Ya know, I realized today that I can't fuckin wait for The Rapture.
Since we're all very aware now that the Rapture (gasp!) is coming to take all of the batshit insaners up up and away into the great beyond above (or some such bullshit), I decided to start researching to figure out exactly who and what is gonna happen.
During the course of my in-depth research, I came across this handy dandy guide to Life After the Rapture which I will now share with you via my Mystical Magical Ctrl-C Control-C SuperPowers. Don't hate the playa, hate the game!
THE OFFICIAL GUIDE TO LIFE AFTER THE RAPTURE....if you got (gasp!) left behind...
1) Scope out the church parking lots and take whichever vehicle suits your
fancy. After all, they won't be needing their stuff anymore!
2) Find a nice mansion that has been "left behind", preferably with a pool,
sauna, bowling alley, movie theater, etc.
3) Install generators at the nice mansion, just in case. If the Internet is
working, there is a good chance that the electricity will stay on, but it
never hurts to be cautious.
4) Go to a gun shop and select a fine array of firearms. Find which ones
suit your fancy by blowing out any windows in the area. (Do NOT blow out
the windows in your mansion! If you do, you'll have to go find another one.)
5} Stock up on groceries and booze. Only pick food that you like to eat
like nachos, jelly donuts, and pizza. Eat the jelly donuts first because
they will go stale. Don't worry about your waistline--gluttony isn't a sin
anymore.
6) Find girls that have been Left Behind. Chances are it was for good
reason, and these are the girls you always wanted to hook up with before the
Rapture anyway.
7) Now that all bets are off, you can be as bad as you like. Indulge in all
those things you've always wanted to try--rubber, spikes, balls, saran wrap,
those battery-powered things that look like the Sears tower. God doesn''t
care what you do anymore. Enjoy it!
8} Around 3 p. m., go out and find another vehicle, faster and more
expensive than the one you took this morning. Remember--they don't need
their stuff anymore. They won't mind if you take their Lamborghini.
9) Go to the mall and bring every gizmo, gadget, and geegaw that you've
ever wanted back to your mansion. Play with them. Then throw them all away
and do it again.
10) Have fun.
11) Have more fun.
12) Have even more fun.
13) Remember to thank God for the Rapture, and for leaving all the good
stuff behind. He likes to be thanked occasionally. Tell Him what a great
job he did with the whole Creation thing, and that nipples were a
masterstroke. Ask Him to leave the electricity on for a few decades.
14) If anything that looks remotely cataclysmic is occurring in your area,
go to the nearest marina and take a yacht (preferably with a pool, a sauna,
a bowling area, movie theater, etc.), then move to a safe location. Begin
again at Step 1.
the author of the guide
That works for me. Bring the Rapture the fuck on already, mkaaaay? :-)
And as an added bonus.... click here for George W. Bush's Guide to the Rapture.
(of course we all know that this guide was simply and blatantly a rip off of Lipris' dkos sig....
"after the Rapture, we get all their shit"
So credit where credit is due ;-) lol
We're gonna get so much shiny stuff....wow. A big thanks in advance to all the Wignuttia Batshit Insaners for your lives of acquiring shiny stuff that will soon be ours.