BREAKING: God DOES Talk To Bush
Wed Sep 21, 2005 at 01:49:11 PM PDT
It is a well known fact that Bush talks to God. What has not been proven is whether or not God talks to him.
Well, the proof has arrived. My pastor here in Los Angeles is pretty well respected up in Heaven. He gets to see a lot of their internal memos. When he saw this one, he called me immediately.
"You gotta see this!" said my pastor. "But I'm giving it to you on double-super-secret-background." (Apparently God is a maniac about leaks)
So, without naming my source, I am posting the leaked memo in its entirety.
DATE: 09/14/0002005
TO: APPROVED EARTHLY AGENTS
FROM: ST. PETER
SUBJECT: Summary of George W. Bush's recent conversations with YHWH.
SECURITY: CLASSIFIED / EYES ONLY
Much speculation has arisen over US President George Bush's repeated claims that he engages in conversation with The Almighty.
It has been confirmed by Him that such regular conversations have indeed taken place and I am hereby authorized to summarize them for you. All information contained herein is for the express knowledge of Approved Earthly Agents and shall not be disseminated, in any form whatsoever, to any unauthorized being.
Key points (0002000-0002005 AD)
- God told Bush to base his war on WMD. When Bush asked God every night to help him find the WMD, God said, "Tell the people you've already found them. Oh, and go after Joe Wilson real hard, too!" Months later, Bush asked God if he should change his rationale for war. God said, "Yes. Absolutely. In fact, you should announce a new rationale every few months or so." And Bush did as God said. When someone asked Bush where the WMD went, he replied, "Only God knows." And this is true.
- God told all the Republicans to "get in bed" with Bush. Deeply in bed. "I talk to him all the time. Trust me," He told them. "This will serve you well in the 2006 midterms."
- God told Bush not to ever meet with Cindy Sheehan. "She will go away if you don't meet with her," He said. As of this writing, God continues to stand by his advice. [NOTE: Daily communications between Casey Sheehan and his mother have been authorized - St. P.]
- God told Pat Robertson to advocate the assassination of a foreign leader. Roberts didn't know that God was kidding. [SEE HOLY EDICT 0002005-594621A: Immediate Suspension of Heavenly Sarcasm]
- When God sent Hurricane Katrina into the Gulf Coast, he told the President that it was okay to play guitar and eat cake while people were drowning. He also told him to hire Brownie two years earlier. Bush did what God told him to do. [NOTE: All deceased have since been admitted to Heaven - St. P.]
- God told John Ashcroft's to recuse himself from the Plame investigation. Bush was nervous about it, so he prayed for God's help. "Don't worry, George," God said, "Fitzgerald is a Republican. What could go wrong?" God also told Bush to have Scott McClellan tell the entire world that Rove had nothing to do with the leak.
- God told Bush to tell the American people that he'll spend whatever it takes to rebuild New Orleans. "100 billion?" George asked. "More," God said. "200 billion?" George asked again. "That sounds about right. Just make sure everybody knows that you're going to pick up the tab," said The Lord. Bush thought about that a moment and said, "Geez, God. That's a lot of money. What if you hit me with another hurricane?" "That won't happen," said God.
- Bush called upon God to explain the internets to him. The President was worried that he might fall victim to the spread of harmful information. "Worry not, George," said The Lord, "The internet shall be your salvation."
End summary.
cc/ J. Christ / RECORDS
I'd heard it before but, MAN, The Lord really does work in mysterious ways!
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