Don't anyone yell. It's Friday night and this is only for chuckles.
WARNING: first one to use the word "pie" is a rotten egg!
I came across this press release trying to be an article last week and found it to be pretty entertaining. The theory is that the metrosexual is now passe. Far too femmy for the average red-blooded American male, he has been officically replaced by the "ubersexual."
[Aside: I swear. It's articles like this that make me realize that I wouldn't survive two minutes as a guy. Sure you have all the money and power, but the lane you have to live in is so narrow that it must hurt!]
So what exactly is an ubersexual?? So glad you asked because there ARE rules and they are as follows:
Metrosexual or Ubersexual? How to Spot the Difference
- Both are passionate, but the uber is passionate about causes and principles, while the metro is mostly passionate about himself
- The uber spends more time grooming his mind than his hair
- Both treat and respect women as equals, but the uber considers other men, not women, his best friends
- The uber is more sensual and not at all self-conscious; he doesn't need other people to tell him he's sexy--nor does he plan his errands around which shop windows offer the best reflection
- The metro gets design tips from the Fab Five; the uber gets them from his travels and interest in art and culture
- The uber knows the difference between right and wrong and will make the right decision regardless of what others around him may think; the metro knows the difference between toner and exfoliant--and worries that he's using yesterday's brand
Ha-ha-ha!! Too funny right?? Well, on second thought it's kinda sad. It's like, you can be fashionable, but don't be TOO fashionable. God forbid!!
Anyway, putting aside the deeper meaning of it all, here's the entertaining part. The article includes a list of ubersexual guys and despite the homophobic undertones of the whole concept, some of these guys are, erm, fucking hot (it's done in top-ten format a la Letterman and take note, I didn't write any of the cheesy descriptions inside the blocks):
Ninety-nine percent of registered female Democrats worship the ground Jon Stewart walks on. He doesn't push MY buttons, but hey, I gotta give Jon props, too many women I love and respect want to have his child so I have to recognize.
10. Jon Stewart: He is outspoken without regard to what other people think (as evidenced by his skewering his hosts during this year's Advertising Week). He is supportive of women and pokes fun at himself in a self-deprecating way.
Guy Ritchie is boring and his wife has turned into her own worst nightmare. Why is he on the list?
9. Guy Ritchie: His masculinity is unquestioned even though he's married to one of the world's top music icons. (In fact, gravitating toward strong women tends to be an uber trait.)
Pierce Brosnan: Even more boring than Ritchie. Single-handedly put the final nail in the Bond brand coffin with his totally forgettable performances.
8. Pierce Brosnan: His James Bond strength was never compromised when we watched him publicly mourn his first wife (and raise her children). He has Remington Steele's classic elegance and savoir faire.
Ewan McGregor as Obi-Won: "YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!! You were supposed to bring balance to the Force, not leave it in darkness!"" [Aside: Love ya Meteor, but Lucas dialog ROCKS!]
7. Ewan McGregor: A handsome, fashionable family man, McGregor is versatile enough to go from riding his Harley Davidson around the world to walking the red carpet. He is comfortable in his own sexuality.
Oh shit--be still my beating heart!! It's Barack Obama! And how fucking pissed was I at half the posters on this site in the days to follow his diary. I was taking names, I'm telling you. But I'm okay now. I've calmed down.
6. Barack Obama: At the DNC, he managed to marry sentimental love of family with a new face of patriotism. And he looks sharp in a suit.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Not the fucking Gropinator!!! What is he? The token Republican on this list???
5. Arnold Schwarzenegger: He journeyed from body builder to mega movie star to politician, all the while keeping his shoes buffed and hair in place. He has succeeded in every challenge he's faced, and he has a Kennedy for a wife.
Huh?? The Donald: More evidence that money can't buy taste, much less someone willing to tell you that your hair makes you look like a freak.
4. Donald Trump: Love him or hate him, Trump is a man who is certain about what he wants and sets out to get it, no holds barred. Women find his power almost as much of a turn-on as his money.
Oh shit! How'd Barack get into Bubba's picture?? My bad!
3. Bill Clinton: A born charmer with Southern roots who is not afraid to cry. He is a supremely confident, decisive leader. And he has supremely sexy hands.
George Clooney: Perhaps even more popular among Democratic females than Jon Stewart. Heh--there was even once a diary here devoted to all things worshipful of George. Seriously, great politics, great looks and a total commitmentphobe--a man after my own heart!
2. George Clooney: He appreciates the finer things in life (including his villa on the shores of Lake Como), and he is strongly bonded with and loyal to a cadre of male friends. His timeless image has allowed him to rise from B-sitcoms to box-office hits, some of which he's directed and/or produced.
Bono: Okay, okay, so he's done great work helping countries that have been crippled by national debt. I give him that. Still, I think those sunglasses disqualify him from the No. 1 spot.
1. Bono: He's global, socially aware, confident, and compassionate, and he commands a huge base of followers who are fans of his music -- and his humanitarianism. Is it any wonder rumors are swirling about a Nobel Peace Prize?
Now I was gonna include a poll on the most ubersexual Kossak, but then I chickened out. I couldn't do it. Popularity contests involving fantasy-world celebs are one thing, but posters on Dkos are quite another. And yeah, I have my pick, but I plan on >>cough-cough-hunter-cough-cough<< taking it to my grave so don't even bother asking! I'll never tell!