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The following is a political séance with James E. Hoover. Mr. Hoover, are you there?"
"Yes, this is J. Edgar Hoover. This is so exciting. I haven't had an audience in years! I used to have a BIG audience. Everyone knew me. I made sure of it. I used film, radio and television shamelessly while I was FBI Director. It wasn't just the makeup tips, I needed publicity. It helped keep my job. Well, that and being able to blackmail nearly everyone in Washington at one time or another. And I had the time. I ran the Bureau for more than forty-eight years. Coolidge appointed me, you know. I served Coolidge, Hoover, Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson and Nixon. I had files on all of them. Brother, the things I could tell you! Do you think I was the only cross-dresser in DC?!"
"But that's not why I'm here. I have a message for Karl Rove. And I want to talk about Jeff Gannon, aka James Guckert. I am fascinated by the case!"
(Continuing a political séance with former FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover)
"Mr. Hoover, do you have a message?"
"Yes, I do. I have something I want to say to Karl Rove."
"Hello Karl, you little turd. Very proud of yourself, aren't you? You engineered the electoral miracle, a second term for George W. Bush. Congratulations, sweetie, you proved you could get a lazy moron elected President, twice! All you had to do was commit treason, perjury and use a national tragedy to launch a phony war for political gain. Personal gain as well, perhaps? Did you ever sell that Haliburton stock? Did you load up on oil stocks? We'll see."
"I suspect the coming investigations will reveal one or two really big scandals, the memorable, nasty kind. I am sooo jealous! Sorry I can't be there to help. Did you think you were untouchable, Karl? Did you think you were immune to the Justice Department and Congress? There are always investigations, kiddo, investigations and indictments."
"But the investigators won't need my help, Karl. Pride has made you sloppy, baby doll. I'm guilty of the same sin, but I didn't leave pictures behind! You have left more than bread crumbs in your wake. You've left witnesses. Reckless, Karl! I only need review one of your minor scandals to see that you and your entourage are out of control."
- Which one of your boys brought `Jeff Gannon' to the White House?
- Who decided it would be fun to have a male prostitute ask softball questions in White House news conferences?
- Who gave `Jeff Gannon' secret information on a CIA agent's identity? Really Karl, is there anyone you haven't leaked to about Valerie Plame?
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Did you even run a Google search on this hustler before your gave him White House credentials and copies of secret memos? This is why we do background checks, idiot! This is why we find the compromising photographs before the backward children in the media get wind of the scandal."
"You almost got away with it. It took the clueless White House press corps more than a year to discover James Guckert, alias Jeff Gannon of TalonNews, was available for man on man sex at the reasonable rate of $200 per hour. You brought a male hooker to the White House and made him a member of the press corps. Very cute, Karl. Even if you have zero respect for members of the press, why do you have so little regard for the dignity of the office of the President? Did you consider the risk of exposure? Did you protect your 'King'? You did not. Unforgivably sloppy, Karl!"
"This isn't your first mistake. After September 11, you and the rest of your gang took your eye off the real enemy."
- You ignored Osama. Who asked for that? The Saudis or Pakistan? No matter, you forgot Bin Laden and let him hatch a thousand copycats.
- You created a training camp for urban warfare in Iraq, assuring the flow of experienced terrorist leaders.
- You built `Homeland Security for the Rich', focusing on air traffic at the expense of mass transit.
- You ignored safety at chemical plants and nuclear power stations to save your campaign contributors expense.
- You perverted the intelligence process with lies about WMDs and now you can't get useful information.
"I simply can't wait to see what happens next! Who will roll on you first, your superiors or your staff? My money is on your staff, baby doll. I'll be back after the indictments are announced to review your performance and discuss a plea. Toodles!"
(End of seance)