When I was a kid (this was some time ago), trolls were short, hairy, needle-nosed creatures, perpetual grumps who seemed to be eternally afflicted with vicious hangovers, which caused them to
menace goats who clip-clopped too loudly upon the planks of bridges laid over troll wallows.
In recent years, trolls have been transformed, via the Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter films, into physically massive, albeit massively stupid, factotums of some greater Agent of Evil. And, of course, on what Our Leader calls "the internets," the troll has come to be known as a rude and wicked boor who barges into otherwise civilized discussions to raise unwonted cain.
But who are these people--trolls--really? For the answer I turned to Thomas Keightley, an indisputably eccentric gent, who more or less admitted to having "wed" a fairy. Keightley spent his life meticulously documenting the doings of such non-ordinary lifeforms as dwarfs, kobolds, nisses, fays, mermaids . . . and trolls. And what he says of the latter, I found quite surprising.
According to
Keightley, trolls, like hobbits, dwell in hills, mounds, and hillocks, and thus are sometimes known as Hillpeople.
They are considered to be extremely wealthy. During occasions of great troll festivity, passersby have reported seeing trolls, unashamedly drunk, roaring and reeling and shoving great chests of money about. It is alleged that troll homes, behind their modest dirt exteriors, are constructed of gold and crystal.
Trolls are generally "obliging and neighbourly; freely lending and borrowing, and elsewise keeping up a friendly intercourse with mankind" . . . except when they run unaccountably wild, and steal from humans not only "provisions, but even women and children."
Trolls hate noise, which explains their reaction to the clip-clopping goats. Their aversion to noise apparently began when Thor used to hurl his hammer at them; Thor, it is said, hated these people, and worked to strike them down wherever he was able. These days, trolls are most discomfited by church bells, which cause them to foam at the mouth with fear and move forthwith to wilder, more pagan territory.
Trolls can render themselves invisible, and can also assume whatever shape they choose, which explains Karl Rove. They can foresee future events ("Bin Laden Determined To Strike Inside US"?); can confer prosperity, or take it away (Bush tax cuts?); and can perform feats of physical strength beyond the power of mortal man (Darth Cheney surviving 136 heart attacks?).
Trolls are pretty damn ugly. Keightley phrases it more kindly: "of personal beauty, they have not much to boast." Often they're hunchbacked, or have long crooked noses. Sometimes they're just fat and sit in a chair smoking a cigar while bellowing lies like a demented foghorn (Rush Limbaugh?).
If you try to speak to a troll, s/he will often respond with a shriek of "Me! Me! Me! Me! Me Me!" Which pretty much jibes with a lot of our experiences here on this site.
The word "troll" is believed to derive from the name of the Scandinavian waterfall Trollhaeta, and translates roughly as "the abyss."
There are no trolls in France. France is a troll-free zone.
What there are in France, at least in southern France, are fairies the size of adult human beings, who usually dwell in rivers and streams, but who occasionally find it amusing to assume human form, walk among humans, and even take one as husband or wife. I do not know what sort of fairy it was that Keightley wed, but I'm pretty sure it was this form of fairy who became my wife.