Dear Good Kos-Friends,
Having recently skyrocketed to the position of A MOST TRUSTED DKOS USER, I have, understandably, had to withstand much scrutiny and even name-calling. A rude person named ARMANDO, for example, said I "sucked." I say nuts to him.
But questions remain. Am I a "true" conservative? How can I be a scientist AND a conservative? And so on. I have come here today to put this question to rest, and then to talk about other things.
My overall philosophy is what you might call "Friends Polite and Muscular Traditionality." I count among my heroes the great DR. OLIVER KAMM, the legendary DR. DANIEL PIPES, the pungent DR. STEVE EMERSON, and Andrew Sullivan. That last one, it is true, once yelled at me. But there are no grudges to be held in the hot volcano of good thinking, something rude ARMANDO evidently doesn't understand.
It is the great PIPES who has led me to today's diary topic: the perfidious PALESTINIAN ARABS in our midst. This is where our story, dear reader, gets personal.
The great PIPES (2 syllables, rhymes with "he says") has averred that the PALESTINIANS are the most radicalized group of human beings (people) on the planet (earth). Quite rightly, I have loudly agreed. Last month, a group of what can only be called PALESTINIANS moved next door to me. I am at a loss about what to do.
Right now, I just watch them. I notice they bring bags back and forth from their VAN and whisper late at night. They eat with the windows closed and seem satisfied about something. One of them, a younger man, lifts weights in the garage each morning wearing a blue THE GAP shirt. Surely this is to blend in to the scenery and/or grow stronger. Another man walks with a limp and carries a number of tools. He waves at me and smiles, and I pretend to wave back even though I know it's all just a big act. Because something is going on.
Many evenings I pretend to be fixing a knob on my porch with a flashlight just to better hear what they're saying. Often it is nothing. Often it is television news. But one brisk evening, with the street turned oddly silent and the light fading in the west, I thought I heard the heavier woman say "BIN LADEN" and emit a extended round of low, throaty laughter. It gave me chills, sir(s) and I dropped my flashlight. Upon reflection, though, she may have said something else. She closed the window and turned out the light; I was left with my thoughts on the dark porch and the emptiness of the night sky above.
Furthermore, I pass a PALESTINIAN meeting-place on my way to the grocery store. A MOSQ. Sometimes, in the afternoon, I see a group of them on the sidewalk, smoking cigarettes and making plans. I clutch my groceries and continue on my way.
I don't know what they're planning. I don't know what they have in those bags. I don't know when the neighborly facade will drop and all smiles cease. I asked the great PIPES, and he said he doesn't know either. But he agrees: these people must be stopped. First they want to conquer the Middle East and SPAIN, next thing you know they'll be singing their weird songs in downtown Hartford. Enough already! Normally, I'd say let's just put up a big security (fence) on our borders, but that wouldn't do any good in this case, because, as far as I can tell, they're already HERE.
The police in my neighbourhood don't stick up for the common man. Thus, I despair of telling them about this mushrooming situation. My solution, KOSSET-ERS, is that we should police them together, as a community. Let's use the net roots for something other than griping about things that no one understands. If any of you see the PALESTINIANS buzzing about in your neighbourhood, might I suggest e-mailing STEVE EMERSON at stopterror@aol.com? Or better yet go right to the top, to the great DAN PIPES himself, meqmef@aol.com. If each one of us KOS-SUELLERS e-mailed these gentlemen with sightings, think of how much better information they would have to better protect us. Enormous. If you want them to roll out the red carpet, mention my name.
I e-mail these two patriots every single day, just to update them on the status of the dreaded next-door PALESTINIANS. For instance, I saw the old lady buying both butter and vegetable oil yesterday. Few recipes call for both. PIPES is always gratified for the news. We are in negotiations about him writing me a letter of recommendation. I think you all might think of doing the same.
Let's get it together and keep safe.
Doing my part,
I am,
My friends,
Your faithful, conservative, interlocutor,
Watching,
The
Suspicious Palestinians
Next Door,
And,
Reporting
On their
Whereabouts,
Chip Mitchell