C&J calls in the second-stringers to grace the front page while we
get a facial and a massage fight the evildoers abroad...
"In a disturbing development this week, Iran broke open the seal on three of its nuclear facilities...which means even if they don't like them they won't be able to return them."
"Vice President Cheney is on an extended tour of the Middle East. They love him over there. He's known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia."
"Osama bin Laden released his first new audiotaped message in over a year. While there is some new material in the message, insiders say it's mostly a Greatest Threats collection. A White House spokesman says they plan to check out the message in its entirety, but they're too busy listening to your phone calls."
"According to a study at the University of Colorado, researchers say morning grogginess can give you a feeling of being legally drunk and unable to think straight. They say this condition can last anywhere from a few minutes in some people to as long as two entire terms in office."
"A Texas paper is reporting that lobbyist Jack Abramoff charged a client $25,000 to have lunch with President Bush. Not surprisingly, this is the most anyone has ever paid for lunch at Chuck E. Cheese."
Mmmmm....Cheese. Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Note: Beep Beep BEEP! "The illegal Bush activity you have reached---Domestic...Spying...Program---has been changed. The new program is: Terrorist...Surveillance...Program. Please make a note of it." Click
By the Numbers:
Days `til Bush's Disarray of the Union Speech: 6
Days `til Setsubun (Shinto celebration of the change of seasons): 9
Percent of January that's over: 80%
Percent of Americans who say winning the lottery is "the most practical" way to accumulate $200,000: 20%
(Source: Opinion Research Corp. via The Week magazine)
Number of songs by Enya in iTunes' new age Top Songs list: 7
Number of songs on The Essential Kenny G CD that are actually essential: 0
Your Puppy Pic of the Day: "Who you callin' fatass?? I'm big-boned."
CHEERS to Democratic unity. Yesterday all 8 Dem Senators on the Judiciary Committee voted against the nomination of Samuel "I Can't Believe I'm Getting' Away With This" Alito. And if those three Republicans hadn't jimmied the lock from inside the broom closet we woulda blocked the bastard. (Who knew Tom Coburn wore bobby pins??)
JEERS to toy soldiers. That's how the president, his gorilla VP and his autopen-loving defense secretary have treated our troops since day 1. And now the "thin green line" is at the breaking point, according to a new study by---uh oh---the Pentagon itself. Responding to the crisis, Senator Rick Santorum issued an urgent plea to Americans:
"What I'm asking all of you tonight is not to put on a uniform. Put on a bumper sticker."
Why not just arm us all with atom bombs fer chrissakes. Radical wingnut...
CHEERS to reality-based science (with a side of snark). The YearlyKos Board announced the science panel for the June convention in Las Vegas yesterday:
Chris Mooney is the author of The Republican War on Science, Washington correspondent for Seed, and senior correspondent for The American Prospect. He maintains a popular blog called The Intersection.
Dr. PZ Myers is an associate professor of biology at the University of Minnesota. He runs the most popular science blog on the web, Pharyngula, is a founding member of the popular blog The Panda's Thumb, and is a regular contributor to the American Street blog.
Wendy Northcutt is the author of the bestseller The Darwin Awards: Evolution in Action and founded DarwinAwards.com one of the most popular humor pages on the web.
Be sure to bring your favorite mystery liquids and powders. We're saving the last ten minutes to play a game of Hey! You Can't Mix Those Together...Can You?
CHEERS to Linda Bilmes and Joseph Stiglitz. For gutting Bush's rush to war like a fish. Their closing paragraphs say everything:
Thinking back to the months before the war, there were few reasons to invade quickly, and many to go slow. The Bush policy of threatened force had pressured Iraq into allowing the U.N. inspectors back into the country. The inspectors said they required a few months to complete their work. Several of our closest allies, including France and Germany, were urging the U.S. to await the outcome of the inspections. There were, as we now know, conflicting intelligence reports.
Had we waited, the value of the information we would have learned from the inspectors would arguably have saved the nation at least $1 trillion---enough money to fix Social Security for the next 75 years twice over.
Or...we could've saved Social Security for 75 years once, and used the other $500 billion to give every Maine adult half a million bucks. Thanks, Bush...we were this close.
JEERS to the GOP's John Kerry. Mitt Romney demonstrates a little deft flip floppery on the Bush spying scandal:
"The eavesdropping is a big matter on the coasts for people who are inclined to dislike the president," Mr. Romney said. "The great majority of Americans think it is the president's first responsibility to protect the lives of the American citizens in an urgent setting where there is a threat of terrorism."
But Mr. Romney called back a few moments later to make clear that he would have a different view if the program were found to be unlawful.
That's right. He's for illegal surveillance until he's against it. Is there something in the water in Massachusetts??
JEERS to the insanity of war. Robert Altman's alternately hilarious and horrific `M*A*S*H' was released 36 years ago today. Of course, when they start making movies about the Iraq debacle, the 1970 flick will look like an episode of Masterpiece Theatre.
CHEERS to voting day. Hamas! Fatah! Hamas! Fatah! Sharpton! (Sharpton?) Palestinians go to the polls today in the first election there in a decade. Here in America, the traditional media are dukin' it out over their coverage. The rules: 1) Whoever shows the most close-ups of ink-stained fingers in the next 24 hours...wins. 2) See Rule #1.
CHEERS to the new science of getting your husband off the couch. In Croatia, a man in need of a kidney transplant got the needed organ from a woman donor. The surgery was successful, but the man is suing health authorities because he claims the female organ is responsible for his sudden attraction to housecleaning. Which explains why all the other Croatian husbands have suddenly started sleeping with one eye open.
One Year Ago in C&J: January 25, 2005
JEERS to John Ashcroft. With crocodile tears in his eyes, he bids farewell to his minions. For the record, C&J thinks history will judge you, sir, as a lousy AG with little regard for individual liberty and freedom. But at least now Crisco can begin the arduous task of restoring its reputation.
CHEERS to Yankee wisdom. Maine Senator Olympia Snowe on CNN's `Inside Politics' Sunday:
"The existing [Social Security] program, as it has been developed in the last 70 years, provides a stable monthly income that has prevented seniors, almost 50 percent from falling into poverty. I don't think we want to erode the principles of that system. I'm certainly not going to support diverting $2 trillion from Social Security into creating personal savings accounts."
Not even if you and I---wink, wink---split it 50-50?
And just one more...
CHEERS to Calvin Trillin. The "Deadline Poet" at The Nation strikes again:
George W. Bush Explains The `Signing Statement' Issued When He Signed John McCain's Anti-Torture Amendment Into Law
Since I'm the one in charge in war,
I'll do what I have done before
If it's consistent with my duties.
Is that an out? You bet your booties.
The boss is boss; he can't be bossed.
I signed, but with my fingers crossed.
We do not torture, never will.
So why did we oppose John's bill?
Don't ask, unless you'd like this plan:
Rendition to Uzbekistan.
McCain won't win. We haven't lost.
I signed, but with my fingers crossed.
The guy was born with them crossed.
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless testimonial:
"It's like putting a tack in the wall with a sledgehammer, because Cheers and Jeers has such a potent effect."
---Respiratory therapist Tim Op't Holt
Victory Health Partners