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     (From L'Osservatore Romano Cheese, an alternative Vatican news service)

     Our correspondents tell us that on this long-feared horror holiday of June 6, 2006, the Father of Lies and Prince of Darkness, Satan the Terrible, escaped his confinement in a genie bottle next to the Ark of the Covenant in an old U.S. government warehouse. Aged curator Indiana Ford said, "That was one HELL of an escape! Get it? 'Hell'! Ha ha!!"

     One correspondent hidden behind a rock saw the winged fiend rubbing his cloven hooves together and snarling, "HOW can I cause the most TROUBLE to this HORRIBLE country who kept me in a *&^$ing BOTTLE?
     Perhaps I can have some vile vixen, a godless vile vixen, vex the populace...oh, she exists already and published a book today. What else?
     ...That's it! I shall attack the new center of progress and democracy in America: the YEARLYKOS CONVENTION! NYAHHH MUHAHA--HAHA!!"

     (more supernatural evil and mayhem below!!!!!!)
 

    Upon which the trident-waving menace flew on his leathery wings over the skies of Las Vegas, terrifying all decent people and a few "hookers" and pickpockets as well. Beelzebub laid an unholy spell of "Ye Air Conditioning Worketh NOT" on the lovely Riviera Hotel, and also used his lying, honeyed voice to impersonate the lovely Elizabeth Taylor and telephone prominent Democrats all over the country, saying that Michael Jackson was the new keynote speaker for YearlyKos.
     5 seconds after the last phone call, all prospective attendees were running in fear.
     The convention had been effectively canceled, and it was formally canceled when the YearlyKos planning board postponed the blogocracy conference to Centennial Kos in 2106, reasoning that that should give ample time to prepare and to get rid of the hideous demon who is Enemy of Mankind, Womankind, and Childkind too.    
     Weeping among the world's progressive bloggers commenced, and was expected to last 40 days and 40 nights.

     The Holy Father Benedict XVI has been informed of the problem, and an exorcism is planned, although a viewing of the various "Exorcist" films by the Supreme Pontiff is planned first, as a "refresher course".

...UPDATE: apparently, YearlyKos may not be canceled after all. It seems that after the above events, the Lord of the Flies was caught in a downdraft (all that global warming...) and met with some otherwise unidentified persons known as "fabooj", "Gina", and "siun", a tough and tenacious trio who together took the demonic menace by the tail, swung him around at a couple thousand revolutions per minute, and threw him into the darkness of the interstellar void. The Master of Malice was last seen descending from a high orbit above the Milky Way galaxy and, screaming, descending rapidly into the Mount Merapi volcano on Indonesia, causing an enormous conflagration and a huge mass of refugees on the way.
     "What a terrible OMEN this is!", joked visiting punster Bob Johnson, who was captured by local special forces and immediately shot as a threat to human sanity.

     The Exalted Head of the Church of Rome, on expert theological advice, has blessed 1 million tons each of Pepto-Bismol and Alka-Seltzer which will be poured into the volcano (with the permission of local Muslim authorities invoking their own blessings) to assuage both the rumblings of the earth and the wickedness of the Evil One.

     Earplugs are being passed out to local villagers to deal with the expected mega-belch from Mount Merapi.

Originally posted to David Boyle on Tue Jun 06, 2006 at 04:41 PM PDT.

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