NEW YORK, NY, August 13, 2005
Rafael Palmeiro and News Corporation have signed a three year contract, it was announced today by News Corporation Chairman President and Chief Operating Officer Peter Chernin.
Under the terms fo the contract, Palmeiro will serve as an "embedd" in Major League Baseball and an expert on the Cuban exile community. Palmeiro will also continue to serve as a health advisor to nearly dead News Corporation Chariman, Rupert Murdoch.
Mr Murdoch, deep in his underground lair surrounded by sycophants, White House officials and strange mole-like mutants, said, "Rafael's steadfastness in his testimony before Congress and his ability to shift his story after he was caught make him an ideal News Corp staff member. We look forward to Rafael's help extending SPECTRE's err...I mean Fox's reach internationally, especially with the patently insane extremely right wing Cuban exile community in Miami."
Palmeiro will join Oliver North, convicted of lieing to Congress, in the new "Truth Division". Said Mr Murdoch, as he stroked his fluffy white cat, "Who knows better about truth than convicted liars?". Also in the Truth Division will be frequent guest Ed Meese, who lied to Congress, and inveterate liars, Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly.
"With Rafalel's addition we can now start manufacturing sports news as well as hard news making us a one stop station for the gullible." said Karl Rove through the mouth of Roger Ailes, as he devoured a live puppy. Palmeiro is believed to be working on a story blaming Hillary Clinton for the Yankees pitching problems and has added 200 home runs to his career totals in his bio.
Fox News Channel is a 24-hour general news service devoted to delivering fair and balanced coverage of the day's news events, whether they happened or not. Reaching more than 85 million homes, many with books, the network offers 18 hours of live programming weekdays, covering breaking news around the globe especially if it is about a missing white woman, as well as political, business and entertainment news, which we blur until you can't tell which is which. FNC is the most watched cable news channel in America and is home to a number of well-respected journalists including Brit Hume, Chris Wallace and Shepard Smith. The network's signature opinion programs, The O'Reilly Factor and Hannity & Colmes, are the two highest rated shows in cable news, unless you actually look at data.