To: Congressman Matthew Santos, D-TX
Subject: Your Lousy Presidential Campaign
From: Ed in Montana Campaign Consultants, Inc.
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Congressman, what in the world are you doing with your Don Qiuxote-type campaign for the presidency? You have already lost the Iowa Caucuses due to your lack of organization on the ground, even though you reluctantly took the ethanol pledge. Now you hope to break out of the pack of candidates (called the seven dwarves) in New Hampshire by trying a Hail Mary pass of a paid 60 second campaign commercial where you bemoan the lack of substance and honesty in presidential campaigns. Listen, Governor Howard Dean tried something like that in 2004, and we all know how far that got him.
Look, I've been involved in quite a few campaigns and here's some advice: It's time to bail and endorse one of the front runners like Vice-President Russell. You'll do more for your pet issues such as education and the democratic party. Congressman, you might look like a movie star, but you don't cut the mustard as presidential timber.
Now I admire a Texas democrat (from Houston, of all places) that has managed to be re-elected in the post Tom Delay redistricted world, but you are not playing to your strengths and you have too many weaknesses. First of all, if you have been in congress longer than six or seven years, you must have worked closely with former Vice-president Hoynes, who was a senator from Texas then. This will be brought out further in the campaign, if you stay in, and it can't be good. Vice-president Hoynes resigned amid a sordid sex scandal, and we know how the American public viewed Monicagate. Hoynes is toast by way because of this, but you'll be tarred by association, if you worked closely with him on the Texas congressional delegation.
And what is it with you pushing education as your main issue? Do you think you are a modern day Jimmy Carter? Presidential candidates don't push such soft issues as a main campaign theme. You need to be pushing national security and moral values, and mention Jesus at every other campaign stop to have a shot at the big time.
Congressman, you needed to bring up your military service firing away with the 20mm chain gun in a Bradley armored vehicle in a context other than bird hunting. Remember you always need to define yourself first before others define you and keep it up. See Swift Boat Liars, circa August 2004. By the way, I hope your military service records are clean and ready to plastered across the Internets.
I don't know why Josh Lyman convinced you, as a congressman, to run for the presidency. Congressmen never get elected President. Even great congressmen, like Mo Udall, D-AZ, fail in this quest. You should have run for the governor of Texas first to get more executive experience. But you listened to Josh anyway and got in the race, and then ignored most of his campaign advice. Josh may be somewhat of a fuck up when dealing with legislative matters, but he was the main man in helping Jed Bartlett get elected for two terms as president of the United States. Amy Gardner might know women's issues and congressional campaigns, but she's never run a race for the big time like Josh has. You should have listened to him and run the damn chicken commercial. Enough of this "I can't get my hands dirty" stuff. You sound like Al Gore in 2000.
Now I know you are sincere when you speak passionately about education. If you bail soon and endorse Vice-President Russell, you stand a good chance of being appointed as Secretary of Education in a Russell administration. Besides, Russell will be good for the democratic party and has the potential to be a great president. True, he is relatively new to the big time, having been a congressman from Colorado's western slope before being chosen as Bartlett's VP when Hoynes resigned, but that's a plus. The democrat's need new fresh faces from the West to move the party forward (like Governor Brian Schweitzer, D-MT), and Vice-president Russell fills the bill.
Besides Congressman, even if you win the democratic nomination by some fluke, you'll get trounced in the general by Senator Arnie Vinick, R-CA. He looks too much like Allan Alda.
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