A brief message to the Knuckledragger wing of the Republican party:
Well, you nitwits, it's been a year. One year since I took you and your moronic minions behind the woodshed for a good reality-based hide-tanning. My premise a year ago was simple:
You guys are idiots. Total, blazing idiots. In fact, I've never seen such a collection of morons in my life, and that includes the Nixon guys.
When I say idiots and morons, I don't mean walking into walls or sticking your hands into vats of bubbling tomato sauce. I mean, you guys are wrong. And you're wrong so often and on such a massive scale that science should come up with a new term for your species: homo stupidus.
To our nation's detriment, you have outdone yourself over the last 365 days...
As I said last June, it's not just that you're wrong but that you're
willfully wrong. You fringe looney-bird Republicans know exactly what you're doing. Namely, suckling at the corporate teat and stealing our rights while distracting your base with demons like gay marriage, flag-burning, immigrants, and---judging by your indifference to Ann Coulter's latest screed from Bellevue---the widows who lost their husbands in the 9/11 attacks. That's class.
Your essence, if I may be so bold as to speculate, is pure Daffy Duck: "It's MINE, you hear? Mine, ALL MINE!! Get back in there! Down Down Down! Go Go Go! Mine Mine Mine!!!"
My god. You really don't care if you drag America---including your rapturously oblivious base---down the sinkhole, do you? I want my war! I want my power! I want my money! I want my all-expenses-paid trip to Scotland! I want...IT...ALL. Mine Mine Mine!!!
And that's what makes you idiots: You know better. But you just can't tear yourselves away from the perks and the power. You can't bear to think that the other side might have some viable ideas. You can't rise above yourself and ask the question, "What's best for America?" And you certainly have shown that you can't police yourselves. And so, instead of reality-based leadership, we get a big stinking Republican Dungheap of Wrong that has only grown higher in the last year.
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You're still all wrong on Iraq. Completely, utterly, insanely wrong on everything there. The list has gotten too long to print. And I'm sorry, but killing al-Zarqawi had nothing to do with you and everything to do with the intelligence and fortitude of our troops, 2,500 of whom have, or will, come home in pine boxes. For what? Instead of bashing Democrats for not "having a plan," why don't you tell us yours? Because you can't, that's why. Because your precious leader, George "30 Percent Approval" Bush, is too busy polishing his and Condi's stationary bikes to admit that he fucked up royally---the biggest mistake in presidential history. And you're too busy giving him a free pass to notice. Idiots.
You're still wrong on global warming. And now we know you'll not only resort to doctoring scientific documents to hide your wrongness, but you'll endorse a smear campaign against Al Gore for lifting the veil of carbon-based emissions to reveal your head-in-the-sand non-response to this looming crisis. For the gazillionth time...the debate is over. Yet you still insist on fighting to prove just how wrong you can be. You guys couldn't suck any harder if you were siphoning gas from a Hummer.
You're still wrong on homeland security, too. Our ports, borders and infrastructure aren't any more protected now than they were a year ago. How is this even possible?? We've been at terror threat level "Yellow" for 1,550 days, and at "Blue" or "Green" for zero. You actually wanted to turn over the security of our ports to a country that helped fund the 9/11 attacks. And now you're cutting Homeland Security funds from cities like New York and Washington, D.C. that are most vulnerable to a terrorist attack. But that's okay---the Federal Duct Tape Reserve Closet is stocked and ready for action at the first sign of sarin gas.
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You're still wrong on those idiotic tax cuts. They haven't stimulated job growth, nor have they helped the middle or lower class climb any rungs on the economic ladder. Last week you spent valuable time trying to abolish the death estate tax, which benefits 0000.25 percent of the U.S. population. But at least you had the sense to vote on gay marriage in the same week---it's an important issue to a full one percent of the general public. I hear you'll be tackling flag burning next, which affects a whopping zero percent of We the People. Maybe it's just as well---more time spent screwing up the fringe issues means less time spent screwing up the important ones. It may buy us just enough time to put the grownups back in power before we become China-Lite.
You're way wrong for continuing to plunge our (yes, our) country into debt. Since you seem to have never come across a calculator, an abacus, or a Kasey the KinderbotTM you didn't want to smash with a sledgehammer, let me put it into language you'll understand: if your toes each represent one trillion dollars, then each little piggy is fucking screwed!!
You're still high-lariously wrong for trying to fool us into believing that throwing Social Security into the jaws of Wall Street will solve the (minor) problem we'll face 40+ years down the road. I understand you'll be bringing this loser issue back in 2007. Hardly surprising, since idiots always forget the lessons of the past.
How about health care? Still wrong. Absolutely nothing has been done to ease the health care crisis. Senior citizens actually want to kill you for subjecting them to the new Medicare prescription drug program. You want to see bloodlust? Just show your ugly face at a Bingo hall some night. Keep the car running if you know what's good for ya.
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You're wrong to support wiretapping of the American people without warrants. You're wrong for failing to investigate the legality of those wiretaps. You're wrong to treat the House ethics committee like an ugly stepsister. You're wrong to give the disgraced, under-indictment Tom DeLay a standing ovation for lording over the most corrupt, rubber-stamp congress in recent memory. You're wrong to think we can round up 11 million people and ship `em back to Mexico. You're wrong on abstinence-only education. You're wrong to tolerate your president's 750 "signing statements" that effectively cut the balls off the legislative branch. You're wrong to keep Gitmo open. And how about that little rehearsed chat with the troops last October? Nice stunt...and wrong.
You're damn wrong for what you continue to allow to happen to female workers in the Northern Marianas Islands. "Have you no sense of decency, sirs, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?"
And then there's Katrina. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong wrong. And, in many cases, damn heartless.
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Of course, you're still idiots for all of the other abuses we documented last year. I thought we might be able to take one or two off the list, but your perfect record of wrongness remains intact:
You're wrong on stem cell research. You're wrong on "intelligent design." You're wrong on this crazy missile defense shield. You're wrong to ignore the genocide in Africa. You're wrong to force a cookie-cutter education "plan" on states without paying for it. You're wrong to send an abusive shithead to be our ambassador to the United Nations even though he openly despises it. You're wrong to embrace a radical, hateful religious faction of your party while---wink, wink---you claim to welcome all religions. And you're damn well wrong to suck up to a religious group (Judaism) because you think their destruction is your key to salvation.
And yet, year after year, you fools act as if nothing's wrong. On any given day, you'll shut Democrats out of the governing process, grease your palms with corporate money, ignore the real problems facing this country, titter at the gullibility of "the commoners," and stare at the cameras and lie---as if telling the truth would lead to imminent castration by "Jigsaw."
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For the second year in a row, I wanted you idiots to know just how much you continue to embarrass us all. Your decisions and loyalties uniformly suck. You're cowards who overcompensate for your fear of truth and transparency by acting like playground bullies. Your weapon of choice isn't reasonable debate---it's phone-jamming, swiftboating, and campaign literature warning that "radical" liberals want to BAN the Bible.
I never thought I'd find myself saying this---sincerely and without sarcasm---to the so-called leaders of the United States of America:
What's the matter with you?
Grow up!
Lead America...not just your fucking base!
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