I'm a scientist. I spend most of my day mixing tiny drops of liquid from small tubes with tinier drops of liquid from even smaller tubes. It gives me plenty of time to think. As you may know business
isn't so great for scientists these days. So I'm always on the lookout for a great patent I can get that I can then license to industry and live like a Saudi Prince on my royalty checks. Although I've made a few interesting observations,... the killer patent eludes me. So I've started looking at more pedestrian ways to make money through science. And I've come up with a great idea! I'm going to make a fortune, and I'm looking for investors!
What is my idea?
I'm going to sell YOUR private genetic information to anyone who wants it!
That's right! My company is going to sell the most personal and private information about you,
your children, your whole family to anyone who wants it. Think about it like a credit reporting agency, but instead of reporting how much money you make, how much you borrowed, did you pay it back, how many late payments did you make, etc. my company is going to sell information about who you are, whether you are going to get
Huntington's disease,
Parkinson's disease,
Alzheimer's disease,
Breast cancer,
Colon cancer ... Are you and your spouse likely to have a child with
Cystic Fibrosis,
Sickle Cell Anemia,
Tay Sachs disease,
Hemophilia The
possibilities are growing daily. There are thousands of mutant genes I can test for, using simple techniques like
PCR and DNA sequencing. (They're so simple I could train monkeys to do this work and very nearly have!) The reagents are cheap and some are even easy to make offering opportunities to increase profits through
vertical integration.
I know, I know. Some of you are saying silly things like:
I. Well, I don't want to know those things about myself and my children, so you won't be getting any business from me!
R: I don't care! You're not my target customer silly. Who do the credit bureaus sell their information to? Creditors! People who want to know if you are a good risk for extending credit to.
II: So who are you going to sell my genetic information to?
R: Employers and Insurers. People who want to know if you are a good risk for extending employment or health and life insurance coverage to. Oh! and your nosey future mother in law has expressed an interest in your genes as well!
III: Why would my employer or insurer want to know anything about my genes?
R: Your DNA is like a crystal ball for looking into your medical future. Your employer, your health insurance company, your life insurance company all want to know if you are going to get sick because of your genes. If you do it will cost them money by missing work, or needing expensive medical, care or dying young and collecting on your life insurance policy.
IV: Well you aren't getting my DNA! I'm not giving it to you.
R: Aahhh...yeah, I can hardly avoid the stuff. There's lots of ways I can get it:
- My biggest customers, your employer and your insurance company, are going to require a drop of blood from you as a condition of employment or insurance coverage. (Just like that cup of urine they ask for.)
- Remember the blood you donated at the Red Cross blood drive? They got your address, Social Security number, date of birth,... All I need is a drop or two, and the Red Cross already sells your blood so why not sell my company a few drops?
- Looking down at my keyboard I see enough flakes of my skin and hair follicles to sequence my genome. All I need is one hair follicle the size of this period . and I can test you for every gene I can think of.
- The military and the police are starting to keep DNA databases. I don't need much I'm sure someone can get me a little on the side.
- Once we exhaust the easy ways of collecting DNA for our database we'll go on to the even easier ways! I got this one from Karl Rove:
Direct mail!
We'll send out mass mailings to everyone in the country with some deal you can't resist if you send back the enclosed 3x5 card in a self addressed stamped envelope. Then I can extract your DNA from the cells left behind when you licked the stamp
Basically, your DNA is all over the place. You're leaving it all around you as you go about your day. I can get it from the dandruff you left on that suit you dropped off at the dry cleaners, I can get it out of your hairbrush, Hell I bet I can even get some DNA out of your toothbrush!
Also, we can do great things like determine racial purity! And great progress is being made in identifying genes increasing susceptibility to addiction to cocaine, heroin, alcohol. Think about it, employers can eliminate employees with drug and alcohol addiction before they ever take their first drink! What is that worth to employers? to insurers? It's a gold-mine I tell you!
V: There must be a law against doing this!
A: Not really.
VI: Well there should be a law against this!
A: But....there's not! Welcome to the Brave New World of Genetic Discrimination!
VII: Well I'm going to write my Senators and my Congressman and tell them they need to write legislation prohibiting this.
A: That's so cute! <patting on the head>You go ahead and do that if it makes you feel better.</patting on the head> My Congressman, the Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert has blocked legislation preventing Genetic Discrimination for years. I only just now realized he was doing it so I could make a lot of money helping your boss and your insurance company screw you and your family over!
Oh, shoot me an email if you're interested in investing, I'll send you a prospectus.