Ya know, Joe Lieberman is actually a pretty good guy -- unappreciated by the blogosphere, not to mention Democrats in his home state of Connecticut.
But it's obvious that JoeMentum no longer reflects the values of Connecticut. He's just a good ole boy in a state full of Episcopalians. What he needs is a change of scenery. He needs to go to a place where his talents and world view will be truly appreciated -- honored even.
So, Joe, when you lose your party's nomination to Ned Lamont -- and then lose to him again in November -- pack it in. Gather up the wife and kids and wave goodbye to those damn Yankees in your rearview mirror. Come on down to Alabama and be our senator.
Alabama is your kind of place, Joe.
We're conservative. We're religious.
Alabama Democrats will embrace you, Joe. You'd be a vast improvement over that weasel Jeff Sessions. You see, it's all relative. Oh, did I mention that Sessions is up for re-election in 2008?
So move on down, Joe. Our residency requirements are very liberal. Ha Ha. Besides, we have lots of outsiders here now. We got three of them foreign car companies and there's lots of Mexicans building our houses for us.
Don't worry. We don't use the word carpetbagger any more, Joe. Ya see, we got over that whole War of Northern Aggression thing a long time ago. We like Yankees. No, really. Especially Yankees who move here to get away from something up North.
So when you come down, talk a lot about how the unions have ruined everything in Connecticut. Down here unions=liberal and liberal=Satan. Stuff like that.
Oh, and the war in Iraq.
Now, it's not as popular in Alabama as it once was, Joe. But down here you'll get major Brownie points for standing behind your commander in chief (as long as it's not Bill Clinton). You can talk about staying the course and fighting them over there and not cutting and running all you want. There's no such thing in Alabama as too pro-military.
So suck up to Bush all you want. Alabama doesn't care. Hell, even our black Democratic congressman votes with the Republicans on occasion.
Just don't kiss him. Down here guys don't kiss guys.
Now, you're probably thinking "But I'm Jewish. Christian Alabama will reject me."
Not so. We had a recent Democratic governor -- Don Siegelman -- who had a Jewish-sounding name. And his wife was an actual, authentic Jew.
We've long since forgiven your people for crucifying our Lord. And we really admire those Israelis over there. We like folks who don't take any shit off anybody.
Just be sure to wear a Ten Commandments pin on your lapel. The Ten Commandments is big down here. And I understand it was written by one of your people. See how much we have in common?
But there are a few things you'll have to learn if you want to fit in -- seeings how you ain't from around here.
Number 1 -- College football. I realize it ain't a big deal in Connecticut, but down here it's more pervasive than humidity. If college football were on the ballot versus Jesus, I'm not sure who would win.
So remember this: While campaigning in Tuscaloosa, wear crimson and white and yell "Roll Tide" a lot. And when you go to the Loveliest Village on the Plain (that would be Auburn), wear your orange and blue and scream "War Eagle" a lot. That should be easy for you, Joe. Auburn is not actually the Eagles. They're the Tigers, but they scream "War Eagle." Don't ask. It's complicated.
Number 2 -- NASCAR. If someone asks you what you think Junior's chances are at Talladega, he isn't talking about Bush. Just mumble something about restrictor plates.
Number 3 -- Tailgating. It's what we do here. Get you one of those big RVs and take it to Bryant-Denny Stadium. You'll need to get there a week in advance if you want a good spot. You can buy up a lot of votes with barbeque and Budweiser. The infield at Talladega is another good party spot. But tell your wife to keep her shirt on. They don't allow that topless stuff anymore since the big crackdown.
It's a win-win, Joe. Down here we don't expect a lot from our Democrats. Just look at the Alabama Legislature. It's got a Democratic majority, but not like any kind of Democrat you'd find in New York City.
You see, down here you don't have to be a "petitioning Democrat." You can be a Blue Dog Democrat or whatever else you want to call yourself. You'd be free to let the real Joe out. No more pretending to be pro-choice.
The expectations of Alabama Democrats are real low. We've gotten so used to fanatics like Jeff Sessions you'll be as welcome as an afternoon summer thundershower. You'd be downright progressive.
Just vote with the Democrats for majority leader and vote with them every once in a while on other stuff. I'll bet even the bloggers would get off your case. They don't bother Ben Nelson, do they?
And if you ever decide down the road that you want to switch parties, no problem. People do that all the time here. Just ask Richard Shelby. Or George Wallace Jr.
Alabama needs a guy like you, Joe. Sessions can be beaten. He's got a whiny girl voice and he comes across like one of those preachers telling you not to drink or fornicate. We don't like preachers who get in our face.
One last thing. It would be a good idea to add a name. How about Joe Bob? Joe Bob Lieberman has a nice ring to it.
Connecticut doesn't appreciate you, Joe.