explained what would happen if I accidentally shot someone in the eye. Each of my brothers endured the same rite of passage. Each of us in turn became excellent and strictly responsible markspersons. My dad gradually upgraded our firepower to pump action BB guns, hunting bows, .410 shotguns, then .22s at ages 9, 11, 12, and 16 respectively (in between we got knives, fishing gear, hunting boots and back packs).
Out in the woods, we shot birds. My third, whose heart stopped beating as I held it in my hand, was my last. I clearly remember all three birds I killed -- a bluejay, a grackle and a finch -- and have felt ashamed for killing them all my life.
When I was 13, I shot two squirrels and ate both of them. I don't feel guilty about that, but I found killing distasteful and except for a three-week career as a rattlesnake hunter later that summer, I've never since attempted anything more fatal than photography and, occasionally and ineptly, fishing, shrimping, crabbing and vegetable gardening.
I accompanied my dad on his last hunting trip, two months before he died of heart disease. He killed two squirrels, which we cooked and ate, and I am so grateful to those squirrels for the pleasure they provided him that I look on them as brothers and hope to return the favor to them in a future life.
Okay, sorry, the cat thing. Today, I'm living in my old family home. My mother passed away courageously and beautifully last spring surrounded by family. My very young wife and I took over the family homestead, a 50-year old ranch-style house in need of substantial remodeling and repair. When the house is capable of providing as much for the next family as it did for ours -- it will take us about three years of hard work -- my brothers and I will sell it, so at the moment I'm the local Home Depot's favorite customer.
My wife and I are making a baby as I speak, so I may be the buyer. That's to be determined.
Needless to say, my old neighborhood has changed. Our "woods" -- about 50,000 acres that ran undisturbed all the way down to what is now Walt Disney World (where I hunted rattlesnakes) -- is now suburbs, attractions and shopping centers.
Enough remnant pines and oaks and many lakes with littoral vegetation are adequate so that wildlife here is way more abundant than when I was a kid, believe it or not. An armadillo, a gopher tortoise and a stunningly beautiful four-foot black snake all live in my back yard, a couple raccoons in the trees next door, and almost every day we see ducks, herons, eagles and hawks flying close overhead.
Wild animals are beautiful creatures. They express their beauty in ways few human beings will ever attain. It is beauty without ego or vanity, without artifice, without any sense of irony or guile. Unlike Republicans, wild animals lack the capacity for hypocrisy. Almost every wild animal lives to the fullest of its potential every minute of its life. Pigeons may be the exception to that rule, but their "wildness" is questionable.
I keep a bird feeder stocked in my back yard. Every day, a dozen or more species feed there, redwing blackbirds, catbirds, cardinals, finches, you name it. A pair of red-cockaded woodpeckers recently took up residence in the gum tree from which the feeder hangs.
Here's is where the cats come in. These are healthy, well-fed, collared-and-tagged cats. Their owners (can you really "own" a cat?) are my neighbors.
There are three of them, a calico, a gray and a black. And they think my yard is the local McDonald's.
So far, they have killed two mourning doves (which feed on the ground, alas), a beautiful male (bright red) cardinal and a mockingbird. Mockingbirds are plentiful in Florida, but the cardinal was half of a pair that, having learned I am the keeper of the birdseed, pecked at my window every morning around 5 a.m. and then again almost every evening if the feeder's empty.
I'm ready to kill all three cats. The yard is fenced. On advice of a cat-loving friend, I bought $15 worth of cayenne pepper and spread it around all the visible cat entry points (it's an old, weathered fence). No help. On advice of another cat-loving friend I did the same thing with black pepper. So far, all I've accomplished is to thoroughly season the lawn.
On my own, I bought a super-soaker squirt gun, which I keep loaded next to my desk (I work at home, so I'm always "on guard.") I've blasted at all three cats, but they are quicker than the squirt gun in the first place and, now experienced, only mildly annoyed by it.
So I'm thinking Daisy lever-action BB gun. One of my more sedentary brothers still has my old one in a closet, and it probably works. I'm a good enough shot to hit them in the flank where it might hurt but won't harm. On the other hand, I'm a little disturbed at the idea my neighbors will get if they see me shooting at cats with a BB gun. And I'm pretty sure that counts as animal cruelty.
Today I found the feathered remains of my cardinal friend. So tomorrow I'm headed over to my brother's house to get the old BB gun. If that doesn't work, I can buy a pellet gun that will probably settle the issue permanently, though I am sure I'll feel guilty and one of the cats' owners has kids, so I don't want to deprive them of their pet.
As we Americans spend more money on cat food every year than we'll ever spend rebuilding Iraq or stopping the genocide in Darfur, the murder of a couple of neighborhood cats doesn't seem all that evil to me. And as I am a frequently-failing vegetarian, I'm sure I'll burn in hell or come back as a worm or something anyway.
Lastly, given the disproportionate number of cat-worshipers at dKos, I'm already feeling remorse for even thinking about feline murder. On the other hand (sorry, I'm a Libra), due to the abundance of pie diaries here, my sense of obligation to and respect for the dKos community is diminishing (only slightly -- while I sincerely respect both sides of the pie issue, I find the issue itself outrageously facile, however, we're a dynamic enough community to accommodate facile discussions).
So, cat-lovers, my plea is a humble one. Got any effective, humane, cat-repelling ideas? Help me out.
And thanks for reading this far, sorry it was so long, hope it was amusing. Having written it, my sense of obligation to and respect for the dKos community is resurging, yeah, I can feel the rush already.