The recent absence of a local humor columnist has provoked varying reactions in the Kososphere.
Bill in Portland Maine, "18 with 23 years experience," a Koufax Award-winning poster and eccentric alcoholic, has reportedly been on vacation since Friday afternoon, when his beloved "Cheers and Jeers" thread wound down.
Wankers, spankers and pervs admitted to being "very concerned" Monday morning. "He says he's taking a break, but do we really know that?" asks jDog23. "He could be looking at lighthouses, he could be lathering up Karl Rove. We just don't know." Meanwhile, snark levels are falling dangerously low, added Mr. Dog, well-known for his gratuitous cheese and beefcake shots and "mental iPod" postings.
Lusty Wenches are also upset with Portland Maine's absence. "I agree," said Cosmic Debrie, in a simultaneous interview. "I licked a toad, and now I'm totally fucked up." Mr. Dog then abruptly ended the interview, citing "security concerns" from recent pea-flicking incidents.
Eddie Haskell, leader of the local Snark-Shuckers Union, did not appear to be as concerned. "Bill's here, he's not here. It's immaterial," he said of the man he refers to as "The Boss."
"Our campaign to Bring Back Bill's First Official Comment continues unabated," said Haskell. "We will be triumphant, regardless of where 'the Man' is farting these days."
Some groups were downright pleased with Portland Maine's sudden departure. In a statement released late Sunday night from his secure undisclosed location, currently believed to be a crate in the Cavernous Casa Pastor living room, G. Watson Beagle of the American Family Pet Council, an anti-feline rights organization welcomed a snark shortage because of "increased productivity, decreased kibbutzing, and stressful office environments for people and plants alike."
It is widely believed that the AFPC desires increased pressure in the workplace in the hopes that it will lead to increased attachment to the organization insists is the "traditional moral value of feeding and petting man's best friend, the dog."
Mr. Watson Monday seemed to confirm this when he was contacted for further comment.
"All your tummy rubs is belong to me!" he barked, before demanding more kibble and "a place to make outs."
--Information on the whereabouts of Bill in Portland Maine can be forwarded to Pastoral Forces-American Radical Theater in the comment thread below. Citizens should not approach or try to apprehend Portland Maine themselves. Authorities consider him fabulous and snarky.