Moments ago, President George W. Bush held a press conference to dicuss what his aides termed a "startling new astronomical phenomena" that they are calling "Sunrise."
THE PRESIDENT: "I have come before the American people today to assure them that no one could have anticipated this new puh-hen-won . . ., er, femo . . ., er, thing - this "breaking" or "rising" over the horizon very early this morning of "the Sun." I also want to assure the American people that, as soon as I was made aware of the situation, I assigned a crack team of scientists that I picked myself, by hand, with the kind assistance of Vice President Cheney's contacts at Halliburton, to investigate this event and to report back to me as soon as possible.
These scientists' prenim . . ., er, perlinim . . ., er, first report to me - in their first report, they've assured me that this is not a specially unusual event and that this sudden appearance of "the Sun", which is what they're calling it - which is really a star, which is kinda like this huge planet, only on fire - this appearance will end very soon, in a matter of hours, in fact. Meanwhile, they have concluded that this "Sun" may very well be the single most important source of Global Warming, and that there's nothing we can do about it other than allow nature to take its course. Also, they have assured me that, contrary to popular rumors, this "Sun", even though it's very bright and very hot, will never be able to provide a reliable source for America's energy needs since it shines only imter . . ., er, itermnit . . ., er, every once in awhile. I'll take your questions now."
"Yes, Terry?"
TERRY MORAN (ABC News): "So, Mr. President, you're really saying that the appearance of the Sun this morning could not have been anticipated. Is that similar to your recent statment that the collapse of the levee in New Orleans following the strike of a major hurricane could not have been anticipated?"
THE PRESIDENT: "Great question, Terry. Yes, they're exactly the same, identical situations."
TERRY MORAN: "To follow up, then, do your scientists have any idea whether or not this PHEN-OM-EN-A, the Sun coming up, is likely to be repeated, say, tomorrow morning, for instance?"
THE PRESIDENT: "Well, that may be a possibility, but as far as I know, no one can say for sure. I, personally, surely don't know. But the American pulic should rest assured that I will be meeting later today with my head researcher and representatives of the Office of Special Plans. If they have any information regarding that, I'm sure we'll be announcing it as soon as it's been verified one way or the other."
TERRY MORAN: "Office of Special Plans? Mr. President, since the OSP is an intelligence organization, are you implying that there's some thought at the Pentagon that this might have been a terrorist act? Are you serious?!"
THE PRESIDENT: "Careful, Terry! You're startin' to hog the stage here (chuckles). But, yes, this is serious, and I can't really comment on that point at this juncture. As you know, it's my job, it's my "mission", to do everything in my power to protect the American people. And it's hard work. When something unexpected like this happens, even those things that may seem to the unexperienced eye like a natural fren . . ., er, event, it only makes sense that we must look into all the possibilities to make sure that something like 9/11 never happens again."
TERRY MORAN: "Can we take it, then, that your Administration is also, incredible as it may seem, looking into the possibility that Hurricane Katrina was a terrorist act?"
THE PRESIDENT: (sighs) "As I just said, Terry, it is vital to the continued safety of American citizens and, more importantly, to our noble efforts to secure freedom and democracy for the Iraqi people, that we in government leave no stone unturned. What you have to understand is that these terrorists will stop at nothing to harm the American people and to destroy our way of life."
"Okay. That's all the time I have for questions right now. But I do want to assure the American people that, even in this time of crisis, my administration continues to actively do the People's Business. We continue to pursue the goals that they have mandated us - Social Security Reform, Tax Reform and filling court vacancies. Thank you all and God Bless America."
QUESTION FROM THE PRESS CORPS [unidentified]: "But what about gasoline prices? Mr. Prsident??"
The President grins and waves as he turns his back on the people and exits.
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