Kelso: If you can't get into the country club, you shouldn't get on DeLay's jury

John Kelso is a longtime humor columnist in Austin. His column today takes on the bugman's trial preferences. An extended sample:

But the way things are going, shouldn't we perhaps let DeLay pick his own jury? He'd go for that. I mean, why should he have to put up with the mercurial nature of the general public?

Here are some criteria that I think DeLay would like to use to choose who will sit in judgment of him:

Each juror should own his own riding lawn mower.

Each juror should have a Botoxed wife who has a membership at the golf course and turns up the air conditioner high so she can wear furs in the summer.

More below

Each juror should be a white guy who used to be a bug exterminator.

Each juror should have a Neiman's card and should have aspired to have shaken hands with Ronald Reagan.

Each juror should figure it's a third-degree felony if you don't know the words to at least 80 percent of the songs in your standard Protestant hymnal. (In DeLay's case, maybe the title should be changed to "Shall We Gather Up the River.")

Instead of bragging about going to Woodstock, each juror should brag about having season tickets to the Rapture.

Each juror should think that a woman can qualify for an abortion only if the father was Jeffrey Dahmer.

Each juror who is a Klan member should have at least a 300 thread count in his sheet.

•  I love Kelso

  Thanks George.

  DeLay has taken the whining Republican demand for special privilege to a new level.  And Kelso is just the person to call him on it.

  But it is not just Tom DeLay.

  The whiny demand thet they have earned special privileges and deserve special treatment is endemic to the Republicans.  They deserve to pay less taxes, to have special marital status unavailable to all citizens, to choose their judge if (My Heavens No) ever accused of a crime, and to be tried in their own back yard.  The party of Special Privilege and Entitlement.

  Meanwhile, I'll head over to the Travis County Courthouse and see if I can get some justice for ordinary folk.

  by Othniel on Fri Nov 11, 2005 at 06:10:27 AM PDT