US Air Force General Mike Hayden became Director of the Central Intelligence Agency on June 1st, 2006.
In the AP story "Bush Gives CIA's New Director a Boost" there was a line that caught my attention --
The president was briefed privately on unknown topics for about 45 minutes before the short public event.
Now that zero degrees of separation exist between our Executive, his party operatives and our vast Intelligence Services, here's what our fictional fly on the wall heard in that meeting.
Any resemblance to reality is purely
coincidental. Truth is so much stranger than fiction.
Our players:
(W) President George
W. Bush
(M) Central Intelligence Agency Director General Michael Hayden
The story begins --
Chapter I
(W) Mike, today is a great day for the nation. Can't tell you how happy it makes me to have a TRUE PATRIOT running the CIA.
(M) Mr. President, I appreciate your confidence in me and thank you for this time before the ceremony. In light of recent events I have some concerns I'd like to share with you. Permission to speak freely sir? I assume this room is secure.
(W) Sure Mike. We're all on the same side here. If you've got concerns, I need to know about 'em.
(M) Thank you sir. I'm concerned about how to balance your plausible deniability with the ongoing operations to provide information requested by your staff, sir. And I'm concerned that in my new capacity as Director, that I might encur some direct liability as well, should any of this be determined illegal.
(W) (chuckle) Mike, there are NO cracks in the armor for you to worry about. We have it contained. The lawsuit won't go forward. The State Secrets card is trump.
(M) Sir, with all due respect, I've read the dossiers on both judges and there isn't much to go on. They might proceed with discovery...
(W) (cutting him off) That won't happen Mike. Alberto isn't going to let that happen.
(M) With all due respect sir, it isn't the lawsuit I'm worried about. This guy Klein came forward because of the lawsuit. There will be more. We have deployed assets in nearly 50 cities. There were hundreds of people, some under our control, others not. There IS an exposure.
(W) I think we've made it pretty clear the last couple of days we won't tolerate these leaks. Hell, last week the court played ball. No hourly cable guy is going to risk his livelihood. And with your assets, they can't hide. If they know anything, they know THAT, right?
(M) There are gaps sir. It isn't perfect. Even if it was, by the time we catch up with them, it will be all over the internet.
(W) You telling me that for $120 Billion you don't have control yet? I thought you had complete intercept in place? (pauses and thinks -- yes, I know, I know, but keep reading and trust me on this)
(W) OK, I'll play along for a minute. Some fucking puke cable puller who thinks he can change the goddamn world decides to publish another list of your assets on the fucking internet THAT I THOUGHT WE HAD UNDER CONTROL!
(M) (quietly listening to this unfold, waiting for an opening)
(W) Still doesn't mean anything. The last flap blew over. Hell, nobody has figured it out really, I mean, that we have it ALL. It was a big deal for a couple days, but Karl said it would disappear, and it did. Way too complicated for most to understand. Hell I don't understand how it works. And I sure as hell can't interpret the damn Patriot Act, but Alberto says we are covered 100%. Remind me I owe Sensenbrenner a beer will ya? (trying to lighten the mood)
(M) Sir, our exposure here might be outside the Patriot Act. It doesn't cover data retention on Americans, or American companies. And it certainly doesn't address what your staff is using our assets for. While not illegal, per se, my staff has raised ethical concerns. Looking at American's data from offshore doesn't change who it belongs to.
(W) Your staff? I though WE had all that ironed out, from the TOP down. And the data belongs to us!
(M) There have also been concerns expressed by some of the technical staff about matching our assets to your assets. They don't feel it meets the interpretation of 'terrorist surveillance' sir.
(W) My assets to your assets? Try English Mike. Me first, in English, I'LL DECIDE what needs surveillance.
(M) Sir, your staff has been using our assets to generate call and email lists by matching their donor lists and other purchased lists with our call detail records and email routing information. I presume they did so with your knowledge and consent.
(W) Karl and Dick have been working on this a couple years now. I don't know details, other than it gets out our voters when we need them. Hell, it delivered 2004. Best part is the voters who come out for us don't even talk about it. They just show up. The networks went nuts when their exit polls were so far off. (laughing) So what was your point again?
(M) Sir, it is quite possible that retaining communication records for 220 million Americans violates constitutional law, as I understand it.
(W) Mike, Mike, look, I know you expressed concerns in your hearings about how the CIA is perceived and that you want to rebuild it's reputation. You said all the right things. Nothing you've done will screw that up. You are misunderestimating the power of the court. OUR court. It was never about abortion Mike, and you know that. Hell no one asked questions about the unitary executive thing until it was too late. They were all fired up about Roe v. Wade. Point is, when push comes to shove, which won't come any time soon, we have our aces in the hole. Texas hold 'em style. Pocket aces my friend. I AM the law. Remember though, you can always stir up something out West if it gets too hot. It's a "Terrorist Surveillance" capability, right? Might need to remind some people of that. You know I'm just kidding, right?
(M) (not laughing) Sir, let's say your strategy doesn't pan out and we lose the Congress. They have subpoena authority that might...
(W) (interrupting again) Might what? You didn't hear me clearly. It will NEVER get past our court.
(M) (uneasily) And if we lose the Senate, sir?
(W) Mike, you misunderestimate Karl, AND you misunderestimate your assets. Hell, with what YOU'VE got we can bring out every last one of our voters. Might look like shit right up until the last minute and then, POOF. Karl pushes the buttons. Calls go out. EMAILS go out. NO WAY we will lose both houses this fall. Which means you got NOTHING to worry about. Case closed.
(M) And after 2008, sir?
(W) Who gives a shit! Carlyle has the inside track on Asia through Hawaii. Its where all the growth is. I encourage you to explore your open mind. Opportunities will come your way. Mark my words. You'll be taken care of. With the assets you've developed we have a lock on Asia and they don't know a thing. Want a nice island off Singapore for your early retirement? (laughing)
(M) Sir, I had the opportunity to exchange a few words with Mr. Goss last week. I believe you might have to deal with him sooner rather than later regarding that very issue.
(W) Porter will play ball. He knows the rules.
(M) (quite a bit more uncomfortable now) Sir, the assets can disappear within 24 hours from your call. It is important for you to know this. The internationals will take more time. We're very deep there now.
(W) (pauses, puts hand to left ear as if listening to someone else) You're a good man Mike. I know I can count on you. (continues to lean slightly left, listening, looks at his watch) You have my complete support. (still listening) Something you're not telling me?
Chapter II
The new players in a room nearby:
(D) Vice President Dick Cheney
(K) Chief of Staff Karl Rove
...fumbling with his headphones, (K) hears...
"Might what? You didn't hear me clearly. It will NEVER get past our court."
faintly via the RC-216's feedback, before he reaches to adjust the feedback knobs. Instead he turns up the gain and presses the earphones tightly to his ears. He can faintly hear one side of the conversation without the lapel microphone on.
"Porter will play ball. He knows the rules."
(K) (quietly to himself) Oh, oh. (keys the microphone and asks (W) while (M) is talking) George, what the hell is going on in there? Is there something Hayden hasn't told us?
(M) Sir, I can't share your enthusiasm for the effectiveness of your team's program. In fact I have some numbers that suggest...
(W) Mike, Mike, Mike. A week ago you were hot to trot on this deal. Now cold feet? If you don't want the job just say so. I need to know you're 100% with us.
(K) GEORGE, what the fuck is going on in there? Do you need me to come in there?
(M) It's not that at all sir. The social network analysis code your guys are using isn't new to us. We've had the same stuff in place at NSA for two decades to watch the party changes in Europe. Frankly sir, there is a dramatic shift in the aggregate totals on your side of the...
(W) Means NOTHING if they don't vote Mike. Our side votes, we win. Fuck the Congress. I'm talking Senate here. We're VERY focused Mike. Very focused.
(K) George, I'll ask again and I need you to clue me in on what he knows that we don't. I can't hear him.
(M) Sir, we believe, based on preliminary analysis of the demographic changes and calling patterns that even with maximal turnout you are at risk in both houses. Moreover, there is pretty significant degradation in homogeneity among the parties. We're seeing substantial numbers of cross-party conversations about bird flu for example. We've seen a 20% crossover on conversations about the spying leaks. It means that your matching capability is substantially reduced.
(W) So we SPAM a bunch of Democrats. BFD. We have the money. Our people still get the messages they need to fire them up.
(M) That's exactly my point sir. The other side gets them too. And it incites them to action against us. Overall effectiveness drops to near zero. It becomes a zero sum game, sir.
(W) Wait, wait, wait. Mike, you're telling me that with all your assets in place, it doesn't work? Then what the FUCK did we build it for?
(K) Damnit George! I'm coming in there. Unlock the door.
(M) Sir, it was built to take a known target and decipher their web. It only works in reverse if you can keep the Republicans and Democrats from conversing. When their social circles begin to interact, like they did in the mid-90s and before, it all goes to hell. (somewhat slightly agitated now)
(W) Let me get this straight. Because people talk to each other, our people and the other people, your program breaks?
(K) (mute button on) ohmigod, it is happening (mute button off) George -- keep him talking. I'll be right back. (drops headphones and ducks out to grab Cheney)
(K) Dick, I need you in here RIGHT NOW!
(D) (standing at the coffee machine in the nearby lobby with National Intelligence Director Negroponte) Be right there Karl. (wrapping up his conversation) John, we'll move ahead on the consolidation just as soon as Mike gets through the formalities.
(D) Karl, we're on in 20 minutes. What's the matter?
(K) It's the fucking gun thing and Mary. It's the fucking bird flu shit. Damnit Dick, our targeting for this fall is coming fucking unraveled. YOU NEED TO FIX IT!
(D) Time out Karl. We're past the gun thing, and what does Mary have to do with our targeting? I'm really not in the mood for this today. I've got fucking Haditha shit coming out my ears because your damn spin masters let it get out of hand.
(W) (continuing to solo) Look Mike, this is temporary, allright? Calm down. We've pumped a quarter of a million dollars into South Dakota, directly to the anti-abortionists to fund their uprising. It's on schedule. We've got the goddamn perfect list for every fucking zip code in the state, and it was before all this started, so its GOOD. We got marriage ban, anti-gay projects going in 45 states now. Wedge ain't coming out. Country'll be fighting in plenty of time for fall.
(M) (leans back, crosses legs and arms) Sir, the programs require historical data to operate effectively. That's why we've been after the ISPs. We can't get what we need from Google. It's got to come in clean. If what we get between now and then from the new live feeds is polluted, everything is polluted.
(K) (flips to external monitor and adjusts the volume to MAX - Cheney leans in to listen with him)
(W) Karl has it wired, Mike. Pollution or no pollution. Karl has it wired.
(K) Garbage in, garbage out. Christ Dick! $120B fucking dollars and we are still at risk.
(M) Sir, in case the data mining fails because the sources are polluted, do you still have the pro-lifer inside Diebold?
(W) Three Card Monte doesn't work after they see the deck Mike, but we'll know for sure after San Diego. (pacing the room now)
(W) I'd sure like to get Karl's take. And I don't get how you can come in here, TODAY OF ALL DAYS, with this kind of news?
(K) Finally...fuck. (keys the microphone) George, ask him about direct intercept in our key states? Is it in place?
(D) (still a little surprised at what he is hearing asks) Karl, I thought you only used this thing in meetings or when he's on stage?
(K) I was just getting set up and happened to catch George warming Mike's cold feet.
(W) Don't we have some direct intercept stuff we can use?
(M) Its in beta sir. We've played a bit on some safe web sites, but the timing problems in a live production setting make it risky. All it takes is a phone in verification to cross check the numbers and some grey haired poll worker starts a recount. Will your court affirm the vote if it appears there was a systemic glitch in an entire state?
(K) What'd he say George?
(W) So yes, or no? Can we change the vote counts on the way in or not?
(M) (mind has wandered to the future 30 minutes - "Do you solemnly swear...") Sir, I can't give you a definitive answer at this point, other than to say it would seem to expose us to excess risk.
(W) I'd say LOSING THE DAMN ELECTION is a hell of a lot riskier! We'd last about a week if both houses go down. And when the BITCH takes over, you think it will stop with me? Christ, you'll think I BLEW BILL when she gets done. She'll turn your assets into universal goddamn health care for the fucking peasantry!
(K) George, I need you to focus here, k? Can we pipeline the intelligence INTO Iran yet?
(W) What about Iran?
(M) (...to uphold...) Iran sir?
(D) Where are you going with this Karl?
(K) George, I want you to ask him about our feeds to Russians. Can we slip them the intelligence?
(W) Without your assets on the ground in Iran this is taking too long. Can't we go direct to a third party?
(M) (...the constitution...) Sir, I'm not following this line of conversation. What would we take direct?
(W) We went the Italy route with Iraq. OK? We needed to shore up the argument. Was done before you got here and it worked. We could drop it into Russian or Chinese hands this time. You'd have your intelligence in no time. Bastards want to bleed us dry. They'd deliver it with fucking bells on.
(K) (gently into the microphone) Easy, easy...
(D) Christ, has it come to this? We'll lose 50,000.... (leaning back in the chair legs outstretched)
(M) (...of the United States...) Sir, you want me to falsify intelligence, pass it to the Russians in Iran without them knowing it came from us, so they can leak it back to us to justify another WAR to distract the electorate? And via assets I no longer HAVE?
(W) Look Mike, you asked me about goddamn "plausible deniability". We are way past that with this news. We are shit up a crick without a fucking paddle! We're talking about the Hague! I'm looking at lawsuits until I die. And it won't stop with me. The threads lead where? You know where they lead. I'm not fucking around here Mike. You want assets? Rummy's got assets. We've got another whole network wired into the Middle East you haven't even begun to see the power of. WE CAN GET THE INTELLIGENCE INTO THE RUSSIANS IN A HEARTBEAT. And it'll come from Osama himself! how about a video featuring Khan, Ahmadinejad and Osama.
(K) (gently into the microphone) Easy, easy George. We aren't ready to brief Hayden into the new DOD network ops yet. I know he designed it, but he's been out of the loop a while. Go slow here.
(M) (...of America...(losing his train of thought further)...and to the Republic) Mr. President, (slowly, cautiously now) I'm well aware of what is at stake here, both personally and for your administration, but what you are asking me...
(W) (interrupting him again) What I'm asking you to do is follow orders! You're still wearing a uniform and I'm still giving orders. Is that clear?
(K) George, I want you to excuse yourself to piss and come in here with Dick and me for a minute.
(M) (...for which it stands...) Crystal clear sir. (fingering the small pocketknife he has on his keychain in his pocket) (...one nation, under God...).
Chapter III of our entirely fictional account continues...
(W) I've got to piss. Don't go away. I'll be right back (exits and enters the room next door)
(W) Damnit Karl, where does this end? What's it going to take with THEM. First Tenet, then Goss, now THIS? (feedback blaring in his ear) And turn that fucking thing OFF!
(K) (taking a deep breath and adjusting his glasses up the bridge of his nose) George, we need to stay under control right now.
(W) Is it under control Karl? IS IT?
(K) We've got 5 minutes before you go back in there and 15 before you swear him in. You can't go back in there like this, and I need your game face on out there.
(W) I need you to tell me Iran is our solution, or it isn't Karl.
(D) George, I don't know how we can justify...
(W) Stay out of this Dick. You've turned the damn NRA against us because you couldn't keep that thing in your pants! Christ!
(K) It's going to come down to stalling the investigations until after the elections. If they go ahead it puts Minnesota, Florida, Nebraska, and Rhode Island back in play.
(W) Do I have to kiss the Jew again? What will it take? Hell, I'll send Laura to Minnesota to campaign for Kennedy if I have to.
(K) We've got a good split list in Minnesota from the 2004 work there. The demographics are stable. We should be able to split Bell / Klobuchar ugly enough to boost Kennedy.
(K) Florida is a function of our hurricane season. All predications are tracking according to plan. The FEMA ramp up is on our side there.
(K) Nebraska is ok either way.
(K) Chaffee scares me right now.
(W) Karl, I'm not getting an answer from you. Iran or not?
(D) The answer has to be...
(W) Dick, I'm starting to feel like Gore here. All our work on the marriage amendment is at risk!
(K) George, I need to dig deeper on the judges. We need something to slow them down. I need a deep dive on their calls. And I need the same on whoever their replacements will be. We need direct access for a couple of months right now. Not via the usual channels.
(W) What if Hayden doesn't play ball?
(K) Then we fucking fry his ass. Just like Tennet. He designed it. He built it. He's a threat to the union. We can get mileage out of exposing his whole dirty plan if we need to.
(W) Karl, we just told everyone what a patriot he is a week ago. We'll look totally incompetent!
(K) NOW you understand why I cut you off. He isn't deep enough, yet, to know the rules. And you're telling him to FOLLOW ORDERS.
(W) (looks at his watch) I need to know whether I go in there and talk about Iran, direct access, or the damn weather!
Meanwhile, in the conference room where Hayden is sitting quietly with his hands in his pockets. Right hand on the small pocket knife, left hand on the secure cell phone. He pulls out the cell phone and presses speed dial #7.
(M) Stephen, I've only got a minute. The President will be back anytime now. I'm going to need you to come back NOW and bring `Dark Fiber'. Can you be in my office tomorrow morning? (hangs up)
(M) (presses speed dial #2) What is CIC going to ask me to do when he comes back in the room? (listens carefully, then) I don't have Don and Jim on the speed dial. Please expedite a secure conference call for me. Thanks. (waits 30 seconds)
(M) Don and Jim, its Mike. We're going dark ASAP, all the continental sites. No trace. CIC's team will be hooked direct to Babel for their pre-election work. I thought you should both know. Stephen will be back next week and will clear you for `Dark Fiber'. I won't be in touch again until after November 2. Good luck. (hangs up a few seconds later)
(M) (closing his eyes, hands folded in his lap, quietly)..Our Father who art in Heaven...
In the adjacent room
(K) George, I think we can hold the Senate without the war, but we'll need direct access to ECHELON through the election. We can drill through to Daytona from there and Alberto can get us whatever else we need in the way of dirt with a blanket hotwatch authorization. Hell, only took five VISA transactions and we had Jefferson pinned to that African pimp!
(W) More specific Karl. You talking direct access wired to your office, or through one of the partners?
(K) (ponders the possibilities, hands extended upwards, flexing his touching fingertips) Let's start with a partner, one of the guys we're outsourcing CALEA work to and see how it goes. They can always hook me up directly via the internet. Whose gonna trace that? Can't wait to do a match on that VA data we just got.
(W) (looks at watch again) OK, so we're going to do what?
(K) Basically nothing George. You're going to go back in there with a cool head and welcome him to the team. Then tell him I've got it under control. It's on autopilot now. Nothing for him to worry about. You might want to have him prep the Green Zone for your upcoming photo op. Second thought, let's have Rummy take care of it.
(D) (breathing a sigh of relief) Let's just get him in the door and I'll work out the details with John and Mike this week.
(W) It's a plan then, men. (bolts for the door and leaves)
(K) Dick, you're going to need to go to court. Libby is going to have to fry, or we'll look like we've launched a full scale attack on the judiciary. It's time to cooperate. We can't go black on Walker and Taylor if we are stonewalling here.
(W) The man walked through fire for me.
(K) And he got burned. It's over. He won't serve time before the pardon. (long silence) You need to get out there Dick.
(D) Karl, its time to change the channel. They might not even call me to testify against Libby. Alberto has put so much pressure on Fitz to drop the whole matter that it could go either way. It's in the hands of another judge right now. The letter we sent him should at least stop your indictment. (stands and heads for the door)
(K) You're right. It's time to change the channel. (pressing speed dial #5 on his phone). Bill, its Karl. We will need to go with the gay marriage amendment and then permanent repeal of the death tax right away after recess. (listening) I KNOW the votes aren't there. We've got to change the channel before summer and it needs to be to the channel that gets us the most separation between us and them. (listens) Good. The President will back you 100%. And on immigration it can fucking rot in committee until they come out with a guest worker provision this fall. We'll veto ANYTHING that turns them into voters! About time I used the veto pen.
(D) And tell him to reign in Specter, or it won't matter what we do. Will all this shit unfolding and YOU powerless to stop it, I may have to trot out Zarqawi early. At least I can use it to piss on Ykos and those fucking liberals. They are like cockroaches. We can't kill them fast enough.
(W) (enters the conference room, smiling) Sorry Mike. Got my dick stuck in my zipper. Happens all the time.
(M) No problem sir.
(W) Got me to thinking though. It's been a tough week around here and I didn't mean to take it out on you. (sits on the conference table close to Gen Hayden)
(M) I understand sir.
(W) Mike, you're a TRUE PATRIOT and a TECHNICAL GENIUS. The nation is glad to have you. Hell, I'm sure glad to have you. And that's what I'm going to go out there and say. Nothing to worry about. Karl says the system is self feeding now.
(M) Thank you sir.
(W) Welcome to the team! (stands and extends his hand).
(M) (closing the small blade in his pocket, stands and extends his right hand...)
THE END