We have all bemoaned the fact that what we, the "netroots", or "progressives", or "liberals", or "Daily Kos members", or whatever, do not have effective leadership. Sure, this is Kos' website -- but he has repeatedly said he does not want to be a leader. This denial of leadership makes leadership impossible, and has broken the back of the leadershipability of this site.
And because of that lack of leadership, we are leaderless. We have, of course, various leaders of the Democratic Party posting to this site. But they are too leaderly. We want leadership, but we do not want to be preached to by people in leadership positions.
We want leadership from people who are not leaders, but who are nonetheless willing to be leaders, and excluding those who may be leaders but who say they are not leaders.
It is a daunting task, but hope is not lost. There is a leadership void, but I, my fellow Kossians, have decided to fill it.
Where Kos cannot; where individual diarists cannot; where Democratic elected officials cannot; where your own well-researched opinions and core convictions cannot, I shall step in. Because the movement hungers for it, I shall be Your Leader.
About Me
I am eminently qualified for the position. First off, I have various opinions on things. What these opinions are, I cannot tell you, because we are a coalition of very, very pissy people. If I reveal my opinions on some issues, it will cause disagreements which will fracture, unavoidably and with great venom, our coalition. Therefore, suffice it to say that I indeed have these various opinions.
Among the things I have opinions about:
- The Iraq War
- Environmentalism
- National Security
- Healthcare and Education
- Civil Rights
- Governmental Corruption
- Electoral Corruption
- Economic Initiatives
- Tax Policy
- How Much Various People Suck, And Why
I realize, that by listing these various things that I have various opinions about, I may have walked into the dangerous trap of implying an ordering or prioritization of them, which is not necessarily the same prioritization as you yourself might give them. Not to worry: I assure you that my opinions are all so closely in tune with your own as to be indistinguishable from your own innermost opinions, and have explicitly randomized the things I have opinions about so as to demonstrate the strength of my convictions towards them.
In fact, I even specifically left many, many other things that i have an opinion about out of that list, just to show that my opinions are so resolute and full of leadership that I do not even have to mention them.
Also, I am strongly for polygamy.
What A Leader Does: Leads
There is, of course, only one true task of leadership, and that is to lead people. Thus, it is now time for me to start leading.
First off, there is the matter of the Patriot Act. As my first act of leadership, I demand that we radically alter the contents of the Patriot Act. So please get on that, everyone. All that is required, in order to achieve the necessary results, is strong central leadership of the blogs -- the central pivot point that was lacking in the Alito fight. Now that I have provided that, I think we can now expect to see solid results.
Also, you do not pay enough attention to the following issues:
- Abu Ghraib
- Environmentalism
- The Fitzgerald Investigation
- The Budget Fights
- Abramoff
- Diebold
Please pay attention to these issues, but more importantly all other issues I have not mentioned, according to the proportions that my leadership suggests is required. To be safest, it is best to concentrate, with full force and effort, on every single issue to the exclusion of each other issue. This way, no issues will not get their proper attention.
In general, my leadership goals are to get people to stop talking about the things that they most talk about, in diary after diary after diary, and to start talking about the things that they are not talking about. Except, of course, for those diarists which are already talking about the right things, which they may continue to do.
Enough About Me. How Can YOU Help Me?
It is important to recognize that no leader leads alone. He or she must lead various peoples, known as the "led". In order for me to be an effective leader, the "led" must do what I say.
First, I want you to understand that just as I have made the large sacrifice of having very deep seated, honorable, intellectually weighty and profound opinions which must be kept very secret, for the good of the coalition, it is incumbent upon you to do the same.
(Note that good leaders always use big, leaderesque words like "incumbent". And are not unwilling to provide leadership in the American language itself, by giving birth to words like "leaderesque".)
Having a variety of opinions, especially on things like issues, is a recipe for dissolution of our strength. Hard-hitting analysis of various topics, such as any of those I have outlined above, may indeed be compelling; it is also, if based on specific opinions or analysis, doomed to split off any parties which may have different opinions or analysis. These people will then form their own websites, which will be used to weaken my leadership. And that, in turn, hurts you, since you will no longer have the leadership which is required for you to push forth your hard-hitting opinions and analysis.
So for the sake of protecting the full vigor and strength of your proposals, please do not mention them.
You may, in the course of visiting this site or other sites, run across people who do express their opinions. This is a tricky area, but you should ask yourself the following questions:
- Does this opinion differ in even the slightest possible way from my own?
- Does the author use any words or turns of phrase that I would have not used?
- Is there some other topic that this person should have been focusing on, instead of wasting his or her time writing about their opinion on this topic?
If that answer to any of these questions is
yes, please treat the opinion-haver as your mortal enemy for the duration of your natural life. It may certainly be the case that they may come back the next week with an opinion you agree with in all regards -- this is a trick, meant to sap your resolve by allowing future infighting when they proceed to dick you over next week with another questionable turn of phrase.
Remember the central principle, here: the only way our coalition will ever become big enough to make decisive inroads into American politics is if we reject all members of the coalition except for the smallest possible core of people. This is known as the Hunter Conundrum, after its discoverer, or at least after the person who most recently elucidated it after forgetting the various other names the same phenomenon has existed under for the last several thousand years of human history.
A Fracturing of the Coalition
There is, however, trouble in the ranks, as I can already see. Already, there are mutterings about whether or not I deserve this mantle of leadership. Whether or not my opinions, which I have left unelucidated for the sake of the broadest possible reach of our coalition, can truly reflect the perfection which is required for any leader to be allowed to lead. If even one of my opinions does not reflect well, presuming I had one and told you about it, then that is, after all, the end of all possibility of coalition or leadership. Arguments over even the most complex of topics cannot be tolerated, or it is a demonstration that leadership has failed.
And, down below, I see various comments that are criticizing me and my leadership skills. Well, I don't see them yet, but based on past experience, I fully predict it will happen.
Therefore, I must resign this mantle of leadership, because you are all shallow and ungrateful jackasses.
Get yourself a new leader, you ungrateful, pissy bastards. And count yourselves lucky if I ever grace these halls again.