Today is the day before Ash Wednesday, traditionally the last occasion to enjoy worldly pleasures like meat or sweets before Lent. Nowadays, it's an occasion to get rip-roaring drunk and make "Girls Gone Wild" videos. It's called Carnivale, Shrove Tuesday, Fat Tuesday, Pancake Tuesday. It's
Mardi Gras in Louisiana and Key West, where's it widely considered to be a clothing-optional holiday.
One enduring tradition (besides GGW videos) is consuming some variety of fattening pastry. In NOLA, it's a king cake. In other places, it's crepes, pancakes, or doughnuts. Here, the "treats" of choice are fastnachts, from the Pennsylvania Dutch word for "potato-flavored bricks." They're heavy and punishing pastries to match the heavy, punishing theology of the area. Read the ingredients and weep: 1 cup riced potatoes, 2 eggs, 2/3 cup sugar, 1 cup buttermilk, 2 tbsp. melted butter, 4 cups flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, nutmeg or cinnamon, and a "lovely dusting" of sugar.
Repent, fuckers! Cheers and Jeers comes crashing down like a hockey puck ripping its way through your colon right---rrrriiippp!!!---now! Thud!
Note: It's been said many times before, but once more can't hurt: you're doing a heckuva job, Bushie. A heckuva job.
Your obligatory puppy picture of the day. We wouldn't think of it, big guy. Like we said, Mardi Gras is clothing optional.
Oh, and what the heck: have a bonus shot. Always happy to make Mrs Pastor giggle. Get your mind out of the gutter, Gahm.
By the numbers:
Number of square miles of New Orleans "abandoned and rotting" after Hurricane Katrina: 100+
Size of barge, in tons, of a barge stranded in a New Orleans neighborhood: 150
Size, in cubic yards, of debris removed from the city so far: 33,000,000
Size, in cubic yards, of dirt dug by French to construct Suez Canal: 105,000,000
Percent of levee reconstruction completed: 40
Number of New Orleans business in operation post-Katrina: 2250 (of 15,000)
Number of restaraunts in operation: 1,000 (of 3,000)
Number of New Orleans refugees now living in Baton Rouge: 100,000
Number of New Orleans residents remaining in city: 161,333 (of 484,000)
Number of residents confirmed dead from Katrina: 1420, and rising
Number of residents still missing: 1926
Number of missing who are children: 120
Days until Hurricane Season: 92
Amount of alcohol in a New Orleans Hand Grenade: 7.5
You might want to make yours a double.
Source for above statistics: LA Times, here and here; see here for more depressing numbers.
Well, after that rousing start:
NOLA:
Cheers! first and foremost to N'Awlins, the Big Easy, the Crescent City Crawfish Central. It's been in existence for 288 years, and God willing, it'll be here for another 288, so long as we don't have another Category 5 storm in the next 3. If only our sodden mess of a president were still having youthful indiscretions in the French Quarter instead of royally dicking over our nation, we wouldn't have to worry about it.
Oh, we're sorry. Was that bitter? Toss us some beads and a Dixie, and it's all good.
Cheers! especially to New Orleans' musical heritage. Just a few of the artists who hail from N.O.:
- Jelly Roll Morton
- Louis Armstrong
- Neville Brothers
- Thomas Dorsey (The father of modern gospel, including "Near the Cross")
- Buddy Bolden
- Sidney Bechet
- King Oliver
- Fats Domino
- Ellis Marsalis
- Wynton Marsalis
- Bradford Marsalis
- Harry Connick, Jr. (I need a drink)
- Scott Joplin
- Louis Prima (Some wine?)
- Mahalia Jackson
- Professor Longhair
- Dirty Dozen Brass Band
- Dr. John, the Night Tripper (Some LSD?)
- Better Than Ezra
- Allen Toussaint
- Irma Thomas
- Al Hirt
- Dixicups ("Iko Iko")
- Dorothy Lamour
- Ernie K-Doe ("Mother-in-Law")
- Frankie Ford ("Sea Cruise")
Expanding the area to take in Louisiana gives us:
- Britney Spears (I need a shower)
- Buddy Guy
- Buckwheat Zydeco
- Faron Young
- Hank Williams, Jr. (I need a shower and a shot)
- Jerry Lee Lewis (better make that one for my friend, too)
- Jimmie Davis
- Jimmy Buffett (make it three)
- Keb Mo
- Leadbelly
- Kix Brooks (just give me the damn bottle)
- "Sam the Sham" and the Pharoahs
- Subdudes
- Tim McGraw
- Van Cliburn
- Wayne Toups
And if we expand the list to take in semi-talented actors who should under no circumstances be allowed near a guitar and a microphone, we can include:
- Dennis Quaid (Kevin Bacon was born in Philly)
Morphine, please.
Jeers! to "na, na, na, I can't HEAR you..." To no one's surprise, the Republican leadership in Washington has examined the failures in the Federal response to Katrina, and has found...the Federal Gubmit can't do jack. Oh, and the White House, in its report, has decided that there's no need for a messy independent commission to look at things and recommend changes. For once, the Yellow Elephants have something right:
Analyst James Jay Carafano of the Heritage Foundation said the report rightly identifies the need for regional DHS offices that could act in the first 72 hours of a disaster.
"You can't have a response run out of Washington," he said. "If you wait for a response to come out of Washington, we're all going to die."
Out of this Washington, anyway. We left the place with a new carburetor, an all-around tune-up, and a spiffy set of rims. It's not our fault you drove the damn thing into a curb.
Cheers! to the Lord loving cheerful givers: yeah, yeah, strip away the White House spin and its questionable allocation of resources to "faith-based initiatives," a.k.a. welfare for churches. It's still true that one of the few bright spots in the response to Katrina was the churches and other religious groups who rushed in to fill the void. And yes, the Secularists were there too. In fact, a lot of private organizations were there, which is kinda strange when you consider that the Federal government has something to do with disaster relief. But the point is - and save that little bit of puke in your mouth for later, you'll need it after the third Hand Grenade - the White House is right about this. A lot of very generous people, both secular and religious, stepped up to the plate when they were needed. Which is very strange, when you consider...
Aw, screw it. Start puking.
Jeers! to the moths flying out of our wallets: of the estimated $3 billion raised by private groups for hurricane relief, over $2 billion has been spent, leaving about $920 million to be distributed over decades of need. Meanwhile, the total Federal tab may run to $200 billion. At fifty cents a brownie, that's a helluva lot of bake sales. Are you done puking? 'Cause we could sure use your help with this here crowbar...
Cheers! to pressing on, despite the long, hard uphill slog: a sister congregation, Beecher Memorial Congregational UCC, was covered with 6 to 9 feet of water in the Ninth Ward. Now they are part of a consortium of churches holding occasional worship services and trying to rebuild their lives. Our neck of the UCC - the Penn Central Conference - is sending a work group to help Beecher and the Ninth Ward at the beginning of April. The group will bring tools (on the wish list: "Brushes, Rollers and pads, Extension poles, Drop cloths, Brush cleaners and paint trays, Hammers, Pry bars, Putty knives, Razor knifes, Chalk lines, Screw drivers, Ladders, Dry wall squares, Masks, Gloves rubber - work, Toolbox large, Respirators and Tape measures, Sawzall, Circular saw, Screw guns, Corded(less) drills and bits, Hand saws and Wood saws for cutting branches") and helping to clear debris. One shovel, two, three...have we hit 33 million yet?
Jeers! to "spending money to make money": It has been revealed that the Red Cross blew $500,000 to fluff its CEO's image and recruit celebrity representatives. Now, this took place between 2003 and 2004, so they were "only" wasting 9/11 funds, not Katrina monies. We might be inclined to write this off as one more example of Red Cross idiocy (after all, this is the organization that hired Liddy Freaking Dole as its spokesmodel-in-chief), were it not for this: those celebrities they collected? Yeah, Keiko Agena of "Gilmore Girls" and Spike Lee. So, so wasteful. So, so tacky...
And:
Cheers! to the Answerman, aka Bourbocam's Jester at NOLA.com, who has created perhaps the most wonderful Mardi Gras FAQ we've seen. Our favorite section:
7) Is there a lot of nudity during Mardi Gras?
That depends on your definition of "a lot." Most of all, it depends on where you're standing. There is absolutely SOME nudity during Mardi Gras. In general, it occurs within the French Quarter, where my Bible Belt dictionary would define it as "a lot." And while Bourbon Street is the densely packed center of this carnal display, it is certainly not confined to Bourbon Street. By nudity, we mean the flashing of body parts, either for beads or for other reasons. In fairness to Mardi Gras, this activity goes on year-round on Bourbon Street, although not at this pace. Which is why we warn people to keep their kids away. Most places in the city, you are unlikely to see any nudity at all . . . and if you do, you are likely to see the exposed person in handcuffs a short time later.
This guy's either writing directly to Bill, or he is Bill, calling to let us know how things are going so far. Pee Ess: don't miss Question 8, "What's the Best Way to Get Beads?"
The Rest:
Cheers! to Clarence Thomas' fantasy come true: Anna Nicole Smith appears before the U.S. Supreme Court today in a hearing over the resolution of her late hubby's estate. The NPR capsule report said that the appellate judge in the case ruled that Smith "may have been a gold-digger and illiterate, but she cared for her husband, and he was crazy for her." Now, that's justice, American style. No, Clarence, we can't arrange for Jenna Jamison to bring a case to the court.
Jeers! to the other case before the Supreme Court today involving socially-acceptable forms of prostitution: the Justices are to hear a challenge to the Vermont campaign-finance law signed by my man Howard Dean in 1997. We smell Mitch McConnell in back of this somewhere, especially since it's the Vermont Republican Party that's making the challenge. Of the two whores, we'll take Smith any day of the week - and we watched her trainwreck of a show.
After that set, we need something to cleanse our palates and soothe our minds. Cheers! then to the long-suffering Mrs Pastor, the Light Of My Life Without Whom I Would Be Utterly Lost (and cleaning up beagle crap on my own). Smoochies!
Jeers! to "the doctor can see you in a couple of years": there are 7,500 board-approved child psychiatrists licensed to practice in the U.S. That's 7,500 doctors who can appropriately treat the estimated 15 million children with mental-health or addiction issues. How bad is the problem? It's so bad that when I interviewed US Rep. Jim McDermott - a licensed psychiatrist - last year, I asked him if he'd consider moving to central PA to work for the agency that employs Mrs Pastor and me. I wasn't kidding.
Cheers! to a busy day in history: in 1784, John Wesley founded the first Methodist Church in the United States. Methodists have been coming down squarely on both sides of the fence ever since. Oh, and just a rumor we picked up: that "heart strangely warmed?" It was a lot like sea-sickness. </inside joke>
Also on this day: the ATF raids the Branch Davidian compound in Waco, Texas, proving yet again that the most intelligent way to deal with heavily-armed idiots is to send in more heavily-armed idiots. Update: to avoid any confusion, the ATF was thoroughly outgunned.
AND on this day in 1968, Gen. Earle Wheeler, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, informs President Johnson that Gen. William Westmoreland will need more troops to stem the insurgency "operating with relative freedom in the countryside." Wow, doesn't that sound familiar? Perhaps it's something we heard on M*A*S*H, which aired for the final time on this day in 1983. We all got to stay up late for the finale.
Ah, it's always nice to hear when wars come to an end, as Gulf War I did in 1991. And check this tidbit:
It has emerged that "friendly fire" killed more British troops than the Iraqis did - of 16 British soldiers who died, nine were killed by Americans.
Of 148 Americans who died, 35 were killed by friendly fire.
Iraqi deaths are estimated at 50,000, with 100,000 wounded.
Fond memories - relatively speaking. Where's Cpl. Klinger when you need him?
Also today: Cheers! to the birthday of the Shrill One, Paul Krugman, who vies with Al Gore for the title of Smartest Bush Critic. He's 53. Wish him many, many more...
Jeers! to na, na, na, I can't HEAR you pt. II: despite warnings from the US Coast Guard and frenzied Republican pollsters, the Bush Administration is pushing ahead with its plan to sell off American security to the highest bidder drag its feet while it tries to figure out a way to undo its self-inflicted foot damage stick to core economic principles. Pee Ess: Senator Frist, when someone throws you some beads, you need only flash your chest, not lift your skirts, too.
Pee Pee Ess: Joe Lieberman just called. He wants his joke back.
Pee Pee Pee Ess: 34 percent, bitches. Cheers! to slippery surfaces! (Oh and feast on the story title in that link!)
Cheers! to gibberish. Read the first two paragraphs of this post, and see if you can make any goddam sense out of them. It's not the poster's fault - it's his sources that are complete raving lunatics. Since one of those sources includes Jonah Goldberg, we feel obliged to direct you next to this piece of absolute gibberish. Compare the fat, hairy monsters and tell me which ones you find more entertaining.
Jeers! to dubious soil-improvement plans...
Jeers! to God's littlest army: via JesusPolitics, we see this hair-raising bit of lunacy:
We have allowed Satan to run his strategy..."own the schools, and I will own the culture." Our children have been actively discipled by the people who spend the most time teaching them, so it is no wonder then that Christian students are involved in binge drinking, drug use, sexual experimentation and dishonesty with nearly the same frequency as unchurched youth. Despite unparalleled moral and spiritual decay in our culture and schools over the last 40 years, our strategy for reaching and discipling children in most Southern Baptist churches remains essentially unchanged from the 1960s. If we like what we see looking back over the last 40 years, we should keep doing what we are doing now. If not, we must evaluate our educational strategy and make some radical changes.
Passing the baton of faith to the next generation requires taking ownership of the education of our children. We must bring those 16,000 hours back under the authority of the Body (the Christian home and church), providing a unity of message between the home, church and school, instead of the schism that now exists. The fallacious notion that our children will be effective missionaries in schools that are increasingly hostile to Christian adults does not pass the reality test. That has been our strategy for the last half century, and the depressing results are evident. The horse is dead. It is time to dismount. We should quadruple our efforts to train and send adults into this mission field, but the children should be trained by Christian parents and teachers under the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Scripture demands that they be trained to know and reverence God.
Wow. We are almost gobsmacked by that one. The only things we can think to say are: 1. It's possible to raise good, moral children without undermining civic institutions. And 2. in re: Christ owning the schools - on behalf of mkrell, Jeffrey Feldman, and my many, many Jewish friends, I have to say: Jesus saves, but Moses invests!
And one more:
Cheers! to blue tarps. They are apparently the choice of all the snark-minded krewes in NOLA this year, which is to say most of them. Less a symbol than a defiant middle finger extended to the gods of wind, rain, and Bush appointees, the humble covering of many a FEMA-repaired house have become the most marvelous social statements this Mardi Gras. Fabulous, dahlings...now pass me that Hand Grenade before somebody gets hurt...
Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"Pastordan is seen as a good protector for Cheers and Jeers. The more the perceived missteps, the greater the chances for further declines in support," said pollster Andrew Kohut, director of the Pew Research Center.