Dear Reverend Robertson,
I live in Dover, Pennsylvania. So you can imagine my shock to wake up this morning and see the local headlines telling me that I am doomed for eternity! Talk about getting the day off to a bad start! Anyway, having never been smitten before, I have a few questions I hope you can help me with:
- When God curses a community does he do so according to zip code? You see, although I have a Dover mailing address, I don't live in the school district. I couldn't even vote on this issue which apparently has the Lord all upset. Does this give me a reprieve - or do you think I'm just trying to weasel out on a technicality?
- If I get infected boils as divine punishment, are they contagious? Should I call in sick? It doesn't seem fair to expose my co-workers to second-hand sin. Or, are they also guilty simply by their association with a terrible wretch like myself?
- Is it too late to peel the John Kerry for President bumper sticker from my car? I noticed on my way to work this morning that my car kept getting struck by lightning. This made it very difficult to maintain control of my Subaru (even with the all-wheel drive), although the lack of control may have been partly due to the fact that it was also raining frogs at the time. That brings up another question - if I get into an accident on a frog-slickened highway will Allstate cover me?
- Do the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse really have to act like such jerks? They nearly ran me off the road several times today. They go around plundering and pillaging the countryside, and then act like it's all a big joke. They remind me of the barbarians in the Capital One commercials, but they are not nearly as charming. Why don't they just settle down and blend into the community? If they did so they could run for the school board in two years.
- If I run into Satan on the street, how should I address him? He seems to go by so many names and I get so confused. Does he prefer Ba'al? Beelzebub? Mr. President?
In closing, let me thank you for taking time out of your busy day of Republican fundraising and gay-cursing to address my concerns. I eagerly await your words of wisdom. I think that you have one of the finest minds of the 10th century.