Deployments are a fact of life in the military. In my husband's rating (job specialty) in the Navy, he did 4 years of sea duty to 3 of shore duty--and during that 4 years, he would spend 6-9 months away from home. And that was in peacetime. An Army friend of mine told me in 1995 that you could count on at least 2 unaccompanied tours of duty in your 20--and this didn't count training periods at another base or war games. When you marry active duty military, you have to accept he will be gone for long periods of time. In wartime, the deployments are even longer--some units are gone for 18 months, with a short time home before another long deployment.
Civilians have hard time understanding the feel of a deployment. The closest they can come is a long business trip--but how many business trips last 6-18 months? How many deployments put the spouse in a dangerous situation? Even a normal deployment on a carrier during peacetime can get someone killed--my husband worked the flight deck for years, and has seen people get washed overboard or sucked into a jet engine. A few seconds of inattention can get you killed. In wartime, you have to live with the knowledge that your husband could be killed or maimed. The closest you can come to a deployment is what a police officer's wife must feel every time he goes off to work.
Once you know he's deploying, the stress begins. There will be an increase in arguments. The military won't tell you this at a pre-deployment briefing, but every wife I've ever talked to has experienced this. You find yourself pulling away from him, learning to let go and not need him, a kind of anticipatory grief--and sometimes resentment at being left alone to do it all by yourself creeps in. It's a kind of separation anxiety. Even though you know this, the arguments will happen and it makes the precious weeks before deployment even harder.
There is usually a pre-deployment briefing. I find them useless because 98% of it is common sense. Update wills. Make sure you have the correct power of attorney and legal papers (divorce, marriage, citizenship, birth certificates) readily accessible. Tell the spouse what bennies they're entitled to in case you die. Settle the financials tuff--who ahs the credit card, who ahs the checkbook (and if she has the checkbook, how much is gonna take out every pay period). Set up a system for paying bills (any woman who d doesn't know how to do this won't survive a deployment because she's already braindead). Here's a link to one so you can see what they tell us to do at one of these sessions. It's also in the deployment handbook. They also emphasize the importance of good communication--phone calls, email, letters (because in a lot of places you will only HAVE snail mail; no phones or email available).
Then comes the dreaded day when you have to see him off. You drive with the kids to the ship or airport and try desperately not to cry because you don't want him to worry. If you have children, you have to be strong for them. And you make damned sure that you don't leave the rest of the day empty. You plan something. You keep busy. You go a little nuts once you're alone and the kids are asleep. Cry9ing yourself to sleep becomes a common practice.
I made it through my first deployment with NO help from the military. My husband PCS'ed (Permanent Change of Station--a military move) to Maine in April. He was deploying in June. There was no point in my leaving my job to move to a place where I knew no one and would be unemployed as well. I stayed in Jacksonville and worked for 9 months. Because he was a geographical bachelor I had no access to the wives' group. I DID get the booklet, but only because HE sent it to me. I never heard a peep from the women who ran the groups or from the omsbudman, although I made several attempts to contact them. They never returned my calls. I gave up and did it my way, structuring my weekends off so I was kept busy--I saw every movie that came out between June 1990 and his return in December (he got Christmas leave, but we only had a few days together then; he had to go back to ME and the move didn't happen till Feb. 91). I read. I write. I took bellydance lessons and worked out. That was my life. We both lived for letters and phone calls.
Mind you, this was in the lead-up to Desert Storm. I was a wreck. And I had idiotic co-workers who didn't see what the problem was. I got ZILCH support from many of them.Technically he was based in Sicily--but they did send dets to Saudi. I was terrified he'd go. And three days before my birthday, he DID go. Trying to find out when he would come home was a nightmare. No one knew, not even the duty office. He sure didn't. I could see him being left there for the duration simply because he'd pissed off a chief. FINALLY, the last possible day, he got word he was on the flight and had a couple of hours to make the flight back to Sicily for the trip home.
I was never so happy to hear his voice as I was the day he came home.
The second deployment, I was in Maine. This time around, I had friends and hung out with them. Did a lot of costuming and went to Pennsic (and SCA camping "war" with 10,000 people; lasts 10 days). Kept myself busy. And once again my husband went to Saudi. What happened to him there in 93 I will write about in detail later because it still troubles him.
The first night alone is the worst. The person who sleeps beside you is gone, and you know he wont be back for a long, long time. I spent it with friends somewhere other than my home--eating pizza and watching an old Johnny Depp flick along with Belizaire the Cajun.
The first two weeks are ALWYS a disaster. Anything that can go wrong, will.
Experienced families know that when the service member leaves, whether for a deployment or a training exercise, a major appliance will break, the children will get sick, and the car will break down.
So says a survey done by the National Military Family Association (NFMA) in 2004.
In the first deployment, it was car problems and nutty co-workers and the sheer loneliness of being by myself in a city where I hadn't built up a support system,. Got msyelf a counselor to deal with the last two. After the car broke down for the 4th time in 2 months, I traded it in and bought my Celica, which ran great for 15 years. The nutty co-workers were among those things I couldn't change, so as the Serenity prayer directs, I accepted them. The second time around was easier. I had a support network, and nothing major happened.
However, on average, you will have a serious problem crop up soon after he leaves.
And the military doesn't want you to tell him about it until it's fixed. Don't worry him. Uncle Sam's Brides, a wonderfully funny and very honest book written by two ex-military wives (one O, one E) describes the letter they think you write. Here's a paraphrase.
"My darling X,
We are all fine. Tommy broke his arm last week, but the doctor said he'll regain full use of it. Jimmy's skull fracture--he fell off the roof last week- is coming along nicely, and the doctor says he'll be out of the hospital in no time. Your Mom is recovering well from her heart attack and subsequent surgery.
While I was at the grocery store, someone ran into the car, but I was only bruised and had a bit of whiplash, and the insurance will cover the cost of all the bodywork on the car, so that's terrific news. Isn't Tricare great? All my healthcare is almost free, including the physical therapy for my neck.
Everything here is great. Hope you are well. Miss you."
Yup. Don't tell him bad news until you can tell him it's really good news. It was in both deployment briefing books. I asked my husband if he wanted me to keep bad news from him--after he picked himself up the floor from laughing so hard, he told me he expected me to let him know when a disaster happened. Most of us do.
The NMFA thinks we are right:
These day-to-day hassles of dealing with a deployment can become overwhelming if the family is focusing so much on the well-being of the service member. Child care concerns, school issues, house maintenance, and tensions at the spouse's workplace can all add up. Although the problems in each area may be minor, the sum of all is major stress.
How do you get through it?
Letters and phone calls and emails. You NEED to hear his voice. And that is one reason why finances are often strained, even with additional pay added for separation and other things. Phone calls overseas are EXPENSIVE. In the days before pre-paid phone cards, my husband had to call collect form a pay phone because often there was no way to reach him. Usually the only phone number you have is a pay phone on his floor of the barracks, and it requires someone to answer it. The guys on watch don't like it when you call their desk unless it's a real emergency.
What do you do if there is a real emergency? A death in the family? A serious illness? You get it in writing, and you call the Red Cross. They notify the command. With any luck, he's on a plane home. When I developed a cyst, his MCPO told me that if I had to have surgery, to go through channels, and he'd be on the first flight home. I was lucky to have great MCPO.
But don't count on it. The needs of the service come first. I know one woman who was pregnant with twins, lived a thousand miles away from any family member, and had a two year old underfoot. She had to spend her last two months in bed due to complications. No family member could get away to care for her and her son. Her mother had health problems, and her sister had just given birth a few months earlier. The Red Cross contacted the command, but they didn't' consider it serious enough to send her home. She was lucky that the wives' club adopted her, and, between them and her friends, she made it though somehow.
For many families the key to surviving a deployment is the support system offered by the command--and lots of information from the command about what is going on.
Families emphasized the need for open lines of communication between themselves and the servicemember's unit, command, and volunteers as an important element of effective support. In fact, many indicated that what they needed and expected first and foremost from the unit or its representatives was frequent communication regarding unit activities and the well-being of the deployed servicemembers. They also wanted to know someone cared about their well-being and understood the challenges they faced. Their comments indicated families believe that good family support starts with good communication.
"We understand the need for being a little evasive as to what the soldiers are doing, where they are, etc... but it would be nice to know what they are doing in general."
--Army Parent
NMFA survey 2004
I didn't utilize the support system because it didn't work for me. The first time, as I've said, no one ever returned the several calls I made to the contact people in wives' organization. The second time, the skipper of the squadron had a monhtly newsletter which at least gave us some information. The third time...thank God there wasn't a third time.
My husband's last squadron was hush-hush. They were in Afghanistan and Iraq long before the actual fighting began, because they do recon. After 9/11the skipper (CO) held a meeting for the wives who were, needless to say, scared shitless because they knew military action w s coming and that their husbands would likely be involved. We were told that when the men deployed, we wouldn't be told where they were being sent ( but we could guess, and we learned afterward) or how long they'd be gone (not even an approximation) or what they'd be doing. Moreover, we weren't allowed to tell family members that they were gone (they never did explain how you hide someone's absence from his parents and friends for MONTHS)--loose lips sink ships. There would be nothing but snail mail. And it had to go through the duty office along with care packages. No e-mail. No phone calls. Once a week, someone from the duty office would phone to tell us he was alive and in one piece.
That was it. NO CONTACT for many, many months.
The wives were a close knit group and well-organized. Had Ben gone, I would have been at least marginally involved, but I'd already set up my own support network with civilian friends.
When the days grow short, and you know he's coming home--you face new challenges. The souse has undoubtedly changed--often become more independent, which can be a real problem if they have had a very traditional relationship (especially if they are conservative Christians who believe the wife must submit to the husband). She's come up with ways of doing things that work for her--and they be very different from what he's sued to. After the frist joyous days, you often have some tough issues to work out.
He will have changed too--especially if he's been involved in combat. PSTD can be major issue for families. And often the first sign is some form of abuse--verbal or physical. Often a man who was light-hearted and loving turns into an angry, close-mouthed stranger. There is counseling available--but military psychiatrists are required to report any break with military regs, so there is no real confidentiality. ALong with lack of confidentiality, there is also a stigma attached to getting help. It can hamper promotion, or, at least, that is what is believed.
And now for the salacious stuff: how you cope without sex. There are really three ways: celibacy, masturbation and infidelity. Most of us choose the first two.
I killed a vibrator. I bought a Hitachi Magic Wand in August 91, the only package I didn't share with my coworkers ( it was our custom to open all packages so everybody could share in the pleasure of a PACKAGE--think the song "The Wells Fargo Company" from Music Man and you have it). It got used only during those two deployments. And it died.
Some, however, start hitting the bars out of loneliness. A lot of single sailors were only too happy to keep them company--my husband's first P3 squadron was nicknamed "Lovin' Eleven" for precisely that reason. This is ALWAYS a bad solution. It seriously jeopardizes the marriage by destroying trust and love.
It isn't just the wives who stray. Then P 3 community has a lot of young, pretty, single women in it. My husband watched in disgust as his co-workers made dates for deployment liaisons with the young women. He chose not to participate in the revelry and was asked why. "When I am away from home, I am a monk. I won't hurt my wife or my marriage by screwing around." This didn't make him popular. He also pointed out that adultery is a crime under the UCMJ--as is fraternization. That's gotten many people court-martialed over the years.
The saddest thing is that when many of the folks doing the screwing around consider themselves god-fearing, conservative Christians. And many of them end up divorced.
Let me close with a letter from a National Guard wife, which says it all.
"This has been so far the hardest experience I've ever had to deal with. I expected that. I thought there would be peaks and valleys of happiness and strain. That has not been the case. Even the most wonderful moments are shadowed in the pain that he isn't here. It has been a constant struggle. It isn't getting easier, it isn't getting more comfortable. Not having my husband, my children's father, around has left a hole in this family that can't be filled with routine or time. He is too important to us. His spirit is too much a part of this family. Everyday I tell myself we're one day closer. That is what keeps me going. Regardless of the hurt and sadness that goes with deployment, we believe in him and what he's doing. We know other fathers, other husbands will go home tonight because he's protecting freedom. We just miss him so much, and we want him home."
--Army National Guard Spouse
Her second to last line really hit me hard. One reason I was so grateful my husband didn't deploy one last time was that neither of us believe that the Iraq War is justified. I couldn't have consoled myself with the belief that he was defending freedom. And that would have made the separation that much harder.