Daily Kos

Jehovah pink slipped, design not intelligent enough.

by mollyd

Thu Aug 11, 2005 at 07:26:23 AM PDT

Re: termination of employment

Dear Jehovah,

After much consideration we regret to inform you that your services as the creator are no longer required.

First there are the many small design flaws or "bugs" as you so quaintly put it. The inclusion of many small anomalies in design with no discernable function such as the existence of the appendix, and coccyx  were barely tolerable, because as you pointed out they generally cause no loss of function and only rarely caused actual harm. The wisdom teeth are more problematic. if you were going add more teeth in adulthood why not create a jaw fitted for the number of teeth included?  You never properly explained plica semilunaris which appears to be a vestigial remnant of a  nictitating membrane found in eyes of some lower forms, we can only wonder at what you were thinking.

Your excuse that you wanted to hint at an evolutionary process is not only illogical and unacceptable, but potentially puts you in violation of union rules overlapping the role of creator with position of trickster. Be advised that Loki and Coyote feel that they have this position well covered. They are particularly proud of burying various odd fossils consistent with an evolutionary record. We think their efforts have been quite ingenious.

None of the above by itself would force us to terminate your employment. Rather we feel homo sapiens 1.0 must overall be considered a failure. We do not feel a minor bug fix will work, rather the an entire new design is in order. The specs as you should recall were for an intelligent being and after a long review your creation just doesn't seem to measure. Can a being that bids up beach property to astronomic levels because everyone wants to live there, while simultaneously pumping out gases to melt glaciers and flood that land be considered intelligent? Not to mention politics, reality TV, Fox news, Ann Coulter, Barney, and Britney Spears. Not only is the "project" flawed, but it insists on blaming us for its worse motivations. As if the higher powers cared who was shtuping whom. Well the list just goes on and on.

We wish you success at your next endeavor.

Sincerely,

The Management

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Permalink | 22 comments

  •  karma container (3.87 / 16)

    fact does not require fiction for balance

    by mollyd on Thu Aug 11, 2005 at 07:25:08 AM PDT

  •  Nice! (none / 0)

    Mars, Bitches!

    by JessicaDrewSW on Thu Aug 11, 2005 at 07:38:04 AM PDT

  •  You forgot (none / 0)

    to include the problems with knees, backs and, perhaps most important, that females have a better deal on orgasms than do men.

    "Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats." - H.L. Mencken

    by dataguy on Thu Aug 11, 2005 at 07:57:13 AM PDT

    •  no there is a creation myth for that (4.00 / 2)

      At least according to the story I heard, it happened like this:

      On the last day of creation god looked into his toolbox and realized that he had two abillities left that he hadn't distributed.  Since Adam and Eve were his  favorite creations he decided to give them a bonus.

      So god came to them and said "Okay I've got two more gifts left in my box, and since you guys are my only intelligent creature I'm gonna let you pick who gets what"

      "okay the first thing I've got here is 'The Ability to Pee Standing Up'"

      Well, Adam got awfully excited about that one and he jumped up and said "oh! oh! give that one!  that would be so great! Being able to go pee anywhere I want without even having to slow down!  I mean I could write my name in the snow,  not have to leave the Shower to take a leak, yeah that'd be awesome! oh me! give it to me"

      and Eve said "well if he wants it so badly, go ahead and give it to him, I 'll just take whatever's left"

      And God said:  "okay Adam, you can now Pee standing up" an Lo, Adam grew a penis

      Goid then looked at Eve and said "well the only other thing I've got left is "the Ability to Have Multiple Orgasms'....

      Knowledge is power Power Corrupts Study Hard Be Evil

      by Magorn on Thu Aug 11, 2005 at 08:09:50 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    •  You also forgot... (none / 0)

      The blood vessels for the retina that run in front of the retina instead of behind, thus rendering a small part of the retina "blind".  Squid eyes have it right.  So how come the creator did a better job on squid eyes than people?

      by Byron from Denver on Thu Aug 11, 2005 at 08:39:09 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    •  Yeah (none / 0)

      I've often thought that me and my lower back have more than a few arguments against the intelligence of this design...

      Maybe God just forgot to carry a two or something somewhere, which I could understand, as I'm perpetually losing a sign or some stupid shit (the area is... lessee, negative 26!). But then I guess there goes that whole infallibility thing, POOF.

      And us females had to get something exceptional out of that whole "you'll be in excruciating pain once a month" deal. But maybe that's just my opinion.

      by Spit on Thu Aug 11, 2005 at 09:16:29 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    •  It's been recently suggested... (none / 0)

      ...that the fact women, on the average, take a good deal longer to reach orgasm than men has an evolutionary significance. It's supposedly a way to encourage women to find men who are considerate enough to pay attention to their partners' pleasure as well as their own. If a man is thoughtful enough to hold off until his partner comes, the reasoning goes, it's more likely he'll be thoughtful enough to do other altrustic things, such as support his family properly. Whereas the fire and forget crowd....

      by sagesource on Thu Aug 11, 2005 at 09:17:31 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    •  I've always thought (none / 0)

      that the Creator (or nature, or whatever force you choose) understood a great deal about the repective nature of both males and females....it was necessary for certain limitations to be placed upon the male lest he literally screw himself to death.

      by tjb22 on Thu Aug 11, 2005 at 09:33:06 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    •  Females do not have a better deal on orgasms: (none / 0)

      Considering it wasn't until the 70's that the myth of the vaginal orgasm was revealed and that our society is entirely centered around the phallus and men's ejaculation, I don't think it is fair to say women have a better deal.  

      Most men still think women get off from vaginal intercourse, that's a design flaw in men.  You're also conflating sex and gender.  It's men/women males/females, not men/females.  One is biological, the other is social.

      Women are just better at faking it than men.

      Flee fro the prees and dwelle in sothfastnesse.

      by mismolly on Fri Aug 12, 2005 at 02:07:12 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Like my doc said. (none / 0)

    That ruptured appendix is there to provide me with funding for my 2 daughters college fund.

    Looking for Good Reason

    by Clzwld on Thu Aug 11, 2005 at 08:00:37 AM PDT

    •  Surely you meant: (none / 0)

      That ruptured appendix is there to deprive me of funding for my 2 daughters college fund.

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      We are all atheists about most of the gods that society has ever believed in - some of us just go one god further
      -- Richard Dawkins

      by deafmetal on Thu Aug 11, 2005 at 08:45:45 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  VERY nicely done (none / 1)

    And elegant refutation of the "man appeared fully formed" argument...how DO creationsists explain the Coccyx and the Appendix anyway?  6000 years is hardly enough time to let something go vestigal.

    The Stupid thing is this is a mock war.  Something created to make a Certain kind of Christian feel like a persecuted minority in a country where 70% of the people are his co-religionists.  Faith and Science do not Conflict if you only understand both.

    Everytime I read a creationist denouncing Science, I remember an old parish priest of mine who was watching some workmen install a very large and heavy Sculpture/lighting system from the ceiling  of his church before Mass one day.  The cables they were using seemed to him a little thin and sparse to support he massive weight of the object; so he  called the foreman over to express his concern.

    The foreman looked at Him with mock wounded pride and said "oh Father where is your Faith?"

    and the Old Jesuit immediately replied " I have a great and abiding Faith my son, that God will faithfully and unfailingly enforce the laws of physics at all times"

    Knowledge is power Power Corrupts Study Hard Be Evil

    by Magorn on Thu Aug 11, 2005 at 08:01:13 AM PDT

  •  And what's up with the penguins? (none / 0)

    Went to see March of the Penguins.

    Male penguins must protect an egg, balanced between their feet, for THREE MONTHS in blinding blizzards of 100 degree below zero temps, with no food.

    Not intelligent.

    by karenc13 on Thu Aug 11, 2005 at 08:07:36 AM PDT

  •  Love it! n/t (none / 0)

    by MN camera on Thu Aug 11, 2005 at 08:08:34 AM PDT

  •  Well done! (none / 0)

    If only it were this easy to rectify the "mistakes" we call The Bush Administration.

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    We are all atheists about most of the gods that society has ever believed in - some of us just go one god further
    -- Richard Dawkins

    by deafmetal on Thu Aug 11, 2005 at 08:42:55 AM PDT

  •  Hey, Big Enchilada! J-Man! (none / 1)

    Mosey on over to the ranch, fella. We wanna give you the Medal of Freedom, see. Oh, and a big promotion. That's what we do for everybody who screws up around here.

    Love,
    George

    by elmo on Thu Aug 11, 2005 at 09:11:26 AM PDT

Permalink | 22 comments