From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
C&J raises the white flag to Bill O'Reilly...
Okay Bill...you win. Your daily assaults in your war on the War on Christmas have broken our resolve to abolish the holiday and crush Christianity under our godless Birkenstocks. And we can think of no better atonement than recounting the tale of a wondrous visit to a humble stable so many years ago in Bethlehem...
Mother: Who are you?!!
Wise Man #1 We are three wise men.
Mother: What?
Wise Man #2 We are three wise men.
Mother: Well what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at 2 O'clock in the morning?? That doesn't sound very wise to me.
Wise Man #3 We are astrologers.
Wise Man #1 We have come from the east.
Mother: Is this some kind of joke?
Wise Man #1 We wish to praise the infant.
Wise Man #3 We must pay homage to him.
Mother: Homage? You're drunk! It's disgusting. Out!! Bursting
in here with tales about oriental fortune tellers. Come on...Out!
Wise Man #1 No No, we must see him!
Mother: Go and praise someone else's brat. Go on!
Wise Man #1 We were led by a star.
Mother: Lead by a bottle more like! Go on...out!
Wise Man #1 But we must see him, we have brought presents.
Mother: Out!!
Wise Man #1 Gold, frankincense, myrrh...
Mother: Well! Why didn't you say so? He's over there. Sorry the place is a bit of a mess. So you're astrologers are you? Well, what is he then?
Wise Man #2 Hmm?
Mother: What star sign is he?
Wise Man #2 Uh...Capricorn.
Mother: Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
Wise Man #2 He is the son of God! Our messiah!
Wise Man #1 King of the Jews!
Mother: So that's Capricorn, is it?
Wise Man #2 No no no...that's just him!
Mother: Ahhh, I was gonna say...otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
Wise Man #1 By what name are you calling him?
Mother: Uh...Brian.
Wise Men Together We worship you, oh Brian who art Lord over us all. Praise unto you Brian, and to the lord, our father. Amen.
Mother: You do a lot of this then?
Wise Man #2 What?
Mother: This praising...?
Wise Man #2 No, no...
Mother: Well, if you're dropping by again, do pop in, eh? And thanks a lot
for the gold, and frankincense...but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time, all right? Good bye! Well, weren't they nice. Out of their bloody minds...
---From Monty Python's Life of Brian
On second thought I changed my mind. Happy Holidays, Fartface! Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 23, 2005
Note: In honor of Festivus, C&J'ers will be dismissed at noon. Buy your aluminum pole here and then commence your Airing of the Grievances below. From all of us to all of you and your loved ones: "Serenity Now!!"
-
By the Numbers:
Days `til Christmas 2006: 367
Days `til July 4th: 193
Billboard chart position of I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus on this date in 1952: #1
Chart position of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer on this date in 1952: #2
Chart position of White Christmas on this date in 1952: #3
Days the federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,409
Days spent at terror alert level Green or Blue: 0
-
Your Puppy Pic of the Day: Big Mack: "Whaddya mean the reindeer just went on strike??!"
-
CHEERS to brown-bag justice. Wal-Mart just got fined $172 million for not giving thousands of workers their lunch breaks. The company agreed to fork over the money only after they learned of punishment option B: 30 days on a diet of nothing but Lunchables.
JEERS to fucked up priorities. A day after the Senate slashed $40 billion in funds for education, health care and safety-net programs, the House passed a military spending bill totaling---you have got to be s-h-i-t-t-i-n-g me---half a trillion clams!! Which explains why all the senior executives at Halliburton and Lockheed-Martin came to work with an extra pair of Fruit-of-the-Looms in their briefcases.
CHEERS to famous first lines. On December 23, 1776, Thomas Paine wrote: "These are the times that try men's souls." No shit, Sherlock.
DOUBLE CHEERS to people who work on Christmas. Police, fire, medical, electric, national security, rum distilleries...you know who you are. If you're not getting at least double pay and comp time, your employer gets a one-way ticket to the nearest Young Republicans Convention (or is that just too cruel?).
JEERS to agreeing with psycho wackjobs. Saddam Hussein made sense at his trial yesterday. "The White House are liars!" he said. Indeed they is. Heh heh. Indeeeed they is. Mmm hmm. Now shut the fuck up and hang yourself already.
CHEERS to the great tales. On this date in 1823, The Night Before Christmas---which was originally called Account of a Visit From St. Nicholas---was published for the first time in the Troy Sentinel (see it here). It's a great story and all...but what the hell is a `down of a thistle?' Sounds painful.
JEERS to Deal or No Deal. Okay, the object of this new suspense-oriented prime-time game show is to point at a briefcase, which a lovely model (think Vanna White minus the intellectual challenge of walking back and forth) then opens. Call me crazy, but I'm much more partial to the Jack Abramoff Show, where a busted über-lobbyist points at Republican members of Congress, who start crying like babies as a lovely model slips on the handcuffs. Then again, I'm just a sentimental old fool.
CHEERS to snarker's remorse. C&J was kinda harsh on Alaska Senator Ted "Dick" Stevens yesterday. He didn't get Senate permission---for, like, the 800th time in 25 years---to drill for oil in the Alaska wildlife refuge. Senator Stevens is, like, really old. And we truly believe we hurt his feelings, and that's not nice. So, in the holiday spirit...Merry Christmas, Ted. (Maybe you could send us a gift, too...like a resignation letter?)
JEERS to holiday travel. Ugh:
More than 51 million motorists are predicted to hit the roads this season, a 1.7% increase from last year, despite higher gas prices, according to the American Automobile Association.
Those who skip the roads in favor of flying will face stepped-up random screenings at airport checkpoints, a security measure meant to dissuade terrorists.
And remember, kids: 999 Bottles of Beer on the Wall is your Mommy and Daddy's most favorite song. Sing it all the way to Grandma's house so they'll know how much you really love them!
CHEERS to holiday eTailing. It's quick, it's easy, safer than ever...and so thoughtful. This year I renewed your porn gift subscriptions, on account of all the new ideas you seemed to get out of it last year. (My goodness...)
-
One Year Ago in C&J: December 23, 2004...
CHEERS to Guerrilla broadcasters. A pirate radio station in D.C. operating on "$40 in parts from Radio Shack and the dumpster" is calling for massive protests at Bush's inauguration. Somehow we don't think recruiting volunteers will be a problem.
JEERS to assface editors. Time magazine's year-end quotations page transcribes Dean's famous Iowa rallying cry this way: "Arrggghhhh!" Sorry, assfaces, that's not how you spell "Yeahhhh!" But we're sure you regret the error. Assfaces.
-
And just one more...
It was Hanukkah and the tiny village was in fear of not having any latkes because they had run out of flour.
Rudi, the rabbi, was called upon to help solve the problem.
He said, "don't worry, you can substitute matzo meal for the flour and the latkes will be just as delicious!"
Sheila looks to her husband and says, "Mortey, you think it'll work?"
"Of course! Everybody knows Rudolph the Rab knows grain, dear!"
Happy Channuka, Channukah, Chanuka, Chanukah, Chanuko, Hannuka, Hannukah, Hanuka, Hanukah, Hanukkah, Kanukkah, Khannuka, Khannukah, Khanuka, Khanukah, Khanukkah, and Xanuka!!
-
We wish you Kodak Moments and regularity over the holidays. Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-