About a two hours ago, I put my school-aged son on a plane and sent him a thousand miles away. After the plane left, I cried so hard that people in the airport were actually stopping to ask me if I was ok. I couldn't even answer. All I could see was his somber face turned to me at the gate, and all I could hear was his whispered "I love you, Mommy" as he hugged me goodbye. I was nearly blind and deaf to everything else around me.
I've never seen a diary on Kos about family law and how divorce in this country works. And I'm WAY overdue in writing one. I'm kind of an amateur expert.
I'm a noncustodial mother. We're a rare breed, but becoming much more prevalent with the passage of time. I read somewhere a long time ago that, when a father contests for custody in a divorce, he wins 80% of the time. From what I've heard anecdotally, most cases of noncustodial mothers are the result of the mother's addiction issues, mental illness, or other serious threats to a child's long-term well-being. That is not the case in my situation. I got screwed because I work full time. And I'd bet there are a lot more of us that I even know about. We hold down our jobs, keep our households running, and fight every day to keep our heads and hearts out of the black misery that dogs us in the face of the loss of our children.
I've never seen an organization for noncustodial mothers. The only organizations that deal with parental rights that I've encountered are oriented toward dads. Most of the "fathers' rights" organizations are comprised of mysogynistic wingnut assholes trying to run their former spouses' lives. And they often get what they want. Nevertheless, for women in the noncustodial position, there is virtually nowhere to turn. And so we're forced to ally with the fathers' rights groups.
I can't handle what those organizations espouse. They're all for bashing working women. They virtually always cast mothers as incompetent, especially when a male child's custody is at issue. They even go so far as to discount a lot of domestic violence claims, saying that women are evil and sick and twisted.
I can't tell my story here. It's too personal. I will tell you that I've been living in this hell for over two years. Every time my son visits, I change. I feel whole and complete, even though he wears me out most of the time. I feel like I'm making a difference in his life, helping him to learn new things and see the world from a different perspective. But then some goddamned date pops up on a calendar and I have to say goodbye. I die inside everytime that happens. Even as I write this I can literally feel physical pain, knowing it will be months before I can hug my child again.
The problem is not with divorce itself. I had to get out of my marriage because it was killing me. But I never dreamed of trying to take my son away from his father. On the other hand, my son's father promised me I'd never see my son again. And boy did he come close. The problem is when the parent with custody up and chooses to move far, far away. I think it's absolutely wrong that so many states have laws in place that allow custodial parents to relocate at the drop of a hat. In my case, I talked to my original divorce attorney and four others about fighting the relocation. I was told I had a "ice cube's chance in Hell" of winning. I was told that my child's father had cited legitimate reasons for the relocation and that proving them to be the bullshit I believed they were would require more information than I'd ever be able to get my hands on.
I have no idea what to do with the hurt in me. Every time he leaves it's the same. I cry for a few days, I work a few extra hours on the job, I sleep a lot. And then slowly I return to the land of the living. But the hole in my heart only heals when my son is in my arms, laughing and begging me to tickle him again. Otherwise, the hole remains, and the howling wind that blows through it makes the same sound I do when I'm wailing my way through the airport.