The Face of the Quagmire:My Chat With a Soldier's Mom

She called across the parking lot saying the day was beautiful and we exchanged pleasantries about the recovery of our lawns from the summer drought.  She escorted her granddaughter to their car as I kept an eye on my sons in the park playing with their three buddies.  We were hosting an end-of-summer blowout for their good friends.  It  was most probably the sight of a mom pulling up on her bike followed by six boys, 12 and under, that signaled  familiarity to her.  I was perhaps an approachable "mom".  

Within six sentences of our conversation she shared that she had two sons in Iraq; a boy in the army in "constant combat" near Mosul and a marine who only just left this last weekend and will be stationed near the Syrian border.  My instinct was that she needed to talk.  I approached her where she stood as her 4 year old granddaughter  crawled over every square inch of the beat up American made car with a small "Support Our Troops" magnet on the back.  

I told her my niece had come home from Iraq in January and I feared my nephew would soon be deployed from Ft. Hood.  I asked her how she was doing, how was she holding up?  She averted her eyes and I knew I had been too personal.  At the risk of stereotyping, but for the purpose of  explanation, I "know" this woman.  This is the small town Wisconsin  Republican.  This is the matriarch of a family of boys.  This is the tough mom who loves her country, knows good from bad and who has an initial air of diplomacy but still renders the liberal feeling frowned upon.  She is steadfast in her beliefs.  However, she is first and foremost a mom. Deeply and entirely dedicated to her family.  I said "It's getting really bad over there".

We bantered about the impossibility of the situation.  On the one hand she acknowledges the insurgency growing because of our presence.  On the other, how can we not help stabilize this country?  And with a look of helplessness and a small pool of tears in her eyes she shook her head. A glint of anger whipped through those eyes when I mentioned our Senator Feingold's  proposal to set a time table for withdrawal but it softened quickly when I introduced his word `flexible'.  And then the tired look, with the tears, again swept over her face.  This, a face of anguish, was obvious every time our conversation led us to an impossible solution.

"That mother down in Texas...I grieve for her.  But that doesn't change anything. It doesn't help.  We're still there. We still have to deal with the situation" she explained pragmatically.  I responded that I had listened to or read every word  possible of Cindy Sheehan's and  that I think she wants to shine a light on the lies of this administration. The administration which was going to bring back personal accountability and responsibility to Washington.  She nodded, clearly understanding that we have been lied to. But you know what?  To her that does not matter one bit.  Her sons are there NOW.  She must live every moment of every day with not knowing  whether her sons made it today or not.  "I would rather not watch the news but I have to.  If I hear of a soldier dying I check to see what city.  If it's Baghdad then I know we're alright".

"You lived through Vietnam. Does this seem similar to you?" I asked.  She nodded in agreement. She added that Vietnam has taught America a lesson in that the veterans are not treated as poorly as they were back then  She laughed as she said her sons have received hugs and gratitude from strangers at the airport...before they had actually even gone anywhere.  She asked me, though, why some people fall silent when she mentions her sons are in the service.  She felt there was a clear anti support sentiment coming from these people.  I was not very good on my feet but proposed a confusion that  for some all these things are political and those things are black and white.

My eight year old then ran up and told us that a boy in the park had just used the "f" word, the "h" word and the "a" word while breaking up their sand pile. This soldier's mom laughed and told my son "Good job with your alphabet!".  I hugged her, which perhaps was again too personal, and told her I would keep her sons in my thoughts and went to find the sailor-talking boy on the playground.

To see  the anguish in this mother's eyes, to feel her reach out days after her second son was deployed, to bear witness to the face of the quagmire has branded my heart somehow today.  When I brought my sons home and slipped into the bathroom to get a moment to myself, I looked in the mirror and saw the tears well in my eyes, for the soldier's mother.

•  A+

  That was a great diary.

  by John Schuller on Thu Aug 25, 2005 at 07:16:22 PM PDT

  •  Thank you n/t

    by One bite at a time on Thu Aug 25, 2005 at 07:18:07 PM PDT

•  THIS is why I come here.

  thanks for another view.

  by busternjake on Thu Aug 25, 2005 at 07:19:38 PM PDT

•  Personal connections like this

  are important.

  We who oppose Bush's Bad War care about, and support, the troops in our way -- we want them home immediately.

  And, deep down, all mothers of troops in the killing zone appreciate that.

  by devtob on Thu Aug 25, 2005 at 07:22:20 PM PDT

  •  Heartbreaking

    when you see the real deal

    by One bite at a time on Thu Aug 25, 2005 at 07:24:48 PM PDT

•  this for sure is the money quote

  - - - clearly understanding that we have been lied to. But you know what?  To her that does not matter one bit.  Her sons are there NOW.  She must live every moment of every day with not knowing  whether her sons made it today or not.
  **

  It does give me sone understanding that I did not have before I read this - and compassion.

  I pray for those families with children in Iraq and Aghanistan - every day must be like unberable
  

  by sara seattle on Thu Aug 25, 2005 at 07:33:17 PM PDT

  •  I think that

    was what I took away with it.  The lies, accusations, etc., etc., while true, truly pale in comparison to the daily anguish she must endure.

    by One bite at a time on Thu Aug 25, 2005 at 07:36:20 PM PDT

  •  I just don't understand, though

    If I had a son or daughter there, and I acknowledged that we had been deceived into this war, I would be down in Crawford, and then Washington, screaming that Bush had better bring my child home RIGHT NOW!! NOW! And I would tell that exact thing to every interviewer, and everyone I encounter every minute of the day.

    How can they support keeping their kids there when they should never have been sent in the first place.  I just don't understand that.

    by adigal on Thu Aug 25, 2005 at 08:01:15 PM PDT

    •  I would be in Crawford as well, but

      there is a very good chance my kids would never have been there in the first place, based on their upbringing.  I, too, have a hard time understanding this viewpoint because I would not have encouraged their joining in a time of peace or a time of turmoil. I ponder the position of these parents who are aware they have been lied to and cannot, based on their entire belief system, reconcile the whole affair.  I only felt from this mom that regardless of all the lies, now it's so late it's meaningless to chase that dragon. The worry is all-consuming

      by One bite at a time on Thu Aug 25, 2005 at 08:16:13 PM PDT

      •  I agree with both of you too

        and being a strong - vocal - woman I tend to forget that many women are very timid, afraid of any number of things.

        For them to speak up about just anything can be difficult -

        My first reaction if my child was in that situation would be action - 'em out of there - of course.  But I think, the number of women that just go along and pray and hope for the best, - is high.

        They are however the women we all need to help to find their courage - so they can help their children come home.

        by sara seattle on Thu Aug 25, 2005 at 10:09:26 PM PDT

  •  That may be the moment to make the connection

    The woman's sons are in Iraq, surviving. Cindy and many others are fighting to help them over here. There is broad consensus that it was domestic political pressure that forced the US to get out of Vietnam.  Even when it didn't sufficiently distinguish between the solders, who were among the first victims of an evil policy, and the policymakers, the US peace movement did not weaken US forces in Indochina.  We owe it to the troops to force the policy makers to be accountable, and to stop letting soldiers die just to avoid admitting a mistake.  

    The leaders must be accountable to the people, and in the end, the people must be accountable to the soldiers. We must assure them that we will not allow their lives and morals to be squandered in some oil-brat's election scheme.

    by Cache on Fri Aug 26, 2005 at 12:46:46 AM PDT

•  Thank you n/t

  by SanJoseLady on Thu Aug 25, 2005 at 08:11:58 PM PDT

•  Thank you

  I am so profoundly grateful that my closest relative  in Bush's pet war has been a nephew who has a leg that will never work right again.  At least he got to keep it and he came home and doesn't have to go back.

  Tears in eyes for this woman who is so frightened and doesn't know how to talk about it or what to say or do.

  Bring them home.  Now.  Bring them ALL home.

  by maybeeso in michigan on Thu Aug 25, 2005 at 10:15:31 PM PDT