Yes, they are there. Watching my every move. Nestled between my esophagus and duodenum, little green men are monitoring my behavior, my posts on blogs, and my daily intake of fiber. They are there. If you listen very closely, you will hear them grumble. Not that grumble, the other one.
Who planted these little green men in my stomach, you ask? Well, we all know that they were planted there by a secret, subterranean, lawless faction of the Department of Homeland Security or DHS (once known as Department of Human Services - pre 9/11). How do I know this? Well, they told me. Directly? Of course not, they are much too clever.
More Spew Below the Folds
Instead they told me through this blog. This one right here! The one you're about to stop reading. The one you stopped paying attention to 60-65 words ago. Why? Because it's crazy. "Batshit crazy" - like my cute, curly-haired adorable little 4-year-old niece used to say.
Here is what they [DHS] said. "WE ARE ABOUT TO PUT LITTLE GREEN MEN INTO YOUR STOMACH BECAUSE WE WANT TO DRIVE YOU BATSHIT CRAZY. WE WANT TO MONITOR YOUR EVERY MOVEMENT. WHY? BECAUSE YOUR MOVEMENTS, IF WE LOOK CLOSELY ENOUGH, WILL PROVIDE US LITTLE KERNALS OF TRUTH AND INSIGHT INTO WHO YOU ARE AND WHY YOU ARE BATSHIT CRAZY!
That's what they said to me right before they overtook this blog and put little green men into my stomach. I swear on all that is holey.