Every time I receive one of those Nigerian swindler emails, I wonder just how many idiots are out there. I would hope, very few--maybe the bare minimum to keep the crooks in business.
But I fear I am wrong. Apparently idiots--and really, really dumb idiots--are far more prevalent than I had imagined. I base this fear on the latest fraud--one that makes Nigerian millionaires wanting to share their inheritances with me seem downright plausible.
Yes, I'm talking about "The War on Christmas."
(Cross posted from Foxy Digitalis.)
Example: Last week I flipped over to NBC News and there's Brian Williams talking about how Christmas is being persecuted around the nation. What?
But one might expect that from Brian after his recent interview with Bush.
(Synopsis of interview. BRIAN: Mr. President, some people say--not me or anyone at my network, or anyone I know, of course--but some people say, or reportedly say, that you live in a bubble, metaphorically speaking. BUSH: Uuuuuuuh, uuuuh, uuuuh, huh-uh. BRIAN: Fair enough, sir. ME: Hey Brian R. Murrow! So, tell us all; just what does President's arse taste like?)
On the other hand, I might expect a little more from Jay Leno, but last week he started out a joke with something about "I don't know who these nuts are...trying to ban Christmas...."
There's a reason you don't know, Jay. BECAUSE THEY DON'T FRIGGIN' EXIST!!! (By the way, is it just me, or did Leno stop being funny about the time Bob Hope died? My theory: Leno's body is possessed by the ghost of humor past.)
Anyway, I'm starting to think I'm loosing my mind, so I crank up my TIVOs of Keith Olbermann and Jon Stewart and they confirm that, yes indeed, Falwell and O'Reilly really are telling people to boycott stores that have signs saying "Happy Holidays" (instead of "Merry Christmas"), while, at the same time, the President's Christmas card says "Happy Holidays" and the Fox web site is selling O'Reilly "Happy Holiday" Christmas ornaments. (Which reminds me: If they ever sell O'Reilly Merry Christmas luffas, I'm going to swallow my principles and buy one.)
And a few minutes on Google reveals that the Republican Party passed House Resolution 579 to respect "traditional Christmas," right after passing bills to cut food stamps and billionaire taxes, all while the ice caps melt, the Amazon burns, and New Orleans mildews. (News flash. Apparently the President has wished New Orleans and global warming into the corn field. Problems solved.)
And might I add, this goes way beyond irony, and clear up to "there's a special place in hell for people who use Christmas to sow discord and soul corrupting victim-hood."
But when life gives you idiots, what to do? I say, enjoy. And here's a little trick I found.
Remember how, when you read a fortune cookie, it's more fun if you add the words "in bed"? Like:
- "You are going to meet a stranger (in bed)" or
- "You are a very popular person (in bed)" or
- "Help, I'm a prisoner in a Chinese fortune cookie factory (in bed)" or
- "You are going to have sex and catch herpes (in bed)"
Okay, it doesn't always work, but you get the idea. Anyway, the trick with the war on Christmas is to add the words "
in Bill O'Reilly's head."
So it becomes, "Tonight on Fox News, the War on Christmas (in Bill O'Reilly's head)." See? It puts it all in perspective and--I think--makes it just a little bit more bearable.
In fact, it gives me courage to look forward to the next O'Reilly make-believe campaign.
How do I know there will be a next? Let me explain. O'Reilly's show has grown perpetually more bizarre. It has finally reached the point where his guests and pundits are mostly a sad collection of miserable, degraded, publicity-slut losers, best categorized into the following three groups:
- Washed up toe-sucking has-beens.
- Washed up toe-sucking wannabes.
- The Bush cabinet.
O'Reilly himself has moved from being every divorced woman's first husband, to being your bachelor great uncle who lives on a farm with a one-eyed dog and spends every day talking to himself even when you go get him for Thanksgiving once a year.
Remember, this is the guy who "reported" as news the urban myth about Jane Fonda ratting out POWs to the North Vietnamese. Not only does he not "fact check," he doesn't even "fact." He just pulls "facturds" out of his saggy old butt as he goes along.
So there's not much he can do EXCEPT start another make-believe campaign. So get ready. Permit me to offer a few guesses on what you will hear coming out of your TV in the new year:
- Who's looking out for affluent, white, heterosexual males--other than Congress, the Supreme Court, the President, the media, and the Pope? Bill O'Reilly, that's who!
- Why are Hollywood liberals trying to force your children to talk ebonics? Hey bro! Yo best not dis O'Reilly or he be bustin' a Constitutional-Amendment-to-make-English-the-national-language cap on yo ass!
- Sex education in the public schools? With robots!!!? How come little Suzy has to bring a note from home to take an aspirin, but R2D2 gets to play doctor without you even knowing about it? And what does C3PO want with her gym clothes? Stay tuned America. Han O'Reilly Solo to the rescue!
- Why do secular humanists want to break into your homes, slap your wife and kids around, kick your dog, steal your flag, stomp on it, drag it down the street into your church, burn it on a bonfire made from crucifixes, Bibles and your own personal firearms, all at taxpayer expense, and while forcing your daughter to date interracial lesbians? O'Reilly is your only friend! Everyone else has betrayed you! The liberals have taken over and stabbed you in the back! Jesus and O'Reilly are the only ones you can trust!!! Honor the fatherland!!! Buy Factor gear NOW!!!
Notice a trend? No, I'm not actually saying O'Reilly has tertiary syphilis, but those familiar with some famous literary figures and Roman Emperors are getting a just a little bit concerned here. Curioser and curioser. So, let me be the first to predict that within 5 years (barring a strict regimen of antibiotics), we will be seeing the following campaigns on Fox News:
- Why are they trying to steal my bodily fluids? Must preserve them. Save them all! Jars, damnit! Bring me jars! More jars!
- Stop! No! Don't touch the legs. Listen to me, man! They are made of glass! Glass I say!
- Ooooo. (Drool.) Shiny. (Drool.) Ever so shiney. (Drool.)
And remember, "
in Bill O'Reilly's head." And a merry Christmahanakwanzaka to you all!