Dear Mr. Bush.
As of today, I am sure that you have noticed that things are not going so well for you or for the country. You are a terribly unpopular President. Your approval ratings are abysmal. Right-wing pundits are excoriating your performance in the recent Katrina disaster relief efforts. Forget about political capital--you are in serious danger of losing any remaining political legitimacy you might have left.
These are times for desperate measures. And I have just the solution--The Costanza Gambit.
Do you remember that one episode of
Seinfeld?
"The Opposite"? You know, the one where George Costanza changes his life by doing the opposite of what he wants to do?
Why does he do this? Well, in his words:
George : Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but ... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong.
Sound familiar?
Well, that George was able to turn his failure of a life into a success (for a single episode, that is--but, hey, you're a lame duck anyway). All he needed to do was stop before acting on his first impulse, and to do the opposite of whatever it was his inner voice was telling him to do.
Sound hard? It is--but you've shown us that you can handle this sort of challenge by quitting drinking. And snorting. (And whatever else it was you were doing in your days of `youthful indiscretion').
Let's look at a few recent examples of your first impulse, and what your action should have been instead.
Situation: You inherit an economy with large surpluses from your predecessor.
Impulse: Squander the surplus on tax cuts for your wealthy friends.
Correct action: Preserve the surplus or invest it in the infrastructure of the Nation--because you never know when there might be an economic turndown, a war, or a great natural disaster that will sap the resources of the nation.
Situation: You have a lot of political cronies that want favors.
Impulse: Give these cronies jobs in the federal government for which they are poorly qualified.
Correct action: Give jobs to people based on merit.
Situation: Saddam is a bad man. You feel like a wimp because your dad didn't "take him out".
Impulse: Start a war against him based on trumped up intelligence and overblown hyperbole.
Correct action: Don't
Situation: Your vice president has a lot of cronies that want favors.
Impulse: Give them plum no-bid Iraqi reconstruction contracts.
Correct action: Allow competitive bids on these contracts so the market place ensures a fair price.
Situation: An ambassador with direct information that calls into question the intelligence you trumped up above publishes an article that publicly questions your rationale for war.
Impulse: Revenge. Smear him and his family--Even if it means blowing the cover of CIA assets.
Correct action: Don't.
Situation: A bereaved mother who lost a son in the war you started against Iraq demands that you meet with her and tell her what noble cause her child died for.
Impulse: Avoid her like the plague.
Correct action: Meet with her. (Actually, this one is kind of tough, since you'd look like an asshole either way--but at least meeting with her is the polite thing to do.)
Situation: A huge hurricane creates devastation across the South and essentially destroys the entire city of New Orleans.
Impulse: Kick back. Center yourself. Have a few photo ops. Talk a little about MediCare. You know, chill.
Correct action: Get your ass back to Washington and kick some asses and do everything you can to save lives and promote the general welfare of the United States.
Situation: You are under a lot of criticism for your lax response to a huge hurricane that created devastation across the South and essentially destroyed New Orleans.
Impulse: Spout platitudes like "Let's not play the blame-game", and "We're here to solve problems, because we're problem solvers"
Correct action: Solve problems
You see, it's really not so hard. In fact, if you notice, a lot of the situations above really are due to blow-back from previous poor decisions. If you had just been using the "Costanza Gambit" earlier in your term of office, you might not have had to deal with as many crises as you currently are seeing.
In fact, a lot of this turmoil probably could have been saved if you had gone against your first impulse in one decision you made even before you were president:
"Well, George, I've been looking and looking but I just can't seem to find a suitable VP candidate...."