From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
In case you missed Meet the Press last Sunday:
Timmah: Let's talk about Iraq. Are you going to raise my taxes?
Rep. Nancy Pelosi: Well, Tim, I...
Moving on to Social Security. Are you going to break into seniors' homes and steal their cookie jar money to pay for your massive tax increases, which the Republican leadership says could exceed two hundred goobleboopie percent?
I never said anything about increasing ta...
Turning now to gay marriage. How high do you intend to raise taxes on gay marriage?
Raise taxes on what??
RNC chairman Ken Mehlman recently sent out an email suggesting that if Democrats take back the House or Senate in November the first thing you'll do is bring back the poll tax. Will this be a variable tax or a flat tax?
We're not bringing back the poll t...
Senator John McCain says Democrats favor physically launching tax rates into space aboard an Atlas rocket. Do you think it's possible that anyone could be more maverickly manly than Senator McCain?
Tim, you're a loon.
Representative Pelosi, I've borrowed this Taser from the NBC security desk. I'm now going to zap you and continue zapping you until you agree to never ever raise taxes on millionaires like me from now until infinity even when we're at war.
[Bzzhzztzzhhztzzhttt!!!]
While you're on the floor twitching, I'm going to pull out random press clippings, put them up on the screen, and read them in a droning voice. Hey...are you raising taxes on my leg hairs down there??
Creepy. Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Note: The C&J "Free Gold Bar For Everyone Who Wants One" promotion ended last night. Those who requested one can take delivery starting at noon today. Enjoy!
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By the Numbers:
Days `til the YearlyKos convention in Las Vegas June 8-11: 29
Days `til the Camden Food and Wine Festival: 23
Months Porter Goss was CIA director before resigning: 19
Number of tunnels discovered under the U.S./Mexican border since 2001: 34
Number under the U.S./Canada border: 1
(Source: Harpers Index)
Boston Red Sox 14 N.Y. Yankees 3
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: Puppy impersonator: "Hey, look at me! I'm George W. Bush and I'm shredding the Constitution!"
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CHEERS to a call to arms. Senator Russ Feingold, chairman of the DBC---the Democratic Backbone Coalition---tells his colleagues to ignore the enemy propaganda (from a speech at the National Press Club):
"The consultants and the pundits and others will tell you...that it is dangerous to let there be any real light between our position and the White House's position, or else you'll get called soft on terrorism. You already hear people saying that the Michael Hayden nomination will be a great opportunity for the White House to show the Democrats are soft on terrorism. And you bet the pundits in this town will somehow suggest that this, too, just like my censure resolution, will cause the President's numbers to shoot up. You remember that happening, right? It didn't happen at all, but that's what they're gonna say, but it's not right."
As if on cue, a fresh New York Times/CBS News poll shows that America is prepared to greet Democrats as liberators. If we could just coax them out of their foxholes. (Have we tried chocolate?)
JEERS to Coitus Republicanus. House and Senate GOoPers are sharin' a cigarette in bed this morning after agreeing to extend $70 billion in extended tax cuts for the rich. Millionaires will get to keep an extra $42,000, while most people making under $75,000 would eke out less than a c-note. Lesson: next time Bill Frist offers us a $100 gas bribe, push the big red button and yell, DEAL!
JEERS to shaky comparisons. George on George:
"That's George Washington, the first President, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three---three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting? People say, so what? Well, here's the "so what." You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you're gone. If they're still analyzing the presidency of George Washington---[Heh heh heh]---so Presidents shouldn't worry about the history. You just can't. You do what you think is right, and if you're thinking big enough, that history will eventually prove you right or wrong. But you won't know in the short-term."
One little difference: they've spent over 200 years analyzing the degrees of George Washington's greatness. I suspect historians will be able to cover Bush's accomplishments in that department during their coffee break.
CHEERS to bulldogs unleashed. On May 10, 1940, Winston Churchill was called in to replace Neville Chamberlain as British prime minister after Mr. "Peace in Our Time" lost a confidence vote in the House of Commons. Churchill offered blood, sweat, toil and tears in the run-up to war. As opposed to Tony Blair, who offered lies, deception, stonewalling and fake evidence. Potato, puhtahto.
JEERS to favoritism. The law says that when a cabinet official practices it---as HUD Secretary Alfonso Jackson did recently---there's only one option: Resign. Here's your medal of freedom...now vamoose.
CHEERS to Dennis Hastert. This may be the only time we do this, but after rejecting Bush's awful choice of Michael Hayden for CIA director (see his official portrait here) we feel compelled to say: Attaboy! Now I need a bath.
JEERS to recruitment madness. How low will the military go to find fresh (breathing) bodies to fill their ranks? A boy in Portland, Oregon was accepted into the military even though he's autistic. But that's not the only case of recruitment thuggery:
A family in Ohio reported that its mentally ill son was signed up, despite rules banning such enlistments and the fact that records about his illness were readily available.
In Houston, a recruiter warned a potential enlistee that if he backed out of a meeting he'd be arrested.
And in Colorado, a high school student working undercover told recruiters he'd dropped out and had a drug problem. The recruiter told the boy to fake a diploma and buy a product to help him beat a drug test.
As long as you're not gay...
CHEERS to common sense Mainers. Everett Bunker of Waterboro brings up a good point (from a Sunday letter to the Maine Sunday Telegram):
I had to laugh at the article about Christian groups speaking out against "The Da Vinci Code." As a lifelong Christian, the line that really got me was when one gentleman [Michael Heath of the Christian Civic League of Maine] said it posed "extreme spiritual danger."
Come on, people. First off, if you feel that a movie can shake your faith, that says something about your faith, not the movie."
Like, uh, your faith is a whiny baby.
JEERS to one-way tickets to Maine. Two Maine Army National Guard members---Dale Kelly (48) and Michael Veverka (23)---were killed in Iraq over the weekend. Our condolences go out to the families. Our anger goes out to the usual idiots.
WHATEVER to coming up short. Professional carny David Blaine's latest publicity stunt was a failure. He tried to break the record for most time spent in a bubble but wimped out for some silly reason like imminent death (meanwhile, the president's own endurance record is nearing the 5½ year mark). Blaine promises to return soon to attempt an even riskier stunt: quail hunting with the vice president.
JEERS to the worst last words in the world. In Ohio, a death-penalty sentence was carried out with an efficiency that would make The Green Mile's Percy Wetmore grin with glee. Minutes after poison was administered into his arm, convicted murderer Joseph Clark sat up and said, "It don't work. It don't work." The geniuses then switched the IV to the other arm, upon which Mr. Clark said, "Thanks, that's much bet..." As if I needed more reasons to adore my home state this morning.
CHEERS to limericks snarkalicks. In the C&J comments yesterday these made us laugh:
Mspicata on The Decider:
First, I accomplished my mission.
Then, I accomplished rendition.
Then I spied on you all,
Got re-elected in the fall;
But the best thing I did? That was fishin'.
And condoleaser on CIA chief nominee Michael Hayden:
Jeers to the CIA's Hayden
With reasonableness he's not laden
If he'd had his way
Protestors today
Would reside in the Iron Maiden.
And all you poets at DailyKos haven't collaborated on a book yet because...??
CHEERS to Hollywood titans who never jumped on anyone's couch. Happy birthday to the late Max Steiner and Dimitri Tiomkin. They wrote so many classic movie themes during Hollywood's golden age (earning 41 Oscar nominations and 7 wins between them) that you could fill an iPod: Gone with the Wind, High Noon, Casablanca, It's a Wonderful Life, The Caine Mutiny, The Guns of Naverone, the original King Kong, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, etc. Stirring stuff...and great to blog by.
AAAARGH! to the latest reason to hate the Danes. Now they've really gone and done it. Researchers at the University of Aarhus conducted a study involving 15,000 people. Their conclusion: The astrological sign you're born under does not shape your personality. Your C&J poll awaits, my starchildren. (Since I'm a Leo, I'll take charge and vote first!)
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One Year Ago in C&J: May 10, 2005:
JEERS to scaring away the kids. Thanks to the quagmire that is Iraq, military recruiting goals were were down by 42 percent in April. Meanwhile, Newsweek reports that a plan for the Army to "absorb" downsized Navy and Air Force members has yielded 189 conversions out of a pool of 27,000. Kos floated a great idea yesterday of having the war-loving, right-wing preachers encourage their flocks' young'uns to enlist in the noble cause. How `bout it, Robertson? Falwell? Dobson? Sheldon? Bueller??
JEERS to dissing Willie. State senators in Texas---GOP ones, `natch---nixed naming a 49-mile stretch of toll Highway 130 after Willie Nelson. The jerks cited 3 reasons: His drinking, his pot-smoking...and the fact that he campaigned for Democrat Dennis Kucinich. Nelson says he wasn't interested anyway: "Toll roads are not that popular. I'd put my name on an electric chair, too, but I don't think that'd be too great a thing." Besides, the electric chairs are reserved for corporate sponsors only.
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And just one more...
JEERS to the mangler. Marty Meltz, the movie critic for the Portland Press Herald, once called the third Naked Gun movie the best comedy of all-time. Now I'd like to share some classic Meltz madness from his Sunday review of the third Mission Impossible movie:
I have to concede that, in the category of international suspense action thrillers, "Mission Impossible III" significantly surpasses anything ever done, including any "Bourne" or James Bond film. [...]
Tom Cruise ratchets up to fired intensity levels at a new standard, handling his tender moments of love quite well.
The plot cooks from an immediate boil to unending overflow. Superior artistry in sustaining pressure-cooked conflict with quality second-to-second suspense lets the film flow at a supercharged level indefinitely.
Sorry to subject you to that, but I hate to suffer alone.
Floor's open...what are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"I believe Cheers and Jeers is on a very even keel, sailing well, I honestly believe that it has improved dramatically."
---Former CIA director Porter Goss
5/5/06
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