As a man I can never completely know what it is like to be pregnant or give birth. As a man I can only watch a woman's stomach grow until I watch her give birth to a new life. As a man I can be a father, nurturing and protecting a child, but I will never know what it is like to actually bring another human being into this world.
And as a man I can only know what it is like to sit in the waiting room of an abortion clinic.
Having done just that I can say that sitting there, waiting, wondering if she is all right, is a living hell. What is a guy to do? Thumbing through the magazines, trying not to make eye contact with those around you, thinking about how this happened, why it happened, and trying to find the strength to help her through this.
What is going on behind those doors? No, I don't mean the procedure itself, but what she is feeling, how is this affecting her. Is she ok? Will she ever speak to me again? Why us, why now?
I have not written about abortion before because it still stings deep inside. I still remember the image of my wife lying there in the recovery room crying, surrounded by women crying alone. No other man came into the room that day, at least not while we were there. I remember thinking, "Who are these women, and why are they all alone right now?"
What else could I do? What else could I have done to prevent this? Why is it she has to go through this alone? Men don't carry the stigma of having an abortion; I don't see statistics on how many men have sat there in that waiting room feeling like I did, a failure.
You see, no matter how much men try to pretend otherwise, the vast majority of the time we are the ones who worked so hard to get them in bed. We are the ones who think of nothing else but sex, and it is our biology that impregnates theirs.
I remember the day she told me she was pregnant. No, when we were pregnant, because it takes two people to make life. Unfortunately most men seem to forget that. I can still remember how I felt, thinking about all my friends that had been right where I was at that moment.
How many of them stayed by their woman? How many said "so what" and walked away?
We men seem to forget a lot of things when we get horny. Rarely does pregnancy come into mind, unless it's how to prevent one, and even that isn't as important as it should be at that moment. No, we are more concerned with how it will feel to have an orgasm. The creation of life part rarely is given any real concern.
But for a woman, every single time could be that time.
Why don't men think about this more? Because we are not the ones held responsible in the end. It is too easy for men to simply walk away. After all, she was just a warm body, a receptacle, and any woman would have done.
The sad reality is that this is a women's issue because men refuse to step up and take responsibility for their actions. She didn't get pregnant on her own, and she shouldn't have to deal with the ramifications alone.
Do I think abortion should be legal? Yes, but only because it has to be. There is no other way around the subject. Women cannot walk away from being pregnant, and someone has to raise the child or decide not to have it at all.
There are other parts of this conversation that I think most people are uncomfortable talking about that I want to mention here.
First of all, since it does take two people to get a woman pregnant, does the man have any say in what happens? What if the pregnancy is an accident, but the man wants to keep the child if the woman doesn't? Sure she has to carry the child to term, but does the father have any rights? After all, it is his child as well.
Secondly, why is it that the religiously inclined seem so intent on protecting the fetus, but could care less about the child once it is born? And why don't I see them protesting against fertility clinics and erection drugs? I mean if they are all about God's will, aren't these things ways of playing God too?
Also, how did we reach this point at all? Birth is the only way into this world. There is no other way to get here. Why don't we celebrate it more? Is it because there are too many people around and now we take it for granted? Seriously, I don't get it. We as humans have to have babies in order to keep going as a species, yet the whole discussion seems twisted. Many women see having a child as an impediment to having a career. How fucked up are we that a woman has to choose between work and children? What, only men can work and only women can stay home?
Why aren't we celebrating birth, working harder to prevent unwanted pregnancies and helping those with children who need help? I blame male dominated father figure cult worship for a big part of that, but I think there is more to it.
The fact that we even need to talk about these things shows me that we humans are still very much in the dark about our humanity. Women should not have to "fear" getting pregnant. This is a fucking travesty, and until we change our whole image of pregnancy, life and societal roles, we will never find answers to all the questions I have put here.
All that aside, there is also the feelings that come after an abortion. I didn't want a child at the time anymore than she did, but now, in my thirties and clipped, I do. Did I miss the chance to have a child? Will I regret that decision later in life? I kind of do now sometimes. But what's done is done. Once it's over there is no turning back. And the feelings I have will never change that. We did what we felt was the best thing to do given the circumstances. I feel blessed in that I was strong for her and there when she needed me most, but I still feel like I failed her, myself, and our unborn child.
update after reading through all the comments:
Let me begin by saying that I am deeply humbled by the amount of comments this post has generated.
I went to sleep last night thinking about stormcoming’s post and woke up with this. I honestly figured it would slide off into recent diary oblivion with a couple of comments and maybe the infamous flame war that is too common here.
I am not sure how to respond to all of you. First, thank you to all of you who found this a place to share your thoughts, feelings and experiences.
As to all of my offended brothers out there I am sorry to have painted us with such a broad brush. But in the end I give us little love, because from my own experiences the good guys are the minority. Let me say that again, from my own experiences.
This post was not a cry for sympathy. I don’t think I have read any posts like this, and I felt maybe I should share what I went through. Does that emasculate me? I think not. It empowers me; it helps me heal.
This is a conversation women and men need to have, especially those in relationships. I went camping with friends while she was at home taking a pregnancy test. It was on that trip that I knew it was time to tell her how I felt. I got home and she came over. We both had something really important to say. I was so excited she let me go first. I told her I loved her. I still see the tears in her eyes from what I thought was joy, but were a mix of joy, fear and sadness. Then she said, “I love you too, I’m pregnant.” What it must have been like for her, wondering for that moment what kind of man I would turn out to be, if I would stay or go. How could she know? We had been careful, used birth control, but in the end what mattered was that we had to make a decision. I am glad that what I was so in a hurry to tell her and wouldn’t let her speak was that I loved her and not something lame. I think I said something stupid like “Ok” and then took a really long drag off my cigarette. We sat for a minute, and then we started talking. In the end we decided on an abortion, actually, she mentioned it and I remember feeling kind of relieved she brought it up first. She asked if I still loved her and I said yes. That was the moment of commitment for me. We were going to do this together. And we did.
I understand that this is an emotional issue for many people to discuss. But it is as much a part of reality as war and taxes. We shouldn’t have so many wars or pay so much taxes either, but at least we talk about those issues in public.