From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Will Durst posts daily quips over at The Progressive magazine that are just plain snarky...
"Bush is to leadership what prairie brambles are to mobile surgery rooms."
"Intelligent Design is just creationism with aluminum siding on it."
"You could say the new Iraqi Constitution is going to be a bit short on rights for women. You could also say the Arctic in January is brisk."
"Bush says he doesn't want to play the "Blame Game." Makes sense. Never heard of a chicken who wanted to play the "Extra Crispy" game."
"The good news is, closed circuit videos in and around New Orleans have allowed us to identify the looters: Chevron, Shell, and ExxonMobil."
"Senator Rick Santorum thinks there should be tougher penalties on people who decide to ride Hurricanes out. I guess he means worse than drowning."
"As soon as New Orleans gets back to normal, I plan on volunteering to go down there and help drink their economy back on its feet."
I'll meet you there. In the meantime, gang, have a lovely last-weekend-of-summer weekend. Cheers and Jeers turns autumn colors in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 16, 2005
Note: Not to alarm anybody, but...has anyone seen three mice infected with bubonic plague anywhere?? No? Okay, just asking.
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By the Numbers:
Days until 2006: 107
Number of U.S. cities that have flipped Bush the bird by agreeing to meet the Kyoto Protocols on global warming: 166
(Source: Seattle Mayor's office via Harper's)
Percent of Americans who say oil companies & gas suppliers are price-gouging since Hurricane Katrina hit: 72%
(Source: Washington Post/ABC News poll via The Week magazine)
Amount of "political capital" Bush has left to spend from his election win last November: 10 cents
Days the federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,311
Days spent at terror alert level Green or Blue: 0
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day From Pastor Dan: Heartland hounds vs. Coastal elitists is funny. And just so you know, the dog on the left is just a model trying to earn a few Milk Bones for the family...so please don't judge him harshly.
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CHEERS to the Bush appointee who oughtta be Chief Justice. Early Happy Birthday to Supreme Court Justice David Souter, who turns 66 tomorrow. He was appointed by George Bush I, who thought Souter's rulings would lean towards the right. Fortunately, Souter interpreted the word to mean "correct," not "conservative." Sneaky.
JEERS to the Stealer-in Chief. Bush last night: "I've developed a plan for hurricane victims. Soon our White House pollsters will tell me whether to call it The New Deal or The Great Society. Heh heh." Actually, Bob Cesca over at the Huffington Post knows exactly what to call it: Operation Deadbeat Dad. Perfect.
P.S. Come take the roller coaster ride of your life (courtesy of Kossack Silence Do Good's diary this morning). It's called the Dubya Demon Drop. Click here and hang oooooooonnnnn!! Whooooaaa!!!. Mommy, I hafta throw up...
JEERS to the Great FEMA Mopapalooza. There are two manmade features you can see from space: the Great Wall of China and, now, the Bush administration's inability to protect America's citizens. This CNN report should not be read unless you've had a stiff belt or toke o' the reefer. Here's a lovely sample vignette:
Dr. Bong Mui and his staff, evacuated with 300 patients after three hellish days at Chalmette Medical Center, arrived at the New Orleans airport, and were amazed to see hundreds of sick people. They offered to help. But, the doctor told CNN, FEMA officials said they were worried about legal liability. "They told us that, you know, you could help us by mopping the floor." And so they mopped, while people died around them. "I started crying," he recalled. "We felt like we could help, and were not allowed to do anything."
Y'know, when they start making TV movies about this, the only appropriate place to air them will be on Comedy Central.
CHEERS to bizarre TV moments. 37 years ago today, in 1968, Richard Nixon appeared on 'Laugh-In' and uttered the immortal words, "Sock it to me?" In good time, Dick. All in good time.
JEERS to third world countries. Like the United States of America, according to a scathing U.N. report. One amazing finding:
The infant mortality rate has been rising in the US for the past five years, and "is now the same as Malaysia." America's black children are twice as likely as whites to die before their first birthday.
And the party in charge for the last five years...??? It's on the tip of my tongue...
JEERS to links that start with www.nytimes.com/pages/opinion. Starting Monday, you won't have access to the New York Times's op-ed page unless you pay for it. No Krugman, no Dowd, no...oh Jeebus, this hurts...no Frank Rich. Okay, so maybe I'll sneak a peak at the Sunday edition at the drug store across the street. Take the poll.
CHEERS to C&J'ers with huge hearts. In case you missed it, Andy from Sarasota (screen name Aabshier), who is a veterinarian, filed a good news post in C&J yesterday re: Mississippi sea critters surviving the Hurricane. It's worth an encore:
Cheers to survival at sea. Eight dolphins that were literally washed out of the Marine Life Oceanarium in Gulfport, Mississippi, were found alive in the waters near Gulfport's harbor. According to this MSNBC story , the eight dolphins are thin and banged up, but seem fine otherwise. Attempts are now underway to coax them in to shallow waters.
Cheers to a bright ray of light in the darkness of this tragedy. Two of the eight dolphins, Jackie and Kelly, were ones I had worked with as a dolphin trainer back in the 1980s. Kelly in particular was one I had been close to, so to find out she had survived so much was a great joy to me.
Cheers to the sea lions that survived also, many of which were cared for by surprised residents who found them well inland after the storm! One of the big guys, Seymore, was also an animal I had worked with back in the day. The people who found them, in some cases, used water meant for their own use to help keep the sea lions cool.
Way to go, Andy. By the way, any chance we can put Seymore in charge of FEMA??
JEERS to bad memories. Three years ago tomorrow, President Bush "asked" Congress for authority to use force against Iraq. If only we knew then what we know now. Wait a minute...we did, we did!!!
CHEERS to smushing the bug. Stomp! Stomp! Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp!!!! There...Bush's Social Security-gutting initiative is deceased. Somebody get a SwifferTM and clean up this mess.
CHEERS to nothing...absolutely nothing. When politicians in Massachusetts saw that nothing has changed since gay marriage became legal last year, they bailed on an anti-gay amendment that would've outlawed it. Now we hear that Governor Arnie wants to meet with gay rights leaders in California to discuss maybe not vetoing their new gay marriage law. And even Kansas (!) has rejected a measure outlawing gay adoption. Well knock me down with a feather...boa.
CHEERS to classy broads. Lauren Bacall turns 81 today. Let's all whistle Happy Birthday to her. You do know how to whistle, don't you? You just put your lips together and...blow.
JEERS to same shit, different day. Over 20 Iraqi police officers were killed by suicide bombers yesterday. And what does the U.S. military spokesman, Major Rick Lynch, have to say about it? Of course: the insurgents have become "desperate". If they can hold out for another 16 days and 5 hours, they'll break the world's record for the "Longest Last Throes" in history. We'll send Cheney to present the certificate.
CHEERS to TV's best. Ellen DeGeneres hosts the Emmys Sunday night. C&J plans to label the whole thing a sham if Ian McShane doesn't nab a statue for `Deadwood' and Peter Boyle gets snubbed again for `Everybody Loves Raymond.' You've been warned, Boob Tube Academy.
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One Year Ago in C&J: September 16, 2004...
JEERS to spit and bailing wire. Only 6 percent of Iraq reconstruction money has been spent so far, leaving millions of people without the basic necessities of life. Republican Senator Chuck Hagel laments, "It's beyond pitiful, it's beyond embarrassing. It's now in the zone of dangerous." Republican Senator Richard Lugar says, "It is exasperating from anybody looking at this from any vantage point." Well, anybody except the Chimp-in-Chief. Rah Rah Sisboom Frickin' Bah. [2005 update: Not even Bush's "Me got pee" note can top the one above for sheer gag-reflex value...]
CHEERS to Fox News Smackdown...on the 8s. HANNITY AND colmes, O'Reilly, and the rest got smoked last week by the Weather Channel's Hurricane Ivan coverage. C&J warns our readers: these talking heads use the word "fair" a lot...but they are so biased in favor of low pressure systems.
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And just one more...
JEERS to losing a great storyteller. Robert Wise has gone to the great sound stage in the sky...dead at 91. C&J can barely fathom how one man could be associated with so many Hollywood classics in so many capacities. A small sample:
Top Hat and The Informer (both 1935--Sound effects editor)
The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1939--Editor)
Citizen Kane (1941--Editor)
The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951--Director)
The Desert Rats (1953--Director)
Run Silent, Run Deep (1958--Director. Best sub movie ever.)
I Want to Live! (1958--Director)
West Side Story (1961--Producer & Director)
The Sound of Music (1965--Producer & Director)
The Sand Pebbles (1966--Producer & Director)
Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979--Director)
My DVD rentals are lined up for the next month. Thanks for the flickers, sir.
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Have a great weekend! Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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