Daily Kos

TRUTH FROM OUR OWN SOLDIERS ABOUT IRAQ: Letters and audio from soldiers speaking out

Sun Nov 27, 2005 at 02:59:56 PM PDT

A few months ago I put out a request for letters from soldiers being redeployed to Iraq for a second or third tour. I recieved about ten letters so far and will be publishing them over the next several weeks.

I am in the middle of a series of articles about OIF/OEF vets who are suffering from PTSD or have had traumatic injuries. The response on that has been absolutely overwhelming.

I expect to be able to release over 20 full length interviews, and about 30 letters and stories from soldiers who are going through hell after coming home from Iraq or Afgahnistan.

I felt that now was the time to put this out after watching Meet The Press and the Sunday news shows with all the opinions about withdrawal and slurs of treason and supporting terrorsits by questioning our mission in Iraq.

I have included two audio files of the PTSD/Traumatic Injury interviews. The full length interview with Specialist Douglas Barber who served with the 1485th Transportation Company, Ohio National Guard will be released tomorrow on hundreds of web sites around the world. I will post a copy here to the Kos site as well.

The other audio is a short interview I did with Staff Sgt. Raymond Ramos of the 442nd MP Company, NY National Guard. It is mainly about the budget cuts and failure to fund the VA programs for returnng vets and vets of previous wars. He also goes into some of his beliefs about the current state of affairs in regrads to Iraq and those who call the outspoken US troops and vets traitors and cowards.

SSGT. Ramos also has some critical comments on Bush's words about support for the troops.

I AM GOING ON RECORD AND SAYING RIGHT NOW THAT THESE OFF RECORD LETTERS HAVE BEEN SEEN BY VFP, IVAW, OPERATION TRUTH AND NUMEROUS VETS AND OTHERS WHO CAN VERIFY THEM. I SENT A COPY OF THE ORIGINAL LETTERS TO THESE GROUPS AND TO SEVERAL VETS WHO I KNOW WILL CALL IT LIKE IT IS.

I HAVE HAD A LOT OF SHIT IN THE PAST ABOUT HOW I FABRICATED LETTERS AND INTERVIEWS. THAT IS UTTER B.S. AND WRONG ON ANYONES PART WHO TRIES TO DISCREDIT THE TRUTH AS THE TROOPS ARE SPEAKING ABOUT IT.

I can and will back up anything I put out, unless it puts a soldier in danger, or hurts his career or family members. I have done everything in my power to make sure that these letters came from real troops who are redeploying.

Any letter I have doubts about will not be published, or will be verified by vets who were in Iraq.

I felt that now was the time to put this out after watching Meet The Press and the Sunday news shows with all the opinions about withdrawal and slurs of treason and supporting terrorsits by questioning our mission in Iraq.

LETS JUST LISTEN TO THE SOLDIERS WHO ARE THE REAL EXPERTS HERE!
--------------------------------------------

PT 3: INTERVIEW WITH SPC. DOUGLAS BARBER- OIF VET WITH PTSD
http://f4.grp.yahoofs.com/...

AUDIO OF THE SHORT INTERVIEW WITH SSGT.
RAMOS:
http://f1.grp.yahoofs.com/...

---------------------------------------

Letters from a Three US soldiers redeploying to Iraq:

Letter #1 from Captain Courage:
http://groups.google.com/...

Dear Jay Shaft and Coalition For Free Thought In Media,

I received your request to interview or get letters from the troops who are redeploying for a second combat tour in Iraq. I am happy to talk to you, as long as you can keep me off record and protect me from having my name discovered by the Army and DOD. I cannot afford to get caught doing this because they will take my rank and service time and shit all over them.

I am an officer with an MP unit and have almost twenty years in service. I am almost ready to retire, but the Army felt it necessary to the mission in Iraq to send me over for at least a year, even though my enlistment is technically done after the beginning of next year.

I am redeploying for my second tour in Iraq and my fourth overseas assignment in the past four years. I have been home with my family a total of eleven months in that time, and it looks like I will spend less than a year with them out of a five-year period.

The Pentagon claims that we have plenty of troops to meet our obligations around the world, but they are redeploying as many as 100,000 more troops to Iraq by the end of 2006. Right now over 30,000 have been redeployed, and that's just over the last few months. In the beginning of this year there were about 20-30,000 that had to redeploy, I don't know exact numbers, but it was a lot.

They claim that they are meeting their recruiting demands and keeping enough soldiers in service to respond to any mission profile or duty response that is needed. They claim that our time frame in Iraq is only temporary, until the elections are over. Yeah, well we have already stayed through two elections and several attempts to draft a constitution. How many more times will we have to send thousands of troops over to secure democracy yet another time? Is it ever going to be secured? We will ever be allowed to leave Iraq?

This is the same Pentagon that says the Army and other branches are at their optimum size and they have been insisting all along it had plenty of troops to do the job, and to finish the job?

Does it look like we have enough troops that they can use without redeploying the same units that have taken mass casualties and had their strength depleted through bloody and life changing injuries? No, they are sending us back to the same meat grinder that me and my fellow brothers and sisters in arms were lucky to return home from.

Some of us made the ultimate sacrifice by dying for our country in military service, and others have had their lives forever changed by injuries and suffering from PTSD and combat stress. We will never be the same again, even if we won't even admit it to ourselves. We have come home only to face the imminent prospect of going back and dying for our country and their misguided policies and drive for oil and profits.

How do you tell a soldier he has to go back and put his life on the line again? How do you ask him to possibly give up his legs or arms or get permanent brain damage or other life damaging injuries? How can you be the one to ask a man or woman that, especially if they have children?

Maybe we should make an individual who supports the war without question be the one to notify the soldier he has to redeploy. Then if that soldier dies or gets hurt that same person would be responsible to go and notify the family that their soldier is dead or maimed for life.

Maybe that would change the minds of some of the people who do not know or care of the costs the troops pay every day they are being kept in Iraq. I am not saying that they shouldn't Support The Troops; you should do that no matter what your views on the war.

Regardless of a soldier's take on the politics and opinions of this war and its cost, each soldier will carry this experience in his or her heart and mind forever. You can never get the sight out of your mind's eye of the wounded and bleeding U.S. soldiers, and the ones who died right there in front of you or came back to the FOB in a bag.

The deaths of soldiers and civilians, and what is happening now in Iraq with the raids on the insurgent strongholds are not a reality TV show. It costs us lives, and and will be continuing to cost a lot of lives on both sides. How much more can they expect us to endure?

Enduring Freedom is an ironic name for continuing operations in the war on terror. It should be Operation Enduring Deaths and Injuries, because the death toll and number of injuries is growing like a cancerous tumor on our lives.

We should make sure that the rich kids and the wealthy young Turks of business have to serve the country as well as the poor. Why should the duty be left up to those who might not have any other options for a career because they can't afford college or higher education?

This will probably not happen, since the wealthy upper class and the well-heeled middle class are no longer sending their kids to the all-voluntary forces like they were during Vietnam, when the draft got everyone, unless you could buy your way out of course. The families of the less fortunate have no one to speak for them in Congress, so the rich will not have to sacrifice their kids or loved ones, they just have to wave the flag and "support the troops".

We really need cheerleaders right now, it's really saving lives and helping our troops to stay alive and come home. As you can see I do indulge in sarcasm, but it is high time someone in service did. We need to make sure that every man woman and child in America that stands up and waves the flag knows that it covers coffins coming home from the war they support.

For all the soldiers who say that they hate the protesters and would beat the crap out of them if they could, we need to make it real clear about our nation's foundation on freedom. We should be constantly reminded that the free expression of all opinions, any viewpoints and ideals, and even outright stupidity and the right to have any beliefs is exactly what we as soldiers are defending, because we are supposed to be bringing that right to the Iraqis as well.

I realize that it is hard sometimes to listen to people oppose the war or the President's choices, especially when we don't like the opinions offered and we are making sacrifices including giving up our lives. However, if we truly believe in what we sacrifice for, we will give people the right to voice dissent or to oppose this war.

Being soldiers, it is our duty to follow the orders of our commanders and this country's leaders, but as citizens it is everyone's right and responsibility to question our government and have the right to engage in political and ethical debate.

We as soldiers have to wait until we get out of service before we can openly engage in our own opinions and views, which is the ultimate irony for the soldier who is having questions or disillusionment with serving in Iraq. If you ask is there an official gag order, no, there is not one specific policy or rule to cover that, but you are told your duty is to never questions orders by a superior or our country's leaders.

While it is not a specific written policy, you can be assured that you will get punished or sanctioned for speaking out against the war or questioning the reality you have been presented. I have had several soldiers that I was responsible for investigating after they sent harsh and critically questioning letters back home. They were punished; believe me, with whatever the harshest punishment could be.

I was not responsible for the final adjudication or punishment, but I know it occurred. Please keep that in mind when you publish this letter. I want to be able to finish my 20 without getting crucified or have my rank taken away. I put in too much time to lose it all now.

I do not want to go back to Iraq. I do not want to see more of my soldiers killed or viciously wounded, or to see any of them end up with PTSD or long lasting mental problems.

I do not want to have to make the decision about whether to open fire on insurgents and know that I might be killing an innocent civilian who got in the way. I do not want to see any more dead children or any civilian for that matter. I do not want the responsibility of who dies and who lives. I know it is my job to do that as a commander, but it is not an easy thing to decide.

I do not want to go, but I will because I will not shirk my duty and try to get out of it. I am not happy to be going back to Iraq or happy about any of the things going on there. We are losing at least two or three soldiers a day, which makes the odds for my command pretty bad. I know I will lose soldiers; it's not something that I can hide from, or try to deny.

I know that the soldiers that die under my command will leave behind wives, children and mothers and fathers. They will leave behind brothers, sisters, and many friends who love them and will feel great pain and grief.

I just stand in awe of all the grief that my base has been through. We have lost about 100 soldiers from the various units at my stateside duty station, and more are being lost everyday.

I am going again and I might not come back. If I die in Iraq I will leave behind a wife and three children who will not have a father and mentor. It is hard enough having to leave them again; I just hope it's not forever.

With great regards for your work,
Captain Courage
REAL NAME REMOVED TO PROTECT THE IDENTITY OF THE SOLDIER

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Letter from ussargeoif1

http://groups.google.com/...

Jay Shaft,

I saw you were looking for vets of Iraq with PTSD and you were also looking for soldiers who were going to deploy for additional duty in Iraq. I am responding to both of your requests, because I am a vet with PTSD who has been mobilized for another combat tour in Iraq.

If you can keep my name and details to yourself then I am willing to speak to you. I will only talk to you if you are able to ensure the privacy and confidentiality of what I say to yourself. I know you will publish this somewhere but you can't put out my name or any unit info when you write it up.

I'm sure you have had to do this with other soldiers, because I have looked you up and found the stuff you have already written about. I don't know if you'll publish this letter, but I hope so. I need to get it off my chest and let the people at home know what we are going through.

It is against regulations to speak out in public, on message boards or in e-mails, or to speak to the press about any negative feelings or questions we might have about going back to Iraq. I have to be careful what I tell my family and friends because there is always something they consider vital to mission security or operations.

The truth is all I am worried about right now. No one seems to be willing to listen to us soldiers who have been over there and then come home. We want to tell them to send someone else, but we can't say that in public or where anyone might hear it and report us.

I am redeploying for my second tour in Iraq and I am not real happy about it. In fact I'm quite angry that they are sending me back. I have been away from my family for almost three of the last five years, and I've had enough. Even though I'm fed up with it I can't refuse to go back. No way am I becoming a C.O. (conscientious objector) and doing time in Leavenworth. That's even worse than going back to Iraq.

You wanted some details about troops with PTSD. Okay, I can answer some questions for you.

I have PTSD that would probably qualify for at least 50% disability and maybe as much as 100%. They won't let me get through all the steps to get into the system and qualify me as having PTSD significant enough to be unable to perform my duty. I know I have it real bad, but they keep giving me the run around.

I feel I am unfit for combat. If I have to be completely honest I would be a danger to anyone serving with me. I am in no way capable of going back to Iraq and conducting operations for another year. There is no possible way I could do my duty in a normal manner, I am just having too many problems that will diminish my capacity in the field.

I am all messed up in the head and I am suffering from depression and other mental problems. I don't think I am fit to serve combat duty, but I could manage to do a non-combat job, because I have been doing all right for the last year. I can do my job as long as I am not involved with combat or high-risk operations. I think it would be a mistake on the part of the Army to expect other men to serve with me when they know I have reported my problems too many times to count. They hear it but they don't really want to listen to it.

I am sure the Army could find me a duty assignment somewhere where my problems would not endanger the men around me. I have to be honest about how dangerous I am to those around me, because I would expect any other soldier to have the same respect for my life. I wouldn't want to serve with someone who was not operating at max efficiency so why would I expect someone else to serve with me if I am not 100% fit and ready to go?

I have complained to my superiors but I was pretty much ignored and saw the complaints pushed away when they came up. The Army wants me in Iraq and fighting and I do not want to do that. I don't want to be the one who got other soldiers killed or hurt. I keep telling them I am having problems and they send me to three day or short term counseling and then try to hide it under the rug.

I know of about 75 men in my battalion and about 200 in the brigade who have some kind of PTSD or are having readjustment issues or other problems. Some guys have beaten their wives or kids because they were so angry and fucked up from Iraq. I know about three guys who tried to kill themselves after they came home, and there were two in our brigade that killed themselves in Iraq.

As a unit we are good to go, but there are some of us who are not operating at full capacity. This is going to get some of our guys killed, and I think the Army knows it and doesn't care. I hope that I won't get anyone killed, but what happens the first time someone does get killed. Will I blame myself for it, even if it wasn't my fault? I probably will, because I blame myself for some of the deaths from my first tour.

Aw, hell, there are always more troops you can send over to maintain the unit strength. There is always a young kid ready and willing to go and serve his country, but are they really willing to die for it? Maybe they are, but I am no longer willing to die in Iraq for a war gone wrong in every way it can.

If I was defending us here at home against terrorists I would be glad to lay down my life, but not in Iraq. It's about protecting Americans at home, not by fighting and dying in some godforsaken shit hole desert country. I would die to protect this country, no doubts, but it is not keeping us safe to die in Iraq.

I had hell in Iraq the whole time I was there. It was rough and unless you've been there you just can't understand. There's no way for a civilian to understand the stress and constant state of alertness that you live with.  Only another combat soldier can relate to how it really is.

I know 26 soldiers who died and about 250 who got wounded and evaced out of country. I saw at least 300-400 get minor injuries and return to duty that same day or in a few days after they were hurt.  I thank God I made it back alive but this whole thing about going back just pisses me off.

We lost a lot of guys in the first tour, a lot of them that I knew. We had our Brigade Command Sergeant Major get killed along with his driver. It really hurt me because I knew the CSM and he was a great guy who put it all on the line for his soldiers. He died doing what he loved and he had done it all his life.

I had bad problems dealing with the ones who were killed, it really left a hole in my heart. I thought I could take it, but it really got to me and I reported PTSD to my commander. I got the typical three day combat PTSD deal and then was sent back to my unit.

One of the E-7's was like, shut up and get over it. I almost kicked his ass but that wouldn't have done me any good. I took a lot of shit for not being able to deal with it, but I had the right to request counseling. If it was affecting my ability to perform in combat then I needed to report it and deal with it the right way.

Shoving the pain down deep inside only works for a little while. After a certain point you can't push anything more into the hole deep inside yourself, then you have to vent or else you'll go crazy. I know there were lots of other guys who sought out counseling, and some of them had to be sent home because they were so fucked up.

Seeing combat over a long period of time really fucked me up mentally. We were hit with everything, IEDs, RPGs, mines, small arms fire, you name it and they hit us with it. You never knew when it was coming or who would get it. It was constant fear and stress, day after day.

So I'm going back again, damn them fuckers it's just not fair. I did my time over there, let them send someone who hasn't already gone over.

Well I guess I can't go AWOL so I have no options but to gear up and go. After we leave will be in Kuwait for several weeks training with the new up armor Humvees and the go to our AO (area of operations) in Iraq.  I know it's going to be hardest before we get to Iraq. Being close to the actions but separated from it will be hell to deal with. To hear about attacks and deaths in our assigned AO will be scary. The combat stress and fear will slowly build up even before we get to our FOB (Forward Operating Base).

We are going into a hot zone with a high amount of attacks on the patrols and convoys. I just saw that 6 guys were killed around there just the other day and at least 20 have been killed in the area in the last month. We will have the newer 1114 series humvees or so they say. I hope we get `em because the 1025s and 1043s with the added armor are really unsafe.

That scares the shit out of me, because over the last few months the insurgents have stepped up the number of attacks, and they are using bigger and badder IEDs. You know your vehicle is going to get hit, it's not a question of if you'll get hit, it's a question of when.

The last time around I was riding a M998 humvee with armored doors and windshield that were placed on the vehicle when we first arrived in country. We had the M1025s and 1043s, but I wasn't in one right away, there just weren't enough to go around. I know we are getting the new up armor hummers because we are in a high security patrol area and need the extra armor because of all the attacks. We will be doing a lot of scout missions and other high risk duties that will put us right in IED alley.

Even though we are getting the up armors, I have seen a lot of problems with them. The up armored humvees are slow as shit, difficult to maintain, have steering problems, and are easy to tip over. I have seen some of them tip over and some guys got hurt or killed when they were riding the gunner's turret.

I have seen the 1043s get hit with IEDs and the armor is just not enough. I've seen what happens when one is hit with a 155mm round IED at short range. Whoever's on that side dies or gets wounded so bad they die later. It happened to one of my best friends, it happened to a Lieutenant and a Captain at the FOB right down the street from us, and I saw it happen to at least 10 guys we were on patrol with.

I was in one of the 1043s that got hit and even the supplemental armor was not going to stop that 155mm round. We got hit bad and our driver was killed instantly. The guy riding shotgun lost his eye and parts of his hands and feet, and got torso wounds that almost killed him right there. I got a few chunks of shrapnel in my face and hands, but I was real lucky to be behind the doorpost, which absorbed most of the blast. The other two guys in the vehicle didn't get hurt at all just shaken up.

Actually I was glad to be in the 1043, because if we had been riding the 998 or 1025 we would all have been dead or out of action for good. That's why we are getting the best new hummers, but this doesn't justify the reasons that any soldier should have to go without the up armored vehicles, proper body armor, and things like that

When we get to Iraq we will know exactly which parent unit will be our actual commanding unit. Of course we will have our own HHC (Head Quarters Company) but we will be under the command of whatever larger unit we are assigned to. Depending on where we are needed we could stay with the rest of the 101st or be assigned to any number of other units like 1st Cav or 3rd ID or even with the Marines if they need us.

Our normal duty will consist of mounted patrols, battalion quick reaction force missions, manning observation posts, MSR sweeps, traffic checkpoint searches, and maintaining other checkpoints and security ops. Of course nothing is normal about Iraq, so you never know what you will be doing or if you will be in a fire fight or see some kind of action.

I don't know if I am coming back home and it scares the piss out of me. I might come home but be wounded and not able to live a normal life. I've seen the guys who lost limbs and had brain damage. It's not pretty and  it's got to fuck up their families.

Well I have said what I needed to. I hope it makes some kind of difference, but if it was just me bitching, so be it. After all I have been through I am entitled to bitch. The ones who will say I am disgracing my service can go fuck themselves. This is my nightmare and I WILL talk about it. I don't care who doesn't like it, fuck `em!

Wait another year and then you'll see how many soldiers have long lasting mental problems. It will get to be like after Vietnam when all those soldiers finally realized they had big problems.

We cannot forget the last two years in Iraq have been a total disaster and it has fucked up a lot of lives, both civilian and military. Our soldiers will be facing this for years to come. Look at how long some of the Nam vets have been suffering, over 30 years and still no relief.

You can never be the same again, it is all in how you deal with it.

After I get to my AO and settle in I will write to you, or try to because of the risk of getting caught. I want to be able to get letters out there for people to read. I have seen some that soldiers sent home and it made me think that I could do it to.

I'll be in touch if I can. I really want to try and keep you updated on anything that happens to us. I will talk to you when I get back so you can interview me. I am sure if I make it I will have one hell of a story to tell.

AIRBORNE!
PS-Please don't let my unit info get out or I am in deep shit.

NAME REMOVED TO PROTECT THE INDENTITY OF THE SOLDIER
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Letter # 3

From warsucks
http://groups.google.com/...

RE: LOOKING TO INTERVIEW OIF/OEF VETS WITH PTSD OR TRAUMATIC INJURIES

Jay Shaft,

I was sent a copy of your request to interview OIF vets. I was part of OIF2 from **** 2003-December 2003-then back for more until around April 2004. I was wounded and I also have a very bad case of PTSD. I can't get the Army to admit that I have a disabling amount of PTSD and it has been very hard to get counseling or any treatment for it.

I am not to sure about writing to you, but I'll take a chance. What can they do, send me back to Iraq? I am going again so there's nothing they can really do to me, It's just my family I am worried about, I can deal with the heat if they find out about me, but my family can't get hurt. I need the housing benefits and the family benefits we get because I am serving this country.

The problem is those who speak up are harshly punished for it and pay the price for speaking up. We get in trouble while the ones who made us this way carry on as if nothing ever happened.  I have seen that first hand and have been in trouble already for criticizing Bush and the Pentagon's civilian assholes. I know of some guys who wrote home and told the truth. They got so much shit that I don't think they wrote anything else the whole time in Iraq.

I have been having a lot of problems dealing with some events that took place over in Iraq, and just a couple of months ago my brother and three high school friends deployed to the same AO I used to be at. His unit is taking heavy casualties and I am probably redeploying to the same AO myself. It scares me, but I might be able to see my brother every day. It has been hard being separated and seeing the news about his AO and the rest of the FOBs in hot zones that are getting heavy action.

I guess only another vet or soldier there right now could relate to my shit. It is the soldiers who did it who can relate to this kind of problem, not the civilians. We have to explain it to them to make them realize the cost of this war on the minds of those fighting it. They need to get the whole picture that is there, not just the parts the media and the government lets them see.

I can't relate to anyone that isn't in the military. Everything I think about brings back the horrors of Iraq. Things were so much clearer there; you didn't have to think about it, you just did what needed to be done. Now I have to think about things all the time, and it is simple stuff but I can't do it. My thought patterns are all fucked up.

I am scared because I have a three month old daughter, and I don't know if I'll be coming back to see her. I have two sons and they are both under 10. My sons watched me leave once, now they will have to go through another year or more separated from their dad. My wife was almost ready to divorce me before I knew I had to redeploy.

This is hurting my family because I have to leave again and they worry about me all the time. I haven't been able to talk to my kids the right way. I have pushed them away so that they didn't see all the pain and shit I was going though.  I didn't think I was going back, so I just knew I had plenty of time to get my shit straight, and then deal with my kids.

Now I don't have that chance because I just didn't get things accomplished like I thought I would. If I die over there then all this shit will be unresolved and be forever part of what they remember about their daddy. I don't want them to remember me as the fucked up man who came home for a year and was yelling and freaking out all the time. I don't want them to remember me that way, as just coming home and then leaving again and not coming back.

When I was over there I was always waiting for the next I.E.D or attack. I still expect to be attacked every time I walk outside or drive around in the car. I am always ready to jump out and take cover or to react with evasive moves with the car. I scared the shit out of my wife so much that I don't drive unless I am going somewhere alone.

I am drinking heavily and taking enough pills to kill Elvis. I just can't sleep unless I have passed out, and even then I wake up most of the time screaming and yelling or jumping out of bed and trying to hide under it.

When I was in Iraq the attacks and expectation of dying were what I probably had the most trouble with. I was in several attacks and survived a few roadside bombs and IEDs. I almost died in one attack I have to tell you about.

I was in a cargo truck that got attacked by insurgents. We were in a supply convoy and were almost to our FOB when they jumped us. We never saw it coming and I can't remember all the details even now. They hit the back of my truck with an RPG and then opened fire on us with AKs.  

When the RPG hit us it knocked me out for a few minutes. I was half awake and going in and out of consciousness but I was still aware of all the shit going on around me. I heard the bullets hitting the cab of the truck and felt the shrapnel and fragments hitting all over my body. Before I fully awoke, I heard another couple gunshots and figured that he got my driver as well. I came to and saw the fuckers shooting my driver, who had tried to pull himself out of the cab and return fire.

They killed three of us that day and wounded four more. I still wake up screaming and covered in sweat when I have that dream. I saw several more soldiers get killed after that, but it wasn't the same because I was able to shoot back at the assholes. That one attack was the hardest thing I went through over there because I was helpless the whole time they were attacking us.

I think the troops need to write home about the things that go on over in Iraq. They need to tell the people about the problems, such as the government not getting the proper equipment to protect our troops.

While the assholes argue and debate over whether we're beating the insurgents or if they're almost defeated, troops are still dying. They want to argue about whether they have enough civilian contractors and other such inconsequential stuff. The troops still don't have enough up-armored hummers and a lot of them are using 10-15 year old equipment that the last unit in their AO left behind.

We had to have at least 10 people lost in our unit before we got some up-armored Humvees, and there were never enough for everyone. But that's only the opinion of someone who spent 16 months over there. I probably don't know shit because I am just a common line soldier. Only the civilians and generals can have an expert opinion, they won't give the grunts a voice in this debate.

I needed to get some of this out, it feels a little better now. Maybe there is a soldier out there who has figured out how to deal with PTSD or whatever the hell all this is, but I am still trying to find my way of dealing with it. I will be dealing with this for a long time. Going back now will just make it all the harder to face when I get back. It will just add more misery to the pain I am already facing.
Hey, it sucks to admit I got fucked up over there, but I'm not alone. I will never be "normal", but I'm alive, and I hope I can stay alive to work it out and get better. No one understands what really happened there, except those who went through it.
I never hid from my job in the war, nor turned my back on my duties. I'm proud to have served my country, but this whole war pisses me off and makes me so mad I want to punch Bush.

Everything was so much simpler in Iraq, or that's what I tell myself anyway.
I WISH THEY COULD JUST END THIS WAR RIGHT NOW!

Wish me luck and pray for me to come home safe,
WAR SUCKS WHEN IT HAS NO CAUSE OR ENDING!

GOD BLESS AMERICA
OOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! AIRBORNE!!!!!!!!

Tags: Iraq, troops, withdrawal, KIA, WIA, george w. bush, war, anti-war, truth (all tags) :: Previous Tag Versions

Permalink | 33 comments

  •  Thank you. (4.00 / 8)

    Jay, thank you for doing this.  It's becoming clear there will be many, many emerging stories and letters like these by the time it's all over.

    I hope your work here serves to hasten the "over."

    Recommended.

  •  First two links aren't working... (4.00 / 2)

  •  Thank you (4.00 / 5)

    Jay for taking on this task.  After reading the letters, you get a much better understanding of the hell these brave soldiers face constantly.  It is unconscionable that military and governmental leaders continue to abuse our heroic soldiers by forcing them to stay there so long, then making them re-deploy, leaving their families again and again.  I too am extremely frustrated with the corporate media spin that doesn't report what's really going on.  Tonight I heard on two separate "Nightly News" stations Bush's repetitious, same old tired propaganda:  that U.S. forces will draw down as soon as the situation stabilizes.  Of course he doesn't define stabilize.  But, I fear the situation will never stabilize.  In fact, it seems more soldiers are getting killed than ever before.  There is no good way out of this immoral, illegal, quagmire; so I honestly believe we should do what Senator Murtha suggested, and start our withdrawal NOW. Get every single last American soldier out of there immediately. It's difficult to hear the pain from these soldiers, but it is our responsibility to listen.

    "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Edmund Burke

    by rlharry on Sun Nov 27, 2005 at 04:22:34 PM PDT

  •  Writing methodology (4.00 / 2)

    I'm in awe of all the people who have seen combat in Iraq.  I'd die for every one of them too.

    I'd like to make one nitpick, however.  A piece of writing is much easier to read and understand if it follows the "intro-body-conclusion" methodology of writing.  I abandoned the first story above because the point became much too difficult to follow.  Had it made a proper introduction with points, followed by supporting arguments and a solid conclusion, it would have mad much more impact on the reader.

    For any prospective writers, and those who are writing now, I suggest any book that covers the MLA writing standards.  Or, just google "MLA". It's a great place to start for aspiring writers of any kind.

    Kudos to my comrades fighting in Iraq!  Blessings and remembrance to the fallen ones...

    •  Please don't nitpick, then. (none / 1)

      Not to be mean.  Is it possible to delete?  Honestly.  Think about it.

      We don't have time for short-term thinking.

      by Compound F on Sun Nov 27, 2005 at 05:31:36 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  What? (none / 0)

        You want to delete my message?

        Well, go ahead, if you really feel the need to censor the words of those you don't agree with...

        •  You shouldn't have the message censored (none / 0)

          but the message is just plain stupid, and after some reflection you can't figure out why it's so stupid, you have some serious problems.

          When I first read your comment, I thought it was joke.  Frankly, I'm just embarrased by it.  

          •  All hot air (none / 0)

            How quaint.  Your response was nothing but a personal attack.

            Instead of telling me how ignorant I am, why don't you make some valid points against my statement?  Is it because I actually had a valid point?  Two of the respondents to this thread have agreed that these writing could have used some editing.

            It's far too easy to sit back behind the comfort of your computer keyboard and hurl insults at people like myself.

            How about forming a rational argument against my post?  I'd be much more apt to listen to you.  Instead, I've already written you off as an intolerant loon who's attitude only damages the left wing movement.  

            Grow up, and learn how to address rational discourse properly.  If you want to fling poop, I'm sure there's a zoo nearby you that has a chimpanzee display...

        •  It's the superficiality, Stupid (none / 0)

          I don't believe it's an issue of agreeing or disagreeing with your words.  You seem to have stuffed a big, fat, silk slipper into your mouth. Compound F was suggesting that you may wish to remove it along with those foolish rose colored glasses.

          Yeah, you're right, what  these soldiers need to be concerned with right NOW is googling up a refresher course on MLA standards - in their spare time.  But what they REALLY need is another reason for feeling too intimidated to speak out.  

          Personally, I found all three letters compelling. I had no intention of being on here this long, but the soldiers letters gripped me and wouldn't let me walk away.  I hope to see more and I hope they continue to be written in the unhampered style of the individual hero who has the story to tell.  

          "Fear not the path of truth for the lack of people walking on it." Robert F. Kennedy

          by enough already on Sun Nov 27, 2005 at 10:53:43 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  Very mature, I might add... (none / 0)

            ...calling people stupid.

            Generally, when one has a good argument, one pounds on the facts.  When one doesn't have facts, they pound on the table, like you just did.  

            Leveling ad-hominem attacks is the weakest form of argument known.  Trying to censor someones words because you don't agree, well, that's fascist -- exactly your accusations against the right wing.

            <sarcasm>
            Congratulations for rising above it all...
            </sarcasm>

    •  I'm an editor (4.00 / 9)

      and I have to edit manuscripts with these kinds of problems all the time--many by previously published authors. It's hard enough for writers to write the way they should, so I don't think it's fair to put that kind of onus on these soldiers who are just trying to get their feelings out.

      If Jay wants to lightly edit the letters, or get someone else to do it, before publication, that would be a better way to go than to try to get the soldiers to write perfect essays.

    •  Yes, of course, if you're a jounalist. (4.00 / 4)

      Intro:

      However, these "writers" are soldiers. And have spent a great deal of their time training on other things than the "intro, body, conclusion" methodology.

      Body:

      As these soliders face their reintroduction into Iraq, I seriously doubt their motivation is "reader friendly." It is more "survival."

      As indicated within each letter, every soldier requested anominity, due to serious repercussions they faced, and they bravely discussed what they witnessed during a war.

      Conclusion:

      Our soldiers need to come home now.

    •  The last thing these guys need is a writing lesson (none / 0)

      It takes years of practice to learn how to stand back and watch over the process of being honest with yourself.  

      I wouldn't screw with it.  

      The first letter does go around a bit, but it has a beauty to it.  What it shows is an active mind trying to figure out something irreconcilable.

      Maybe the diarist can help solve the problem you have brought up by changing places between the first and the third letters to make the overall diary a bit more effective.  After getting through the emotional roller coaster of the other two, then the MP officer's letter could be like an elegy.

      I would definitely resist the temptation to edit the letters or to counsel anybody on writing technique.  People write for a lot of different reasons.

      I'll say this, though, from the third letter, is about the most powerful thing I've ever read anywhere:

      If I die over there then all this shit will be unresolved and be forever part of what they remember about their daddy. I don't want them to remember me as the fucked up man who came home for a year and was yelling and freaking out all the time. I don't want them to remember me that way, as just coming home and then leaving again and not coming back.
    •  When I posted the message it got messed up (none / 0)

      When I copied it from my files I had some kind of hidden HTML that made the whole message intro and first few paragraphs get deleted or scrambled into goop.

      I did a preview and everything worked alright. Now that I look it all over I will correct some formating errors and other things that got messed up.

      I was on someone else's computer last night and was rushing to get the whole thing posted before he had to leave for the airport.

      I am releasing the final formated version of this post a little bit later today. At the time I was just glad it even got posted because it did not take the links, and about half the cut and paste during my first attempts.

      One hour of making it pretty and tweaking it just right, and you can see here technology left me shaking my head and wanting to kill the computer.

      I have seen some recent posts about the KOS site having some difficulties and formating problems. I think I was a victim of the electro gremlins.

      I will just re-edit this original post and no one will ever know that I (a professional editor and copy writer)messed up and failed to catch my own errors.

      As a mainstream media friend of mine says, it is always  mistake to final edit your own work without letting another writer or editor look it over.

      I never even capped the middle of my tirade against the naysayers. Somehow that got goofed as well.

      Live and learn, as life is about experience making us a better person.

      Jay Shaft

      PS- THE AUDIO FILES DO DOWNLOAD, IT JUST TAKES A FEW MINUTES AT TIMES DUE TO HIGH VOLUME TRAFFIC. I WILL SUPPORT THE FILES TO A DIFFERENT SITE LATER SO THAT IT CAN HANDLE THE TRAFFIC. IF YOU CAN NOT GET THE FILES TO OPEN, WAIT A FEW MINUTES AND THEN TRY AGAIN.

       

  •  Sad (none / 1)

    It' just so sad our great leaders are doing this to our kids.This war has to stop!
  •  I suppose there are so few comments (4.00 / 2)

    because readers are rendered speechless by the inexcusable exploitation of our military personnel.

    The war itself is unjust.  Chronic redeployment  violates any reasonable notion of "having served," and is simply used by this despicable administration as a crutch to avoid instituting a draft that would cause this war to end by broad public dissatisfaction NOW.  So, many Americans, Republicans and Democrats alike, still appear to be witholding dissent at the expense of those who defend them.  The lack of material support and piss poor medical treatment should be considered war crimes of gross negligence.  I opposed the war, wrote stern letters, protested, tried recruiting people to do the same, and continue doing those useless things, to some self-jeopardizing extent, but nothing has yet fulfilled my responsibility to get our military personnel out of that mind-destroying, meat-grinding horror show.  

    We don't have time for short-term thinking.

    by Compound F on Sun Nov 27, 2005 at 05:23:53 PM PDT

  •  Jay, (4.00 / 3)

    I found your website when I clicked on your name. I'm really glad I found it.  I want to send these letters around to my friends, and to urge them to send them on.
    I've found that Republicans won't take anything from dKos seriously, so I am using your site as the URL.  (Heck, they look at Krugman's name on an email I send and say, OH no, he's biased, I won't read that.)
    Anyway...Please let the soldiers with PTSD know that, as one found by writing to you, it feels better to get it out. And that's what the Vietnam vets found, and had many groups around the country...small groups, met often, anywhere. Just to talk to someone who had been in the war, and who could relate. It was the only thing that helped them.
    I want to hug these guys.
    You've done a great thing by asking them to write you and I appreciate your diary.

    War is not an adventure. It is a disease. It is like typhus. - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

    by Margot on Sun Nov 27, 2005 at 05:58:49 PM PDT

    •  Several folks are beginning to compile (4.00 / 3)

      lists of PSTD related occurrences.  In an effort to support the troops getting the care they need, these lists aim to bring light to the problem, but not dishonor those suffering from PSTD.

      If you can help with compiling incidents you may have read or heard about, consider adding them to the comments on ilona's commentary Returning Vet PSTD Incidents -- November Update

      •  Will do (none / 0)

        I have bookmarked the link to Ilona's update. The incidents; do they need to be first-hand accounts?  I ask because I am aware of some returned Iraq veterans here in town; does it matter if I talk to them and record their responses, or is it best to have them write it themselves?

        War is not an adventure. It is a disease. It is like typhus. - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

        by Margot on Sun Nov 27, 2005 at 07:52:42 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  Margot (none / 1)

          The lists so far have been mostly stories that have appeared in newspapers.  As many have noted in this thread, it can be very dangerous for these troops to speak out publically.  Also it can be trauma-inducing to relive these experiences by talking about them.  Whoever does so, should seek support before and during undertaking this task.
          •  You are right (none / 1)

            And I'm ashamed I had not thought of that. I won't initiate any conversations.  
            I'm remembering some Marines on a train when I was a teenager.  These guys had just come back from Vietnam, one with wounds.  They talked to me all the way across the country.  One kid (they were just a few years older than I was) told me about his encounter with a knife-wielding Viet Cong, over and over.  The other one was quieter and said he had a job all lined up. He eventually wrote me to say he was re-enlisting and I never heard from him after that.
            This is just too much.

            War is not an adventure. It is a disease. It is like typhus. - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

            by Margot on Sun Nov 27, 2005 at 09:44:45 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

  •  Let the third guy know ... (4.00 / 3)

    He should give a copy of his letter to his wife. Whether he does or does not return, she can give it to his children when they're old enough to understand. That way, he won't have to worry that they won't understand why he behaved the way he did during this year.
  •  Our esteemed SECDEF once said (4.00 / 2)

    that "people are fungible."

    "I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a democrat."--Will Rogers

    by soonergrunt on Sun Nov 27, 2005 at 06:38:22 PM PDT

    •  Jesus, (none / 0)

      what an asswipe he is.  

      In L.A. (and maybe his/her stuff was elsewhere, too), there was this anti-globalization leftie artist who specialized in making posters critiquing those in power, using ugly, unflattering images of the pols.  Facial blemishes would be exagerrated, and they would be given a leering countenance.

      There isn't  a single member of Bush's administration that needs to be caricatured in this way.  Their faces in ordinary photographs are already so contorted with hate that they already resemble the most pustulent, obscene, uglifying image that any caricaturist could throw at them.  

      Nothing requires a greater effort of thought than arguments to justify the rule of nonthought. -- Milan Kundera

      by Dale on Sun Nov 27, 2005 at 08:13:33 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  The links to the sound files... (none / 1)

    ...do not work, and I'm VERY curious to hear them. :-/

    Yo, Slappy: http://www.batemania.com

    by scottbateman on Sun Nov 27, 2005 at 06:51:48 PM PDT

  •  Thanks and a Suggestion (4.00 / 3)

    Thank you for posting these letters.  Many of us never have a chance to hear directly from the veterans.
    My only suggestion is that you might want to do a little bit more editing of some of the personal details.  All of the writers express concern about repercussions for speaking out. But if you put together all of the details in the first letter about about length of service, rank, redeployment date, family size & composition, and you had access to the military's databases, you could probably come up with a pretty close match.

    I know this sounds paranoid, but I work in a job where confidentiality is really important. And I wouldn't underestimate the Bush administration's fierce desire to control the spin.

    I think the stories would be just as powerful with a few details omitted or changed to protect privacy.

    Thanks again for your work, and many thanks to these vets for their courage.

    •  I strongly agree (none / 1)

      Please: take some details out.  I'd truly hate for anything else to happen to these guys.  Ages, sex of soldier, family size, anything; redact it.  

      War is not an adventure. It is a disease. It is like typhus. - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

      by Margot on Sun Nov 27, 2005 at 07:56:44 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Oddly enough (none / 0)

        I posted multiple diaries in the months before the election last year about my Marine nephew, including his first name, specific unit, and rank. He wanted me to use his name but I wasn't willing to go that far. He hasn't faced any repercussions, at least not yet. I am a bit worried about the new domestic spying capability that the Marine Corps, in particular, has developed (don't have the link at the moment, but it was an article from the past few days).

        One diary I posted, with John's comments, is here.

        I do not advise following our lead, by the way.

        Come see TV from the reality-based community at RealityBasedTV.com

        by MarkInSanFran on Sun Nov 27, 2005 at 09:18:25 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  My son's best friend (none / 0)

          Is a Marine who was also on the march to Baghdad. He came home and has since done a second tour. He's not reupping. I hope they don't call him back again.

          War is not an adventure. It is a disease. It is like typhus. - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

          by Margot on Sun Nov 27, 2005 at 09:28:55 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

      •  Read my latest reply to this exact thing. (none / 0)

        Not all the personal details are for real. I had the writers fudge around with some things to confuse and irritate the spooks and witch hunters.  

        The over all facts were never messed with, and their own words were editted by the WRITERS THEMSELVES when I decided to go to print with the letters.

        I have some very detailed experience with this from my past work doing off record interviews and publishing letters from Iraq.

        I will state that nothing but some age, familiy, deployment dates, and rank and unit information was played with.

        NO OTHER THINGS WERE CHANGED, AND IT WAS THE SOLDIER'S OWN DECISION ON WHAT TO CHANGE OR SLIGHTLY SKEW FOR THE FINAL PUBLICATION VERSION.

        Believe me when I say that even I could not find these guys through unit details after they changed things. I tried with the help of a very resourceful former info/intel officer for a military unit.

        We were not able to track back anyone from what is in the final letters. If it had been possible that intel freak would have stopped me from putting out the letters.

        Some things that could not be properly changed were taken out by the soldiers writing the letters after we went into the full details. It did not hurt the story as it was told, or else it created very minor issues that we were able to work out.

        That's pretty much it for that issue. It is not going to lead back to them, I have made sure of that.
         

    •  The detials were changed in subtle ways. (none / 0)

      If you were to see the unworked original letter you would see that we did change some minor details to confuse any snoopy DIA or pentagon intel spooks. I worked with the soldier directly, so it was his own things that he put in and changed himself before he left for duty.

      Also, he is not that concerned with  them finding him according to his last letter that he sent me. I have not put that out because I cannot properly remove or change the details without damaging the letter as a whole.

      I left his original letter as he wanted it, because he felt it had been changed enough to his satisfaction.

      I left it to his judgement and he knows what he did to it. I wanted to seriously rethink it upon reading it several times, but it was HIS choice to leave it the way he wanted it.

      I think he will be speaking out from Iraq as time goes on and he is changing his mind about the consequences as time gos on.

      I will have some more letters and updates from Iraq in his own words. I think he is getting pissed off enough to not care about the Pentagon or Army nailing him.

  •  THE AUDIO LINKS NOW WORK AGAIN! HOORAY! (none / 0)

    I just refreshed my links so the audio does work. It needs a little bit of time to load, but it does work.

    I will keep checking to make sure the links don't get overloaded.

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