From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
IF NOT US, WHO...?
Today people speak of it in hushed voices...if they speak of it at all. A rift so severe that it shattered and scarred us. Then it shattered our scars. Pitting brother against sister, uncle against aunt, casual acquaintance against lifelong friend. It drained our treasury, darkened our skies, and forced the Metro buses to run on a reduced schedule. And in the middle of this upheaval...a pastry.
I'm speaking, of course, of...the Daily Kos Pie Fight of `05.
After nine months of reconstruction (including $15 and 20,000 pounds of ice from FEMA, which arrived Tuesday), the world's #1 political blog is back on its feet, attracting dozens of unique (to put it mildly) visitors per day. Angry defectors have returned to join our chorus of Democratic voices until they can be tracked down and jailed for desertion. And the carpets are as clean as they're gonna get. And yet...it is not over.
I know what you're saying (via U.S. News & World Report):
Bill, why did you have to re-break-open that old chestnut? Can't you see we're tired, fragmented, and our tongues are still raw from licking our wounds? [...] blahblahblah for 20 minutes; man you guys can talk [...] We're not ready to re-live this!
I know I know. But America needs you. Okay...Florida needs you. You and your grizzled pie-war veteran-ness. Begun, a new pie war has. And this time, instead of Kossack vs. Kossack...it's pecan vs. key lime.
Before Katherine Harris or Jeb Bush get a chance to muck it up, take the C&J/Diebold no-paper-trail poll. Then stain your thumb with some indelible substance to prevent yourself from voting twice (octopus ink works well and is available at finer stationery boutiques or Sea World if you sneak in while Rusty the night watchman is on his Playboy "potty break"). You can do this. I know you can.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 17, 2006
Note: Today we are all Irish. Tomorrow...Moroccan.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til the new season of South Park begins: 5
Days `til Daylight Saving Time kicks in: 16
Ceiling on the national debt as of yesterday's Senate vote: $9,000,000,000,000
(Source: AP)
Amount Americans spent on dog food in 2004: $14.3 billion
Amount spent on baby food: $13 billion
(Source: The Washington Post via The Week magazine)
Days the federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,466
Days spent at terror alert level Green or Blue: 0
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: Irish setter. Don't try to fool us---we know that's full of green beer...
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CHEERS to the policewoman of the press. Mark your calendars for June 20---the day White House reporter Helen Thomas releases her take-no-prisoners book, Watchdogs of Democracy? The Waning Washington Press Corps and How It Has Failed the Public. This week's edition of The Nation has an excerpt here. A morsel:
Reporters and editors like to think of themselves as watchdogs for the public good. But in recent years both individual reporters and their ever-growing corporate ownership have defaulted on that role. Ted Stannard, an academic and former UPI correspondent, put it this way: "When watchdogs, bird dogs, and bull dogs morph into lap dogs, lazy dogs, or yellow dogs, the nation is in trouble."
The naïve complicity of the press and the government was never more pronounced than in the prelude to the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq. The media became an echo chamber for White House pronouncements. One example: At President Bush's March 6, 2003, news conference, in which he made it eminently clear that the United States was going to war, one reporter pleased the "born again" Bush when she asked him if he prayed about going to war. And so it went.
Which reminds me...can we please start those blogger ethics hearings already??
JEERS to unfinished business. All eyes were on the Iraqi parliament yesterday, which met for the first time to move the fledgling democracy forward by putting aside petty squabbles and addressing the needs of the citizenry. C&J has obtained a full transcript of yesterday's Iraq Parliament session: "Meeting is called to order thanks for coming goodbye and drive safely." It was the most productive day in the country's history.
CHEERS to Operation Swarmer. Upside: We gonna mop us up some insurgent dogs, baby! Downside: for the next six months it's gonna be "Operation Swarmer: The Shocking Secret Untold Story From Deep Inside The Forbidden Battle Zone Of Lead And Fire" on every TV network including Animal Planet. So...tell me how this Sudoku thing works.
CHEERS to sneak previews. Rep. Nancy Pelosi offers a sneak peak into the upcoming Democratic plan to win the hearts and minds of America:
America lags behind other countries that have universal broadband deployment, Pelosi said; but the Democrats' agenda "guarantees" that every American will have affordable access to broadband within five years.
If you could just replace the word "affordable" with "free," you might have something there.
JEERS to profiteering. A new government audit shows that lots of money was wasted in the awarding of (limited or no-bid) contracts to companies hired to provide hurricane relief. The biggest example of waste cited: the paychecks of Michael Chertoff and Michael Brown.
PARENTAL ADVISORY to an image that would incur a $500,000 fine if shown on network TV. The cover of Bill O'Reilly's upcoming book is not for the faint of heart. Apparently the publisher could only afford to have a photographer do a 3am click-and-dash. But I have to admit, I've never seen cheeks in that particular shade of gray before.
CHEERS to a bell curve we can believe in. Words of wisdom from C&J'er "used meat" in the comments yesterday:
Heed this bit of advice a co-worker gave me. Working is like driving a car, when you come to a red light you don't jam on the brakes. When that light turns green you don't floor it. You start and stop gradually, the same goes for work. Start off slowly, peak Wednesday and come to a stop by 2 o'clock Friday afternoon.
That late, huh?
CHEERS to Indy IV. Harrison Ford says a script is finally ready and soon he may be again playing a role that made him famous. They're calling it Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Adult Diaper.
JEERS to another disastrous choice. President Bush has chosen Dirk "Diggler" Kempthorne to replace Gale Norton as his new Secretary of Dead Fish and Scorched Earth.
During Kempthorne's four-and-a-half-year tenure as governor, Idaho's pristine air has gotten dirtier, more rivers have been polluted, fewer polluters have been inspected and more toxins have contaminated the air, water and land, according to a Knight Ridder analysis of Idaho pollution data from EPA and state records.
The appointee was so thrilled that this weekend he's treating his staff to an all-expenses-paid seal-kicking retreat.
ICK! to surgical procedures the religious right will go orgasmic over. Have you heard about "virginity restoration?" For as little as $2,000 (c'mon down! We're dealin'!), women can have their hymens rebuilt. Many are doing it now so they can give the ultimate gift to their man---virginity. Says one woman in The Week magazine: "What an awesome gift to give the man in my life who deserves everything. Giving it up to Louis was the ultimate experience." Sorry guys, no surgery for you...once your genie's outta the bottle, it ain't goin' back in.
WHOOOOOOOOO!!!!! to NCAA hoops, baby!! Because while you're glued to the tube, I'll be crawling through your bedroom window to steal your stuff. Suh-wish!
JEERS to head-in-the-sand opinions. Wow. Has the editorial board at the New York Times lost its friggin' mind? In today's lead editorial, they say that, instead of a censure motion, Senator Russ Feingold should be calling for a "bipartisan investigation" into Bush's illegal wiretapping activities. Um...been there, done that. These guys should read a newspaper once in awhile.
CHEERS to snapping back. The rubber band was patented on this date in 1845 by Stephen Perry, who lost his fortune but then went on to success as the lead singer for Journey. So remember kids, don't stop believin'!
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One Year Ago in C&J: March 17, 2005...
CHEERS to fixing Social Security. Bush said this at his press conference yesterday about private accounts:
"You get to decide whether you want to set some of your money aside in an account that will earn a better rate of return than that which will be earned in the Social Security system."
C&J's question: If there's a way to earn a higher rate of return, why aren't we doing that with Social Security now? (We would've asked him ourselves but, dang, those press passes are hard to get if you're not a closeted gay hooker).
JEERS to traumatic bedtime stories. Once upon a time, a U.N. monitoring board wanted to investigate Halliburton's reconstruction contracts in Iraq. So the White House gave the U.N. monitoring board heavily blacked-out audits. But the blacked-out stuff showed that Halliburton bilked the military out of $100 million and basically ran the place like a bunch of chimps. So who blacked out the report? Why, Halliburton itself, because the White House gave them the report and let them self-edit it. And they all lived happily ever after!
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And just one more...
CHEERS to the Top 10 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Buying A Shillelagh:
10. "Do I need another Shillelagh?"
9. "Should I pay the extra ten dollars and get the Mach 3 Shillelagh?"
8. "In case I need assistance, is there a Shillelagh customer service hotline?"
7. "Used Shillelagh: Unsanitary?"
6. "What does the size of my Shillelagh say about me?"
5. "Where does John Kerry stand on Shillelaghs?"
4. "Should I hold off until the [2006] Shillelaghs arrive?"
3. "Should I just go to the yard and get a stick?"
2. "Will I get a discount if my name is Shelly?"
1. "Am I comfortable being known as 'That jackass with the Shillelagh'?"
---Late Show with David Letterman
Floor's O'open. What are you O'Cheering and O'Jeering about today?