You know, Christmas cards, wedding invites, (and the occasional late night drunken booty call.) Still I was shocked when he called me earlier today to arrange for me to conduct an exclusive interview on his frank and unexpurgated thoughts on this whole mess. But what do you say when a President orders you to come over to the office "on the double" and bring a bottle!
You say "Why not?" So I did. And here's the interview. And by the way, he really thinks you kossacks are doing a heckuva job, and says you should keep up the good work!
Me: Hi George. Thanks for the invite. I hope we can still be pals even though you're a meglomaniac now.
GWB: Ah I luv ya.. And all your fuckin' diaries at daily dose. You terrorist lovin liberal, you. (gives me noogies .) And by the way, I think Jeff Feldman is wrong. There is no fucking problem with swear words. I personally use them all the time with my staff, and I tell you, they get big results.
Me: I'll let him know that. Ok my first question: Why did you tell the NSA to do secret wiretaps of Americans?
GWB: We have consulted with members of the Congress over a dozen times . . . There is oversight.
Me: Ah so they discussed the plan with other Senators and their staff before they approved it, huh?
GB: No, the Senators we briefed were sworn to secrecy. We would have arrested them, (or at least smeared them, heh) if they had squealed.
Me: Ok, OK, But you got approval, right? I mean you said oversight. So I guess that means they could have turned the plan down.
GWB: No actually, I don't need their approval. I was just being nice when I said that about oversight because I'm a nice guy. I kinda hated to break it to the Senate Intelligence dudes that they are useless losers y'know.
See, 'berto explained how the constitution lets me order anyone to do anything. I mean I am the President after all. I can do whatever I want if I think it makes our country safe. ...Including poking out your eye with this pencil if I felt like it. Not that I would! Cause I'm definitely not a sadist!
Me: Hey, calm down. you know I like you George, I always trusted you since you beat up that guy who ratted to the teacher on me in 6th grade for putting itching powder on her seat.
GWB: heh, heh. wipes tears of laughter away That one still cracks me up!
Me: But why should all Americans feel like me?
GWB: Look. I am the President. I trust me, right? and I trust the NSA. So you should trust me when I say trust them.
Heck, There's a bunch of good guys over at the NSA and if two NSA agents think some American deserves to be spied on, well that's good enough for me. Because this is all to protect you from certain death by terrorists, Like that rat who told on you Bosco, see..?
Me: Wow that's good. Death. I bet Bill Clinton wishes he thought of that one huh? Y'know, that he couldn't talk about the blowjob cuz he had to protect Americans from certain death..
GWB: Heh, heh. Yeah I bet he feels pretty dumb! heh. Yeh, the death threat works every time. Worked on you huh? I mean right now when I said that thing about *certain death*? gotcha didn't I?
Me: Yeah, you got me there George! But wasn't there a law passed by Congress in 1978? The "Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act" which says that if you wiretap in the US without a warrant you get felony time.. Like 5 years or something..
GWB: Nah, man that law is quaint, like all that anti-torture bullshit. It's unconstitutional.
Me: But the constitutional question was decided by the Supremes in 1972 right? This thing went before the court then.. Nixon had a really good Jewish lawyer, Wineglass.
He said that with all the riots and bombs in the 70's etc.. that Nixon needed to wiretap Americans without warrants, but the Supreme Court said *"fuck you"* to him. That it was still unconstitutional.
GWB: Speaking of wineglass is that Shiraz you're drinking? Could you pour me just a spot? AH. Look Bosco here's the deal. THAT WAS THEN THIS IS NOW. Personally, I just love the Supreme court, they are doing a heckuva job, Don't you think? I mean look where they've got me. (Bush motions around the oval office.)
Do you think they'd let me down now? Not a chance. Scalia, Scalito, Thomas, Roberts. I just love those guys. I trust them to do the right thing when it comes time, (Bush winks)
Me: Ok, I see sir. So this wouldn't make them activist judges, y'know, overruling congress and judicial precedence, then?
GWB: Not when they're on the right side of an issue, heh, heh. And by the way thats a pretty good shiraz..I bet its a 2003 Two Hands Mclaren Vale?
Me: Wow Pres, you rock. For someone who doesn't drink you have an excellent nose for wine.
GWB: Heh, heh. Ok, now get outta here.. Git! And go tell all your commie friends they got nothin' on me, and by the way... I am not a crook!
Me: No sir.
GWB: Oh, I almost forgot to tell ya. I taped all this. Just in case. Cause I have enemies. I didn't have to tell you that I taped it you know. I just told you for old times sake.
Me: Yes.. those were good times.
GWB: Cuz I'm a nice guy, right?
Me: Right, sir.
Well, folks truth is stranger than fiction these days. Pretty much all of what I got here is real.
The Supreme Court scenario comes from the Democracy now show from yesterday, where Amy G. interviews Martin Garbus, Christopher Pyle, and James Bramford.
I also highly recommend Bruce Schneier on the topic. For those not in the biz, he is a brilliant top-rated computer security expert, who also writes on privacy issues.
And lest you think this is really a laughing matter. Yah I believe BushCo is snug in their beds at a deus ex machina redemption by the Supreme Court. You can read this article in which Cheney, glib on the issue of the necessity for "a strong president", unfettered by oversight by congress et al says:"That issue (secrecy on energy plans)was litigated all the way up to the Supreme Court and we won."
To finish, here's a quotation I lifted from Schneier:
"Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves." -- William Pitt, House of Commons, 11/18/1783.