Daily Kos

Dr. Frist answers YOUR medical questions!

by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner

Sat May 28, 2005 at 08:33:18 PM PDT

Good evening, members of The Daily Kos online community. I am Dr. Bill Frist, the Senator from Tennessee and Senate Majority Leader.

For me, even before my Senate duties, the practice of medicine comes first (frist? ha ha! but seriously...). After all, there is no profession more noble than providing health care for the citizens of this great nation.

And as you may know, my medical abilities are unlimited. I really do know everything there is to know about medicine, which is why I was able to diagnose the late Terri Schiavo through the use of a video clip.

So now, in the spirit of bipartisanship--in an effort to show that politics and politicians need not divide us--I am offering the members of The Daily Kos my FREE medical advice. Yes, you heard right. For the next hour or so, I, Dr. Bill Frist, will be here to diagnose YOUR medical problems and give you the advice you need, absoutely free.

So please, no question is too obscure, no problem beyond the reach of my medical abilities. The doctor's office is now OPEN. Ask away!



Update [2005-5-29 4:2:54 by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner]: It's now 4 a.m. Tennessee Time, and this doctor's calling it a night. You know, I thought this would be a good idea to bridge the partisan divide, but all I get for my trouble are a bunch of dumb questions and thinly veiled attacks. You Democrats are worthless! But you can still vote for me in '08 if you want.

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Permalink | 186 comments

  •  How far (4.00 / 11)

     up Bush's ass is his head?

     For that matter, how far is your nose up Dobson's bung?

     Whither the number of repressed males in the Republican Party, too?

     (Funny diary. 8) )

    The cake is a lie.

    by Anderson Republican on Sat May 28, 2005 at 08:30:57 PM PDT

    •  Hello, Anderson Republican (4.00 / 19)

      Thanks for stopping by the ol' Doctor's office. ha ha.

      I must say I don't really appreciate the profanity in your comment, or the suggestions that President Bush is "not in touch." Clearly, a man cannot insert his own cranium into his own rectum, and to suggest otherwise shows a complete lack of medical knowledge.

      However, I must apologize in advance that some of these responses may take a couple of minutes, as I only have on hand with which to type. The other is currently occupied giving Dr. Dobson a prostate massage.

      What? It's a perfectly normal, necessary medical practice.

      So is liking it.

      Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

      by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 08:34:01 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  But doc... (4.00 / 5)

        ...in MY medical book, Republican Rectocephaly is a recognized syndrome. The only cure for it is replacing the head with a small fuzzy fruit, a procedure known as imPEACHment.

        Oh, by the way, is it true some o' them gay activists are talking about a new nasty preverted sex practice of theirs called Frist-fucking?

        My cat said to say hello. He claims there's a nationwide cat conspiracy to bite you so you die of rabies. He's a little, er, rabid about politics, Doc--in the presidential election he wrote in Kucinich.

        -- "I decline utterly to be impartial between the fire brigade and the fire." ~Winston Churchill

        by Eleftheria on Sun May 29, 2005 at 02:23:25 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

    •  Anderson Republican (4.00 / 7)

      Hey, we're thinking alike! See my question about Bush's problem.

      Thrice is he armed who hath his quarrel just. Sherlock Holmes.

      by Carnacki on Sat May 28, 2005 at 08:54:30 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  well, I should mention... (4.00 / 8)

        ...I once had a patient who had his entire arm up to the elbow stuck in his rectum. It was rather amusing, though not for the poor fellow. I asked him, "Why on earth did you do that?" and he replied, "Because you paid me to, you freak!" Clearly, the man was delusional. An interesting case indeed.

        Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

        by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:01:15 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  Did you hear about... (4.00 / 3)

          ...the proctologist who had a patient who had swallowed his glass eye? The doctor said "I've looked up thousands of assholes, but this is the first one that ever looked back."

          -- "I decline utterly to be impartial between the fire brigade and the fire." ~Winston Churchill

          by Eleftheria on Sun May 29, 2005 at 02:24:55 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

  •  Frist (4.00 / 7)

    Dr. Frist,
    George W. Bush has his head up his ass. Is there any procedure to remove his head from that position even if he does like it there?

    Thrice is he armed who hath his quarrel just. Sherlock Holmes.

    by Carnacki on Sat May 28, 2005 at 08:39:11 PM PDT

    •  okay... (4.00 / 13)

      I think I've politely stated that the President's head is not up his rectum. I clearly would have noticed this by now. I have seen the President walk about frequently, and there is no medical evidence whatsoever that his head is where you believe it is. Imagine how funny he would look and sound if this were true? Therefore, it must be false.

      Now, to play d----'s advocate (never say his name!), let's say the President's head was trapped inside his rectum. It seems clear to me that the best medical procedure would be to stomp down quickly and firmly on his torso, creating reverse pressure that would pop his head out of the rectum. It would be similar to squeezing a Jeno's pizza roll, or perhaps, a cat.

      Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

      by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 08:45:17 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    •  It says in the Holey Book... (4.00 / 2)

      ...in The Book of Holes chapter 1:

         "...and they Knew not their Holes from an Ass on the ground"

      "Good idea Chuck, but Syrup won't stop 'em." Firesign Theater, Everything You Know is Wrong.

      by 3card on Sun May 29, 2005 at 12:26:04 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  I don't remember seeing that in there (4.00 / 3)

        you better hope you're not making that up, or you'll be punching a one-way ticket to blasphemer's hell, and Dr. Dobson will be making out the TripTik for you.

        Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

        by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sun May 29, 2005 at 12:34:21 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  I didn't make that up! (4.00 / 5)

          I plagarized it!  And besides since when has making stuff up been a problem for the 'God fearin folk'?  It seems to me a Wholly Holey thing to do.

          Just tryin' to follow the fine example set by my  'moral leaders' and 'Doctors orders' sir.

          "Good idea Chuck, but Syrup won't stop 'em." Firesign Theater, Everything You Know is Wrong.

          by 3card on Sun May 29, 2005 at 12:57:15 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

  •  I think I'm having a heart attack (4.00 / 7)

    from laughing at that pic.  Can you diagnose and operate on me over the phone?  I hear that long distance healing is your specialty.

    Mars, Bitches!

    by JessicaDrewSW on Sat May 28, 2005 at 08:40:44 PM PDT

    •  Ah.... (4.00 / 10)

      I can tell by your voice over the phone that you have been eaten by a bear. I advise you to call 911, not to be confused with 9/11, that terrible day in which our President truly showed what an amazing leader he is.

      Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

      by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 08:46:24 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  I'm embarrassed to ask, Doctor, but... (4.00 / 7)

    Can self-abuse really make you go blind?

    John McCain's Straight Talk Express runs on fossil fuels.

    by Dump Terry McAuliffe on Sat May 28, 2005 at 08:51:01 PM PDT

    •  I'm no doctor, but... (4.00 / 19)

      IMO, if you consider it abuse, you're not doing it right.

      I'm a MAN, baby!

      by Trix on Sat May 28, 2005 at 08:54:37 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Maybe that's what's up (4.00 / 5)

        with the Viagra-blindness connection.  Wonder if the drug company controlled their initial studies, such as they might have been, for self-abuse?  Dr. Frist, do you know?

        ...the White House will be adorned by a downright moron...H.L. Mencken

        by bibble on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:27:18 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  maybe you can ask Bob Dole (4.00 / 7)

          Hey there, Mr. Viagra Spokesman, how's your vision? Is your sight worth the erection? Guess you need a pill to get it up, you mean old, vile man. Nothing I ever did was good enough for you. Oh, so I'll never be a good majority leader, will I?  So I'll never be half the man you were, right? Well look at me now! I don't need you!! I don't have live up to what you wanted me to be!!! Leave me alone! Get out of my head!!

          Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

          by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:32:58 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

    •  Absolutely not. (4.00 / 9)

      Trust me, there is no way to--GAAAAAA!! I'm blind!!! It's true! oh wait...

      sorry, I had just blinked for a moment. No cause for alarm. Um, what I meant to say is that the bible says one should not spill their seed as one would lie with a woman. Or something. You know what I mean.

      But..uh...medically speaking, it's best with some scented candles and essential herbal oils, maybe a little Indigo Girls on the CD player...uh, that's all in the medical guides. Really.

      Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

      by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 08:56:04 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  One follow up question, Dr. Frist.... (4.00 / 6)

        ...about my hairy palms. I mean, a FRIEND'S hairy palms. I mean. Uh. Well.

        by daulton on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:51:58 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  that has nothing to do with self-abuse (4.00 / 3)

          nowhere in the Bible does it mention palms afflicted with hair. But it does say self-abuse is bad. Very, very bad. You are naughty if you do it, like the little schoolboy I once was.

          Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

          by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 10:19:36 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  But what about the link... (4.00 / 3)

            ...between Viagra and Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?  Or is this just God's wrath in action?  Or God's just wrath, as it were.

            "Good idea Chuck, but Syrup won't stop 'em." Firesign Theater, Everything You Know is Wrong.

            by 3card on Sat May 28, 2005 at 11:39:25 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

            •  I've never heard of that link (4.00 / 5)

              was it in one of those medical journals? If so, I didn't read it. I don't bother with those medical journals...all part of the liberal media. A good rule of thumb: if it's written on paper, it's the liberal media. And add CNN to that, too, even though it's not on paper. But if CNN were on paper, it would be part of the liberal media, not that it isn't part of it now. See?

              Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

              by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 11:46:53 PM PDT

              [ Parent ]

  •  Hmm. (4.00 / 12)

    I'm noticing that few people are asking me any medical questions. Perhaps it was a waste of time to offer my medical advice. Or perhaps members of The Daily Kos community are an extremely healthy bunch. Ha ha. Kind of reminds me of the time James and I went camping together, and... um... cough. Hey look, a filibuster!

    Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

    by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 08:52:42 PM PDT

  •  Dr. Frist... (4.00 / 11)

    My dog gets scared very easily, and always leaves the room when Rick Santorum comes on TV.  How can I teach him that Sen. Santorum loves all animals in the same way he loves his wife?

    Oh, and can you really get AIDS through sweat and tears?  And if so, would a basketball game with Magic Johnson be a bad idea?

    by teenagedallasdeaniac on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:00:37 PM PDT

    •  Now those are good questions (4.00 / 6)

      I didn't say you definitely CAN get AIDS through sweat and tears, just that I wouldn't absolutely rule it out as being quite possible if not somewhat likely, based on certain environmental conditions and biological factors and predispositions. Or, in layman's terms, you can get AIDS through sweat and tears.

      However, I should also take this opportunity to point out that you can also get AIDS through Blood, Sweat and Tears, particularly if you listen to "Brand New Day" enough times.

      As for Magic "I have a lot of evil sex" Johnson, not only would I recommend NOT playing basketball with him, I would also not recommend eating near him, sleeping in the same building as him, looking at the same objects he's looking at, or thinking of the same thoughts.

      As to your Santorum question, if your dog fears Sen. Santorum, perhaps he is a silly liberal who cowers in the face of a strong, Christian Senator who speaks his mind! ha ha! (Or maybe you just need to massage his testicles a little...I've always found that works, both for my dog and for myself.)

      Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

      by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:07:29 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Paging Dr. Frist (4.00 / 7)

    Oh Doctor, Oh Doctor?

    Is that a carbuncle on my neck, or a molecular twin I'm forming there?

    Or is it, dear Doctor, my Homeland Security buddy, come to "Sneak n'Peak" o're my shoulder, who's landed there!

    LOL.  Great kitty work on the good doc's photo(shopped)!

    by Patricia Taylor on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:02:31 PM PDT

    •  Hello (4.00 / 8)

      Whatever is growing on your neck, you should leave it alone, as it is Life. God creates Life in many different forms, and you would commit a terrible sin against Him if you were to tamper with his plans for you. I am of the mind that your growth may indeed be the asexual reproduction of your offspring, in the same manner of a hydra or plenarian. But again, whatever it is, it possesses Life and has at least as many rights as you, if not more.

      Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

      by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:09:54 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Unless it's female, Dr. Frist? (4.00 / 3)

        Do you mean that a female life form ever could have more rights than us doods, Dr. Frist?  I mean, what if it is an asexual female life form  can't reproduce, can't be a breeder of more fine, manly men such as we see leading us in the Senate?  And can't vote for 18 years from now, anyway, which is all that fine female life forms are worth to our fine Republican party, anyway?

        "Let all the dreamers wake the nation." -- Carly Simon

        by Cream City on Sun May 29, 2005 at 12:26:01 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  don't be silly (none / 1)

          a female never has more rights than a male...that's just how it is, how God intended it. I'll believe females are equals when I believe we come from monkeys. ha ha!

          Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

          by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sun May 29, 2005 at 12:32:39 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

  •  Help me, Dr. Frist! (4.00 / 5)

    I've got a serious medical condition: I'm sick of Dubya's lies.

    Can you prescribe a treatment?

    The Spirit of 75

    by Thomas Kalinowski on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:05:48 PM PDT

    •  Well, (4.00 / 8)

      maybe you are a weak liberal who cannot handle a strong Christian--wait, I already used that one. Okay, perhaps you are a weak liberal who hates freedom and thinks we would be better off with Saddam Hussein serving ice cream to our nations's children.

      (But, uh, between us, if you're sick of Bush for any reason, just wait till '08, as I will be a candidate that you can believe in! But that's not on the record or anything, ha ha.)

      Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

      by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:12:34 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  I have one: (4.00 / 8)

    Why do you have such a big reputation as a cat-killer here?

    Conservatism is Dead!

    by Eternal Hope on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:09:16 PM PDT

    •  I have no idea (4.00 / 10)

      I would imagine that EVERY medical student fraudulently adopts homeless cats from shelters and then conducts experiments on them, killing them in the process. As I would ask any doctor or medical student, who among us hasn't killed a few cats?

      Really, it was just the kind of necessary training a medical student needs to do, nothing more, nothing less. It's an unfortunate byproduct that I ended up with some dead cats. Many dead cats, in fact.Sweet, sweet dead cats. Sometimes I would bathe in their viscera, or wear their little heads for hats. Oh God...I would give anything to be a med student again.

      Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

      by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:17:43 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Dr.Frist... (4.00 / 8)

    Here is my question: I've noticed that when I find myself in a red state, I have shortness of breath, feel dizzy, blurred vision, lighheadedness, ringing in my ears, delayed and subsequently bloody bowel movements, rashes from head to toe, joint pain, hair loss, difficult erections, nipple pain, headaches and general lathargia.  I'v e been told that it will all clear up by 2008.  I'd like a second opinion, what do you think?  

    Fear will keep the local systems in line. -Grand Moff Tarkin -SLB-

    by boran2 on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:14:06 PM PDT

  •  Dear Dr. Frist (4.00 / 5)

    Can years of heavy alcohol and drug abuse be the cause of Gee Dubya's addled countenance, or is it just a setup for the inevitable post two term Republican,  I don't recall, response to special prosecutors?

    Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. --Will Rogers

    by groggy on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:14:38 PM PDT

  •  I WOULD ask you a question (4.00 / 5)

    but your cat there looks none too healthy.  WAhat in God's name did you DO to it?

    Oh, okay, I'll bite.  Is it true Laura Bush is going through menopause?

    We do not rent rooms to Republicans.

    by Mary Julia on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:16:06 PM PDT

    •  I do not believe so. (4.00 / 9)

      Menopause is marked by a loss of sexual interest. And believe me, Laura still loves to ride it like a nasty little cowgirl.

      Uh...I mean, according to what George tells me. Yeah.

      Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

      by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:22:00 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Dear Dr. Frist, (4.00 / 6)

    Since your powers of diagnosis are so acute that they are able to make medical determinations via videotape, can you please view this Quicktime video and tell me if you would consider the President to be in a persistent vegetative state?

    There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. --Benjamin Disraeli, cited by Mark Twain

    by sheba on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:16:25 PM PDT

    •  I'm unable to view that thing you sent, (4.00 / 7)

      but I wouldn't trust anything over the Internet to begin with. You were probably trying to send me a virus...maybe AIDS. I only believe what I can see with my own two eyes. For example, with my own two eyes, I watched a video of Terri Schiavo.

      Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

      by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:29:01 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Here's My Question... (4.00 / 4)

    Why is is being refered to as "Dr." Frist in so many MSM places rather than Senator Frist or Leader Frist?  I think this is very interesting.  

    by inclusiveheart on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:16:56 PM PDT

    •  By the Way (4.00 / 11)

      Dr. Frist,

      I will be forwarding a video tape of the Constitution of the United States.  I am hoping you can give your opinion on its chances for survival given its injuries.

      by inclusiveheart on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:18:33 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  As I said, (4.00 / 5)

        I am a doctor before anything else. The Senate may be my job, but medicine is my calling. Unlike HOward Dean, who just uses "Doctor" to sound all important and educated and medical-y. I could doctor him under a table! I'll bet he's never diagnosed a patient through a video, the poser.

        As for the Constitution, I think it'll be fine, if we can keep these godless activist judges from interpreting it. The Constitution has proudly embodied our nation's principles for over 200 years. It says everything it needs to say right there on its face! Except for the part about locking queers away, which really needs to be added.

        Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

        by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:27:14 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  •  My chihuahua has an ear infection. (4.00 / 6)

    What do I do?

    by furiousxxgeorge on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:20:08 PM PDT

    •  What? (4.00 / 7)

      What the hell kinda word is that? Chihuahua? That's Mexican, isn't it? Don't do a damn thing for it, because it's probably here illegally, taking our jobs, our taxes and our health care. Maybe you should send it back to Mexico to wear a sombrero and take siestas, if you know what I mean.

      Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

      by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:23:48 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  But Dr.Frist!!! (4.00 / 6)

        Surely you would not support letting a visitor to our country and a beloved member of our family die!?  What did Chalupa ever do to you?

        by furiousxxgeorge on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:31:11 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  o and... (4.00 / 4)

          I mentioned that to lu, she said throw in a corona and a burrito and she'll show the good ole us of a the ugly side of her arse and take me to mexico for good.  ;)

          by furiousxxgeorge on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:32:22 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

        •  as a rule (4.00 / 6)

          you shouldn't love ANYONE who's a so-called "visitor" to our country. There's only two kinds of visitors: illegals and terrorists. So do you love terrorism or illegal immigration? I'm gonna call over some Minutemen and send them over to your house, just as soon as they're done drinking Natural Light while discussing Revenge of the Sith.

          Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

          by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:36:03 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  What? (4.00 / 5)

            I question you patriotism.  They should be drinking real American beers, like Sam Adams or Yuengling.

            No minuteman would drink such a nasty beer, we rebelled against England so we wouldn't have to drink such nasty beers anymore.

            And why are good Americans watching an anti-bush movie like revenge of the sith?

            by furiousxxgeorge on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:47:39 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

          •  You forgot a very important third category: ... (4.00 / 4)

            slave labor.

            (Just think about your housekeeper, or nanny, or the guy that mows your lawn, or paints your house, etc.)

            Think:  "Amnesty".  
            (That is, we have to "forgive" these people for being mexicans... as long as they stay in their proper place.)

            Social advance depends as much upon the process through which it is secured as upon the result itself. --Jane Addams

            by shock on Sat May 28, 2005 at 10:56:52 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

  •  Dr. Frist! (plucking weakly at your sleeve) (4.00 / 9)

    My cat sucks my breath!  He does! In the night, while I'm sleeping, he creeps up and lies next to me, purring and "humming", sorta.  I get real scared.

    I think he's telling me to send money to Focus on the Family.

    If I send them twenty bucks, can I get a good night's sleep?

    by hoolia on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:29:56 PM PDT

    •  Absolutely not. (4.00 / 11)

      $20 barely covers a half-hour's worth of mailing costs. If you send $100, you'll sleep peacefully, with the baby Jesus tucking you in. But that'll only last a week. Best to keep sending the money.

      As for the cat, I have it on good authority that the cat is NOT stealing your breath. Rather, it is a small, vile troll in a jester's hat, who emerges each night from a hole in your wall. I diagnosed this through watching a video I got from Blockbuster. Here is the proof:

      Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

      by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:39:18 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Dr. Frist-- (4.00 / 6)

    I would like to know your opinion of Lynn Cheney's mental status--and also, is she related to Dale Evans, because, except for not wearing the fringed cowgirl getup--and she may do that for Dick, I do not know--she really reminds me of Dale Evans.

    ...the White House will be adorned by a downright moron...H.L. Mencken

    by bibble on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:37:31 PM PDT

    •  Lynne Cheney (4.00 / 11)

      Ms. Cheney is in good medical condition, though she does suffer a slight case of what is known as "Microchiroptera Fecal Psychosis." (Better known to laymen as "batshit insane.")

      Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

      by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:47:03 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  What about the Cheney's (4.00 / 5)

        daughter?  You know the twisted, perverse one.
        Is she insane Dr. Frist?  Should she be euthanized for her own good or can the love of Jesus bring her back to the adoration of the penis?

        by V Botkin on Sat May 28, 2005 at 10:29:29 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  well, she did work for Bush's re-election... (4.00 / 6)

          ...so she's what we would call a "useful idiot." Only this particular idiot is also going to burn in hell for all eternity. Sucks for her.

          Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

          by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 10:48:52 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

  •  Also, Dr. Frist-- (4.00 / 6)

    Why does Dick Cheney's heart keep going?

    ...the White House will be adorned by a downright moron...H.L. Mencken

    by bibble on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:49:50 PM PDT

    •  have you ever seen... (4.00 / 6)

      ...one of those new-fangled watches that never needs to be wound? what do you think inspired them? Cheney's Perma-Heart® is as close as we'll ever get to a perpetual motion machine. And in the unlikely event of a mechanical failure, a good tweak of his Dura-Start® right nipple will shock the heart back to life.

      Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

      by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:54:05 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Dear Dr. Frist (4.00 / 5)

    Every time I think about you my head starts pounding and I begin bleeding from my ears. If my sighting of you is accompanied with hearing Bush's voice - I suddenly begin to projectile vomit while my head spins so fast it pops off and rolls across the floor.

    As you can imagine, it is difficult to live like this on a daily basis. Any ideas for a cure?

    42.

    by SeattleLiberal on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:50:05 PM PDT

  •  Why is it (4.00 / 7)

    that the Earth is two-thirds covered with water, that this planet was created for Man by a benevolent Intelligent Designer, and yet I have no gills on my neck? What gives? Is there something wrong with me Dr. Frist?

    Bleeding Green Nation - An Unofficial Philadelphia Eagles Blog

    by Dire Radiant on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:52:48 PM PDT

  •  my chihuahua also has chronic hiccups? (4.00 / 4)

    Is that a sign of overeating? Not enough water? Smoking too much dirty dope marijuana like the dumb mexican she is?

    by furiousxxgeorge on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:58:38 PM PDT

  •  Jacking Off (4.00 / 5)

    Dear Dr. First,Fist,Feeble(sorry my keyboard keeps refusing to spell your name right.)

    Should the penis be considered a "weapon of mass destruction" since when it explodes after an intense session of pressure and friction and the little swimmers are released only one of them will reach the target and all the rest of those little pre-born swimmers die due to the lack of a target?

    Also We noticed in the picture that you seem to be playing pocket pool with your left hand while holding what appears to be a dead cat. Is there a medical term for this fetish?

    by hmsjo on Sat May 28, 2005 at 09:59:58 PM PDT

    •  The penis (4.00 / 8)

      is a weapon of Mass Creation, as it gives life to God's children. Without it, the mindless egg-chambers that we call "women" would be utterly useless. However, the organ should not be abused or misused, which is why everyone should wait until they're married to have sex. Or at the very least, wait until someone else is married before having sex with them.

      I take offense to your insinuation about my official medical photo. The hand-in/thumb-out pose is the one favored by doctors throughout the land. Unfortunately, I could not find one of those head-mounted reflecting mirrors to wear for the photo...that would've been really sweet.

      Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

      by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 10:05:29 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Ok We'll accept (4.00 / 5)

        the "Mass Creation" thing but what about all those millions of other little swimmers that die? These are the pre-born too. So it's murder! What about when you jack off and all of those cute little swimmers die becasuse they have no place to go? It's like the "Nuclear Option of Sex" isn't it? The mass murder of potencial life.

        Sorry didn't mean to insinuate anything with my second question We were just wonder what the medical term for the fetish was. We like to keep informed you know.

        by hmsjo on Sat May 28, 2005 at 10:17:41 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  You see, (4.00 / 3)

          eggs are just eggs, and sperm are just sperm...but when they come together, they form Life. So before that is NotLife, after it is Life. I know, I know...it can get a little confusing, which is why I keep a 3x5 notecard in my coat pocket to remind me. Imagine flubbing that one in front of the press corps! Ha ha!

          Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

          by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 10:28:59 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

      •  The penis (4.00 / 4)

        is overrated (and adored), bloviated upon (and excoriated), felafel-ated (and remarked upon) and fellated (happily)

        The penis is mindless, but it creates, same as a petrie dish and same as my ovary.

        by hoolia on Sat May 28, 2005 at 10:54:04 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  NOT the same as your ovary (4.00 / 3)

          every doctor knows a penis is clearly superior to an ovary, which is why you women need us men to make your medical decisions for you. It's nothing personal, it's just God's plan for you.

          Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

          by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 11:07:20 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

      •  bill hicks: (4.00 / 3)

        '
        i've wiped entire civilizations from my navel with a grey gymsock! i've tossed -universes- in my underwear! WHILE NAPPING!
        '

        ----- most politicians couldn't care less how you vote every four years... but they pay very close attention to where you spend four years' worth of money.

        by n step on Sun May 29, 2005 at 03:23:16 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  •  Dr. Frist-- (4.00 / 6)

    I am a little surprised at your hostility to Mexico and other foreign lands south of the border--'cause isn't that where you went to medical school?

    ...the White House will be adorned by a downright moron...H.L. Mencken

    by bibble on Sat May 28, 2005 at 10:10:48 PM PDT

  •  Dr. Frist! (4.00 / 5)

    I sometimes have a bad headache and throw up (Okay, it is usually after I have had too much to drink). Can you prescribe me some medical marijuana?

    by Cat Nerd on Sat May 28, 2005 at 10:19:35 PM PDT

  •  Moonlighting? (4.00 / 6)

    Dear Dr. Frist:

    I'm confused! Usually, I'm able to seek your medical advice back behind the striped tent at your traveling Justice Sunday revival meetings.

    If I ask you a question here, am I still eligible to be filled with your "Holy Spirit" after the potluck?  

    "Oh, TV. Is there anything you can't do?" -- Homer Simpson

    by Melody Townsel on Sat May 28, 2005 at 10:29:57 PM PDT

  •  How much per hour? (4.00 / 8)

    Dr. Frist,

    I have a really urgent medical condition.  Aw gawd Doc, it hurts real bad.  I can barely even type this.  

    But I don't have health insurance.

    So I have to ask up front... how much are your fees?  

    (Please respond quickly... I don't think I can take this any longer.)

    Social advance depends as much upon the process through which it is secured as upon the result itself. --Jane Addams

    by shock on Sat May 28, 2005 at 10:31:11 PM PDT

    •  P.S. (4.00 / 4)

      (I know you said "free", but I also know better.)

      Social advance depends as much upon the process through which it is secured as upon the result itself. --Jane Addams

      by shock on Sat May 28, 2005 at 10:33:11 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    •  There is no fee in this forum. (4.00 / 6)

      However, some caveats.

      First, are you Mexican? You better not be. Go away if you are. Go die in a hole somewhere, preferably in Mexico.

      Second, are you a Democrat? You better not be. Go away if you are. Go die in a hole somewhere, preferably in Gay-achusetts.

      Third, do you hate freedom? You better not. Go away if you are. Go die in a hole somewhere, preferably in Saddam Hussein's tighty-whitey nut pouch.

      Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

      by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 10:36:41 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Hey!!!! (4.00 / 5)

        I think you're an imposter.

        The real Dr. Frist would have recognized that anyone without health insurance is both inconsequential (Mexican, democrat, or not) and anti-American (for not participating in the free-market, captilistic system) and should therefore die in a hole somewhere no matter what.  

        But I can't believe you just billed me anyway
        for that "advice"!  

        Well, I guess my survivors can always file for bankruptcy...

        Social advance depends as much upon the process through which it is secured as upon the result itself. --Jane Addams

        by shock on Sat May 28, 2005 at 10:48:05 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  That is not true at al! (4.00 / 4)

          Plenty of people without health insurance are consequential--in particular, they may be rural red-state voters, and lord knows we need those folks.

          Naturally, the rural red-state voter is smart enough to know that although the GOP has no plans to ever do anything about health care, helping big business will help them in the long run. It's a trickle-down kind of thing. Don't ask me about the specifics...it just is.

          Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

          by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 10:57:59 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

  •  You never answered Stephanopolis... (4.00 / 5)

    Can HIV be transmitted through tears and sweat? Please answer. I need new funny stuff from you when I get back from vacation.

    -- Jon Stewart, The Daily Show

    We are living in an interminable succession of absurdities imposed by the myopic logic of short-term thinking. Jacques Cousteau

    by supak on Sat May 28, 2005 at 10:36:40 PM PDT

    •  I answered him just fine. (4.00 / 3)

      I also answered that question above. I guess Democrats can't read. Ha ha, that was a joke....I'm still being bipartisan, see?

      here is what I said:
      "I didn't say you definitely CAN get AIDS through sweat and tears, just that I wouldn't absolutely rule it out as being quite possible if not somewhat likely, based on certain environmental conditions and biological factors and predispositions. Or, in layman's terms, you can get AIDS through sweat and tears.

      However, I should also take this opportunity to point out that you can also get AIDS through Blood, Sweat and Tears, particularly if you listen to 'Brand New Day' enough times."

      Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

      by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 10:38:53 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Can you please explain this quote, Dr. Frist? (4.00 / 6)

    Why exactly did you kill those cats?

    Isn't a centrist just someone who doesn't have the balls to be a fanatic? -- Stephen Colbert

    by Muboshgu on Sat May 28, 2005 at 10:41:39 PM PDT

  •  Dr. Frist--just one last question-- (4.00 / 4)

    I often feel compelled to return again and again to dailykos, even when I try not to, and even when it's way past my bedtime.  I just can't seem to help it, but I'm sure it's wrong....How can I cure myself of this addiction?

    ...the White House will be adorned by a downright moron...H.L. Mencken

    by bibble on Sat May 28, 2005 at 10:41:50 PM PDT

    •  easy... (4.00 / 6)

      start visiting freerepublic.com or littlegreenfootballs.com. You won't want to use a computer ever again.

      Ha ha! I was just kidding, users of freerepublic.com or littlegreenfootball.com! I think you are the best! Me in '08!

      Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

      by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 10:52:24 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Optimal hygiene around GOP butt monkeys? (4.00 / 8)

    Another question if I may, Dr. Frist. Since 2000, I seem to find myself in situations -- particularly here in Texas -- where I'm forced to shake hands repeatedly, and with man-like vigor, with GOP ass monkeys.

    Are latex gloves enough to protect me, or is there some sort of medicinal ablution you recommend to stave off a chimp-born illness?

    "Oh, TV. Is there anything you can't do?" -- Homer Simpson

    by Melody Townsel on Sat May 28, 2005 at 10:49:28 PM PDT

    •  make that chimp-borne (n/t) (4.00 / 4)

      "Oh, TV. Is there anything you can't do?" -- Homer Simpson

      by Melody Townsel on Sat May 28, 2005 at 10:50:41 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    •  Hmm (4.00 / 8)

      I've yet to encounter this problem, though I'm sure I'd know more if I had a video. Still, I think the best solution is to wash your hands repeatedly, perhaps with Clorox. Dr. Dobson suggests washing your hands in God's Love, but I'm not really sure that's the best idea...

      ...I mean, that's a great idea. Wash your hands in God's Love. Yes, do that.

      Oh, c'mon James! Now you're just being spiteful! Dammit, I hate when you sleep on the futon!

      Sigh. Anyway, just make sure you don't wash your hands with tears or blood, or you'll be dead in 24 hours.

      Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

      by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 11:04:36 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Geriatrics (4.00 / 7)

    Dr Frist:

    To what do you attribute the longevity of many of the conservative to extremist Republicans?  Many of the most active of the GOP are post-geriatric, including Kissinger, Bush I, Baker, and Rumsfeld.

    Others, slightly younger, seem preternaturally suspended in age, with lineless faces and youthful vigor in their work, despite their infirmaties.  I think of Cheney and Krauthammer, to name two.

    Could it be that the fountain of youth lies in a total lack of conscience?

    by Patricia Taylor on Sat May 28, 2005 at 11:05:57 PM PDT

  •  So is laughter really the best medicine? (4.00 / 7)

    (Because I'm laughing my ass off right now!)

    Is that why you say all those hilarious things on the floor of the Senate?  To help all of us sick Americans?

    Social advance depends as much upon the process through which it is secured as upon the result itself. --Jane Addams

    by shock on Sat May 28, 2005 at 11:07:14 PM PDT

    •  Laughter is definitely the best medicine (4.00 / 6)

      That is why it's not so bad that so many of you don't have health insurance. See, Republicans have a wonderful health-care plan that won't increase the deficit or add to the bureaucracy...just laugh! Ha ha! See? Don't you feel better?

      Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

      by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 11:12:23 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Dr Frist, isn't menstruation really abortion? (4.00 / 14)

    Dear Dr. First,

    My big sister is aborting a baby more than twelve times a year.  Please stop her.  My mother does it, too.

    They make me look at a book that says this is natural but I know in my heart it is murder.

    They keep telling me I'm going to join their cult and do it too but I am not.  I have promised Jesus to let all of my eggs hatch.

    I have spell checked this so please answer.

    -- Katie

    "Injustice wears ever the same harsh face wherever it shows itself." - Ralph Ellison

    by KateCrashes on Sat May 28, 2005 at 11:15:17 PM PDT

    •  Hold on a sec... (4.00 / 6)

      let me check my 3x5 card...okay, if the egg is not fertilized, it is NotLife. If it is fertilized, then it is Life.

      Hmm. That sounds weird. Isn't an egg alive, too? Whatever...don't question the 3x5 card is what I always say.

      Only Democrats need to "pay for" any of their proposals; it's just understood that Republicans are "fiscal conservatives." - Atrios

      by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Sat May 28, 2005 at 11:24:36 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  But Dr. Frist, Jesus was an egg! (4.00 / 2)

        That's why we have pretend ones at Easter.  Jesus was just never one of those tadpole things.  We don't have THEM at Easter, do we?  And only the French eat even frogs' legs being too stupid to eat freedom fries like people who are going to heaven do.  Are you really a doctor?  You should know more about this.  

        -- Katie

        "Injustice wears ever the same harsh face wherever it shows itself." - Ralph Ellison

        by KateCrashes on Sun May 29, 2005 at 05:48:45 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]