Daily Kos

U.S. Declares War on Indian Ocean!

by Black Maned Pensator

Tue Jan 04, 2005 at 10:01:01 AM PDT

January 4, 2005
Washington, D.C. (AP)

Tuesday in the Oval Office President Bush declared war on the Indian Ocean and all "associated bodies of water."

The decision came after vocal critics pointed out the disparity between the U.S. reactions to the September 11 tragedy and Indian Ocean tsunami. Roughly 3,000 died in the September 11 attacks.  Over 100,000 died as a result of the tsunami.

Neoconservatives within the administration have been calling for war almost daily since the tsunami struck.  "To be frank," Richard Perle argued Sunday on Meet the Press, "our reaction should be 30 times as severe."

The article continues below the fold.

Pacifist arguments against war have been tellingly weak. Some argue that the Indian Ocean is not a nation, so cannot legally be targeted by military action.  

Others suggest that because the victims of the tragedy included very few American citizens, an American military response is neither required nor proportionate.

President Bush brushed these concerns aside as he signed the executive order calling up all remaining U.S. reserves.  "We have allies on the coast of the Indian Ocean," he said.  "And our allies have been attacked.  It is up to us to defend them.  We must stand firm in our resolve."

President Bush said the military expedition would be funded with tax cuts for the American middle class.  "By putting money in the pockets of the American people, we increase the wealth of this nation.  We are rich in love.  We can pay any price.  We must pay any price to defend our allies."

The Foreign Minister of Bangladesh said the nation had no need for military assistance.  The official message?  "We are looking for humanitarian aid, not military intervention."

The U.S. military response will replace the promised $300 million in aid. The Defense Department "sees no profit in pumping money into a situation if the money does not contribute to a final solution," a spokesman said.

The defensive operation is expected to last for three to six months, and cost $10-20 billion.  U.S. troops will be rotated out of Iraq as soon as the elections there have been completed. "With the elections over," a state department spokesman said, "our mission is truly accomplished.  There is peace and democracy in the Niddle--the Middle East."

Environmentalists expressed their bafflement at the coming war.  "What are you going to kill," one angry demonstrator shouted from the mall, "f---ing  turtles?"

Braced with this criticism, Bush replied levelly.  "If turtles attacked us, they must be brought to justice.  And by attacking our allies, they attacked us.  I want them dead or alive."

By noon Tuesday, preparations for the operation were well under way.


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Permalink | 23 comments

  •  Yes... (4.00 / 5)

    It's satire.  By yours truly.

    by Black Maned Pensator on Tue Jan 04, 2005 at 09:50:41 AM PDT

  •  We need ocean-busting nukes! <nt> (none / 0)

    --Is RINO a good thing?

    by anonymous coward 8 on Tue Jan 04, 2005 at 09:50:44 AM PDT

  •  Meanwhile... (4.00 / 2)

    ...Republicans are deriding John Kerry's plan to enlist other oceans to help in this war, pointing out that, just like the French, you can't count on the Pacific to be belicose.  

    The revolution will not be televised, but we'll analyze it to death at The Next Hurrah.

    by DHinMI on Tue Jan 04, 2005 at 09:56:32 AM PDT

  •  We will know we have won (none / 0)

    when the USS Abraham Lincoln with it's "Mission Accomplished" banner in resting on the floor of the Indian Ocean.

    "Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen." Mort Sahl

    by maggiemae on Tue Jan 04, 2005 at 09:58:10 AM PDT

  •  We need to rethink torture. (none / 0)

    Not because it's abhorrent, but because "waterboarding" won't work.

    Also, Sen. Cornyn requests that we not kill the "f---ing turtles." Seems he has a special interest in them, though he won't tell anyone what it is.

    by Kagro X on Tue Jan 04, 2005 at 09:58:40 AM PDT

  •  War on "Terra" explained (none / 1)

    He's been waging a war on the earth since he got into office:  drilling, mining, cutting down trees, polluting the air, water, land, over fishing, over harvesting, poisoning the genetic make-up of plants and animals.

    The earth is striking back.  This first shot missed our continent.  

    The earth will win in the end.

    "I used to be disgusted, now I try to be amused..." - Elvis

    by Gearhead on Tue Jan 04, 2005 at 10:02:05 AM PDT

  •  financed with tax cuts... (none / 0)

    i love that story.

    Anyone who advocates, supports, defends, rationalizes, or excuses torture has pus for brains and a case of scurvy for a conscience. - James Wolcott

    by rasbobbo on Tue Jan 04, 2005 at 10:03:28 AM PDT

  •  "The plankton will great us as (none / 1)

    liberators, and throw flowers and sweets," added Perle.  "They long for liberation from the tyranny of the tides."

    by Hprof on Tue Jan 04, 2005 at 10:06:57 AM PDT

  •  I want George W. Bush to declare war..... (none / 1)

    On all the rubble in my basement. I figure that if he airdrops some guys from the 82nd - with a buttload of armor piercing ammunition - they can blast away all the washers and dryers, old furniture, junk computers, and all the other associated crap I've squirreled away down there.

    The wife's been on my case - she can't make it to the dryer anymore to do laundry, and her gym clothes are starting to really stink.

    They can bring a sniper rifle, and pretend they're taking out Iraqi insurgents  - I'll set up homemade, human-shaped cardboard shapes as targets, amidst the piled up debris and old bicycles - to make it more fun - and maybe they'll bring a some heavier ordinance - like a tripod mounted machine gun and plenty of belts of DU ammunition - so they can cut up all the excess white goods, cast iron bathroom fixtures, and random bits of scrap metal that I was collecting, to smelt down into broadswords and ploughshares, just in case there really was something to that Y2K thing.

    I know DU dust is supposed to be kind  of bad for the lungs, so when they're good and finished and waving goodbye from their pickup chopper, I'll drag a fan down there and blow that airborne Uranium dust into the woods.

    If they don't get too carried away, they shouldn't damage the first floor too much - especially if I cut the power first, turn off the gas at the external shutoff so the house doesn't blow up, and put sandbags on the floor to contain occasional bits of flying shrapnel. If they hit the water main, that's cool - I need to hose down the floor anyway.

    As long as those boys don't whoop it up too much and start chucking grenades or call in an air strike or something, I think it'll work out really well.

    When they're done, I'll just wheel out the grill and a twelve pack of cold 16 oz Pabst , and tell 'em - "It's char-broil time" . I'll cook 'em up some burgers - just to thank them for their efforts and tide 'em over 'till they get back to base.

    If they've caused too much collateral damage, they'll write me out a little slip to bring to my insurance company - to testify that it was all in the interest of national security and so my homeowner's insurance had better pony up some patriotic cash to straighten things out.

    If I get enough for the damage to my basement and whatever else - blown out windows, severed wiring, holes in the hot water heater and so on - I'll pay some guy with a truck to haul all that shit and bullet-pocked rubble to the dump and fix that basement right up with carpeting, a dropped ceiling, recessed lighting, and a  dehumidifier - then I'll install a wet bar and a pool table.... maybe a jacuzzi too, and an elliptical trainer while I'm at it.

    Talk to Action

    by Troutfishing on Tue Jan 04, 2005 at 10:33:58 AM PDT

  •  Funding (none / 0)

    Will the oil extracted from dead whales pay for the operation?

    Blue Jersey: All the news that slips from print.

    by jmelli on Tue Jan 04, 2005 at 10:39:05 AM PDT

Permalink | 23 comments